blaze of desire // billie eilish fanfiction

eighteen : flashbacks

delilah

"you've been thinking about it for months now, delilah. just go ahead with it, you're already basically separated. make it official and move out." eloise told me.

"where would i even go?" i sighed in frustration. "i don't have the energy or the time to go apartment hunting, im looking at the bright side which is that luna and i are coexisting. i have a place to live without rent."

"yeah until you start ripping each other's hair out again." she told me. "look, why don't you move in with me?"

"what."

"i have an extra room, you can have it. juniper and iris can share a room, honestly you would be doing me a favor. nathan is leaving again soon and i don't want to be alone in a big house." she explained.

"elle no, i can't. i don't want to intrude." i said.

"you're not. come on, i've already discussed this with nathan and he is okay with it, actually he supports it. our girls will be best friends, we'll have every morning and every night together and we'll help each other out. you're going to need a support system, someone to hold you on the bad days and laugh with you on bright days, i'd want that too."

"it sounds great in theory." i took a deep breath in. "but what would i even tell luna? hey we're for real separating now and i want a divorce and hey! i'm also moving in with my best friend and her husband."

"you tell her exactly that and she can't do anything about it." eloise nodded.

"what about juni? she's her daughter too." i bit the insides of my cheeks.

"are you serious right now?" she chuckled. "barley. she becomes a mom when she actually contributes to raising her child and you know that, so far i think i've seen juniper more than she ever has."

"you're right."

"soo....."

"i'll have to talk to nathan myself first and then we'll see."
-

"how is this not fitting?" i frowned looking at how the dimensions to juniper's crib weren't lining up. i've been doing this all afternoon and i feel like i haven't been getting much progress at all. "just fit!" i yelled at the part that was only secured for one side and not the other.

"fit!" i hit the whole fucked up structure i had made. "fucking fit!" i hit it again and again and again.

"hey. hey! hey! delilah no." nathan restricted my arms. "i had it all figured out!" i wailed. "juniper, h-how will she grow up?"

"she will grow up loved and you will both be okay! the both of you will have a happy life because you won't have to force yourself to sleep next to someone you don't like. you might love her, but you don't like her and that's okay. it may be scary and unfamiliar but it'll be okay delilah." he told me still holding me.

"i haven't slept in a bed that wasn't ours in years. i don't know how ill fall asleep today." i hiccuped and he loosened his grip on me.

"you'll learn to sleep alone and before you know it you'll prefer it, seriously don't tell elle that but the first few months i return from deployment the snoring drives me crazy." he told me.