The rookie Groupchat

Tim Bradford vs Trantula

L:GUYS. You will not believe what I just witnessed. This is too good.

C:Ooh, this sounds juicy. Tell us everything.

L:So, Tim and I were responding to this call in someone's garage. They said there was a "massive spider" lurking around, right?

N:Here we go. How massive?

L:HUGE. Like, a full-on tarantula. And guess who practically trips over it the second we walk in?

A:No way. Tell me Tim did not just encounter a tarantula.

L:Oh, he encountered it all right. And the minute he spots it, he shrieks, turns around, and bolts out of the garage.

Aa:Wait, wait. Tim screamed?

T:Hold up, it was not a scream. It was a... tactical shout of warning.

L:LOL, whatever you say, Tim. I swear you flew out of there like the spider was chasing you.

C:So you're telling me Tim Bradford, Sergeant Bradford, went head-to-head with a tarantula... and ran?

T:Listen, that thing was massive! And it was moving fast.

J:Tim, this is incredible. I'm picturing you doing this high-speed shuffle, trying to escape a tarantula.

L:Oh, he was shuffling all right. And he was making these noises the entire time—kind of like a low-key whimper. 

T:Those were... stress vocalizations. Perfectly natural.

N:Tim, I'm with you on this one. Tarantulas are no joke. But it still sounds hilarious.

C:Wait, did you actually think it was chasing you?

T:YES! It was moving right toward me! That thing had no fear.

L:The best part? Tim's "escape" was a full-on sprint. I could barely keep up, and by the time I caught him outside, he was catching his breath by the patrol car, like he'd just run a marathon.

Aa:I can't breathe. This is the best. Did anyone get a video?

L:Unfortunately, I didn't. I was too busy trying to catch up with Tim and make sure he didn't run into traffic or something. BUT it is on my body cam.

A:This is going to be legendary. Tim Bradford, taken down by a tarantula.

T:Look, I don't have a problem with spiders. Just... that spider. It had this look in its eyes like it was planning something.

L:OMG, it was a spider, not a serial killer. 

C:Tim, don't worry. If I ever see a tarantula, I'll know to "tactically retreat" now too.

G:Did you finish the call at least, or did the spider win this one?

L:The spider won. We left the garage, and Tim radioed animal control. They probably thought it was a dog or something, based on his tone.

A:I think I just found our next Christmas card theme: "Bradford vs. the Tarantula."

T:Let's not make a big deal out of this. Just a minor... altercation with a very large spider. That's all.

Aa:Nah, Tim, this is unforgettable. You're a legend now.