One Shots

Postscript

TW: implied suicide

I know there are people that love me. I'm aware there are people that will miss me.

But this isn't about them.

They'll call me selfish, but what's the line between helping yourself and being self-centered? Why shouldn't we think about ourselves first? Why should I feel forced and pressured to live my life for other people?

For once, I just need to do something with my best interest in mind...even though others won't agree.

So, let me say it now: I'm sorry. It's no one's fault. There's nothing you could have done. You didn't know because I didn't want you to know, so I'm sorry this is how you had to find out.

And I know you're all curious about why I did it, so here's my explanation.

The short answer, I wasn't happy. Everyone always saw me as someone who always smiled and would always laugh. That's just what I wanted you to see.

Sometimes I thought I could've been an actor with the mask that I managed to hold perfectly in place for years.

There was always something for me to stress about, and when there wasn't, I was anxious about the next time I would inevitably crash and burn.

In the present, I was always worried about the future. But whenever I thought of the future, I was petrified. I could never see my future. It was always blank.

People see growing up as graduate school, get a job, fall in love, get married, have kids.

Well, school stressed me out. I was terrified I wouldn't be able to find a job upon graduation. I wasn't exactly in a position to fall in love. Without falling in love, I can't get married. Even if I did miraculously fall in love and get married, I didn't have a desire to have kids.

Without any of that, what's the point? What's my purpose?

I couldn't find one, so here we are.

I go back to my original point. I couldn't keep living for other people. I had to put my needs first for the first time.

Once again, I'm sorry it had to be done in this way, but I just couldn't see another end.

I always feared about leaving details out when explaining something, so I apologize if you still have questions. But I've already taken too much time, and my hand is starting to hurt.

But the other contents of this book should help paint the picture. Don't feel obligated to read it, but if you must know more, it's all here.

Don't grieve me forever. You can all move past this. And don't feel guilty. Like I said, there was nothing you could have done.

I love you, and this was not your fault.

Signed,
Well, you know whose writing this is.

They gently closed the book and placed the pen next to it. After a brief hesitation, they decided to put the book at the end of their bed.

The rest of their belongings were exactly where they always were. They couldn't leave a mess for their family.

They left the house for the last time with nothing but the clothes on their back.

Again, they didn't want to leave a mess that needed to be cleaned up. So, they walked for almost a mile to the woods.

There was a creek that they visited from time to time. It wasn't too deep. But after a good rainstorm, there would be enough water.

And overnight—just like the forecast said—it poured. They woke up in the morning, relieved to see the ground wet. It meant they wouldn't have to stall for any longer.

They finally arrived at the creek. Staring at the flowing water, they felt the most at peace they felt in a long time. Knowing what was coming, their thoughts finally calmed.

With one last deep breath and a small smile, they took the plunge.