blaze of desire // billie eilish fanfiction

twenty-one : sorry

delilah

i finally caved in and scheduled a talk with luna. i believe i've ignored her and given her the cold shoulder enough. she has been putting a lot of effort into being there and showing up. eloise even encouraged me to meet up. if eloise vouched for luna, then it's time.

i walked into the coffee shop we used to always stop by after doing our errands together. seeing her back here almost gave me whiplash from all the memories hitting me at once. "hey you." i smiled when i reached the table she was sitting at.

"hey! thank you for agreeing to meet me." she told me as i sat down.

"yeah, it's about time." i replied.

"how was work?" she asked, knowing i had just immediately drove here from there.

"training newbies is one of the most annoying things ever, and i only have one on this pr project." i shook my head. "i have two babies at home, and i have to babysit one at work cause the team i choose knows damn well that they're my responsibility."

"i'm so glad i'm way past that point in my career." she chuckled. i just nodded, knowing all the things she sacrificed to be where she's at. a small piece of me wondering if she believes it was all worth it in the end.

she cleared her throat, "i just wanted us to be on good terms again. i wanted to apologize to you for everything i've done, i should've have put more effort into our family. i treated you like you were a nobody, forgetting who you were. i fucked up and i need to take accountability for everything, and i understand why you needed time before you heard this, i just kept making things increasingly worse until they were beyond repair. you didn't deserve that delilah." she looked at me with glistening eyes.

suddenly i remembered why i fell in love with her, why a married her. those eyes, how she used to look at me, how she made me feel. "you turned into a person i didn't recognize." i frowned, my heart starting to ache remembering why i left again.

"i know." she looked at her hands, ashamed. "if i could go back—."

"but you can't." i interrupted.

"which is why i will continue to prove myself to you and to juniper. i promise that our daughter won't feel like there is something missing in her because of me. i will do better." she told me.

"you've been there, and i appreciate your effort." i nodded.

"this is the bare minimum, i can do more." she shook her head.

"don't say things you can't live up to." i warned her.

"i wouldn't dare after what i put you through." she told me, my heart had never felt heavier.

"you were my best friend, then you were the love of my life. you forced me to hate you because i had no other choice, because i loved you too much." i was trying my best to not get my emotions to take over me.

"i know, fourteen year old me would knock me out cold and i wouldn't blame her. luna in her first year of college would kill me." she told me.

"damn right." i chuckled.

"every memory i have of the recent past, you are in. high school, college, post graduation, i try to go back and remember why i did what i did. how i called what we had in the last year love. i don't understand it myself and maybe it's not fair to tell you that because you had to endure it, but i lost you." her eyes were glassy. "i lost my family."

she's just coming to terms with what i had to come to terms with a year ago. completely her fault and it kind of makes me feel better but also sad at the same time. her choices affected the both of us greatly and if only she realized sooner, we would have been the family that still lives in the back of my mind.

"you were right about my friends." she stated. "they could never understand because they weren't us. they were at a different point of their lives than us, you moved on, i didn't and that was one of many mistakes i made."

"it infuriated me, i always knew it. i knew they were the source of many of our problems and aaron just confirmed it for me when he and tila had just broken up." i clenched my teeth.

"it's not just their fault, i was the one that listened and drank their poison. we're not friends anymore." she shook her head.

"good." i firmly nodded.

"i— uh..." she fidgeted with her hands even more than the amount she's been the whole time we were siting. "i'm in therapy now." she half smiled.

"oh." i frowned.

"after i lost custody, i was angry and then i hit rock bottom. i'll be honest i needed that rock bottom to be where im at right now, but it was bad." she explained. "then i realized that if i wanted juniper to know her shitty other parent i would have to get my shit together."

"i'm glad that you finally realized luna." i told her. "for juniper's sake."

"juniper saved me." she told me.

i related to that because, "juniper saved me too."

"i'm sorry." she swallowed.

"i forgive you."

three words i didn't think would ever be directed to her. with all of the history and the pain i don't think i could ever forgive her for anything. not one thing. but the truth is that i forgave her before i came here, i don't think i would have met her before forgiving her.

i knew she was sorry when she told me she wanted to talk. i just wasn't ready because i didn't want to forgive her yet.

"you do?" she looked at me with surprise.

"i do."

"i thought you at least would need— i... thank you. you didn't change." she just looked at me with pure shook.

"i did. i changed, i just don't want to hate you anymore, i don't want to hold a grudge anymore. it's exhausting." i replied. "and you're trying, i see that."

"sorry." she looked away and started rapidly blinking. "i'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you and juniper." she sniffled.

"you better." i smiled. "now stop being a pussy before i change my mind."

"i'll stop." she smiled back.

"do you want to pick juni up today? you need cute toddler time." i told her.

"yeah, that would be nice." she nodded.

"okay." i nodded.
-

"hey! i didn't know luna was picking up juni today." eloise's face lit up when she saw me all into the house.

"it was a last minute thing." i told her and zombiely walked into her arms.

"hey, is everything okay?" she softly asked.

"yeah." i nodded into her. "i just need a hug."

"okay." she let out a breathy giggle and held me tighter. "so the meet up with luna went well."

"yeah." i nodded.

"that's good." she swayed us side to side. "do we need to watch comfort movies and eat comfort food?"

"yes please." i nodded. "and i need juni cuddles." my voice cracked. i still am not used to her being away from me over night, i hate it.

"riri, come cuddle with auntie lilah." elle told her daughter. who had immediately skipped over to me. i pulled away from elle and picked up her daughter.

"you give ready good hugs." i told iris as she melted into my arms. "can we watch tangled?" i asked as i sat us on the couch.

"yeah, is juni coming?"

"no baby, she's with her mom tonight."

"then can you sleep with me?" she fluttered her lashes at me.

"yeah, baby." i nodded. "i'll sleep with you."
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