The rookie Groupchat

Ending Emails

Grey:
Do I need to hold an actual meeting about how you guys are ending your emails?

Celina:
Sir, I'd like to say no... but I feel like that's the wrong answer 

Aaron:
Wait. What do people normally say???
Like... "Regards"?
"Thanks"?
Is "Peace out" too casual???

Lucy:
I end mine with "cheerios!" 
Because it's cheerful. And also a cereal.
– Officer Chen

Nolan:
Mine go:
"Sent with almost no confidence,"
– Officer John Nolan
It sets expectations low and protects my emotional wellbeing.

Tim:
"At Rock Bottom, Bradford."
It's not even a joke anymore. Just my location.

Nyla:
I sign off with:
"If you have questions, reach out to someone else."
– Harper.
Because boundaries are healthy, and I'm not tech support.

Angela:
"With biblical fear,"
– Detective Lopez.
It keeps people respectful. And slightly terrified.
Win-win.

Wade Grey:
...
There is not a single professional sign-off among you.

Celina:
How about "Stay safe"?
That's normal, right?

Aaron:
What if we all start signing with "Live, Laugh, Law Enforcement"?
Too much?

Lucy:
Too iconic. I vote yes.

Tim:
I vote no.
Actually, I vote to mute this chat.

Nyla:
Too late. You're in this now, Bradford.

Nolan:
Should we just standardize it? Like a department-wide "Best wishes"?

Angela:
Ew. "Best wishes" sounds like I'm breaking up with someone politely.

Lucy:
"Kind regards" feels like something you send before suing someone.

Celina:
Omg I once signed an email "much love" to an arms dealer.
It was undercover, but still.

Aaron:
I signed one, "Catch ya on the flip side."
To the DA.

Wade:
...I don't get paid enough for this.

Angela:
You definitely don't get paid enough for us.

Tim:
From now on I'm just ending emails with
"Don't talk to me."
– Bradford

Nyla:
Or "Per my last email,"
– Harper
Which is basically passive-aggressive code for "Can you read?"

Tamara:
I don't work here but if I did, I'd end every email with "XOXO, Gossip Cop."

Grey:
NEW RULE. All email sign-offs must be approved by me.

Lucy:
Okay.
"Approved by Commander Grey"
– Officer Chen 

Wade:
No.

Aaron:
What about:
"Emotionally unavailable, spiritually exhausted"
– Officer Thorsen?

Nolan:
"Lost in a sea of paperwork,"
– John Nolan

Celina:
"Still typing from the backseat of a patrol car,"
– Officer Juarez

Tim:
"Currently chasing a suspect. Why are you emailing me?"
– Bradford

Nyla:
Honestly I might go back to just "Sincerely"
...but with malice.

Angela:
"Yours in justice and petty revenge,"
– Detective Lopez

Grey:
Okay. New plan.
From now on you're all ending your emails with:
"Respectfully, [Your Name]"
End of discussion.

Lucy:
Cheerios it is 

Tim:
At Rock Bottom,
– Still Bradford