Some Day One Day

12

Two Weeks later
Since writing grew into my new passion, the school library became my second home. Whenever I wanted to dissociate myself from reality, I would read or write. Even when I sat in class, my mind would cruise off into lala land and would start fantasizing about things other than chemistry or honors English.
One day the teacher was giving us a heated chiding for not being the devoted students that she wanted us to be and not taking our education seriously because most of the classroom flanked the test horrendously. She further on enlightened us that only one person gained an A, soon revealing that it was Shawn. Someone had to shake him awake because he had his head, which was hidden by his hood, was on top of his folded arms and when he woke up he didn't even know what was going on. I'd never seen something so cute in my entire life.
It was a shame that I couldn't do anything about it because we weren't speaking to one another. The tables had turned and his guard was much stronger than ever—almost like the first time when he offered me a ride and I turned the other cheek because I wanted nothing to do with him.
It felt really bad to be shunned that way and now I was learning truly what it meant to get a taste of your own medicine.
I surmised that my ardency and bravery must have scared him away, but how could a guy like him be scared of a girl like me? It's kind of comical when one thinks of it actually.
As usual he minded his own business, and didn't mind mine at all while I stayed pulling out my hairs trying to figure out his. Eye contact was stronger than ever though, but it got really irritating to me because Shawn was so enigmatic to read that I gave up any hope of knowing what he was thinking whenever he looked at me. There were times I thought that he really liked me but I guess that was only false hope playing tricks on me.
I still couldn't let go of the fact that he'd told me he wanted me too. But maybe he was like me too.
Maybe he didn't know what he wanted because I was still trying to figure out why I wanted him so much.
When I was through with a homework assignment I chose to do during lunch time at the library, I decided to leave a few minutes before the curfew. I'd made myself downstairs and was going to the bathroom when I saw two of my friends standing around the water fountain. I was about to walk up to them and say hello until their actions appalled me. In between them stood someone who had their back to me. A girl adorned in a dress that was less than flattering was bent over the fountain until my girl Tatiana suddenly jostled the books that took up the corner of the fountain down where they met the floor with a loud thud. I stopped dead in my tracks and watched Tatiana and Laura confusedly as they laughed at the girl who without question bent over to acclaim her books. I still couldn't tell who she was because her back was still to me. As she bent, Tatiana roughly ceased the girl's movements with a push that forced the girl to careen backwards.
"Sup...lil bitch." Tatiana said and I was thrown by her behavior.
"Hi." The girl said in what sounded like an affable tone that made me even more shocked than before. She collected herself and squatted to pick up her books while Tatiana and Laura laughed.
"Why the fuck is she laughin'?" Laura laughed while eyeing her smugly, "I told you she was a stupid bitch. She up in those special ed classes..."
Tatiana cackled, "I don't know what he sees in her ugly ass anyways."
This time when the girl stood up I was able enough to see her side profile and was horrified because she was so strikingly familiar. She started laughing too, which threw me for the loop furthermore because I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she thought this was funny.
It was one of the ugliest sites I'd ever seen. I don't care what class someone is or what differences they have to another but demeaning them not only verbally but physically was completely atrocious. That was just stopping too fucking low.
Tatiana finally realized that I was the one standing there and said hi to me but I was too busy sidestepping in order to see the girl's face for a confirmation.
And I got it and gasped.
It was Marissa. And while I processed that thought, Laura pushed her until she was set off her balance and forcefully turned around, only for Laura to snatch her books away from her.
A sudden strong wave of fury crashed into me so unexpectedly that I got a bit scared, but it didn't stop me from stepping up to them.
"Aye man what's worng with you?!" I found myself saying in a fury while grabbing the books from an unexpected Laura, "Why you treatin' her like that yo?"
Laura scowled at me before scoffing like I was joking.
"What's got you so wound up about her ol' retarded ass anyway? You do know that her and Shawn go together now right?"
For some reason I was so mad that I started to see red. I was about to cut her off when Marissa's soft, innocent voice cut me off.
"Shawn?" she asked and her eyes were completely honest, somewhat naïve as she averted her gaze to all of us with an excited smile, "Shawn. That's my—"
"Yo what the fuck do you think you're doing?" A deep voice ground out, emphasizing the blasphemous word so much that I jumped when it was said before spinning around to see a very, very unhappy Shawn. His chin was slightly and his mouth was set tightly shut, but his nostrils flared that I waited for steam to gush out.
"Why is everyone upset?" Marissa asked outloud suddenly, completely oblivious to the tension that filled the air.
Tatiana and Laura's bravado suddenly slipped away beneath Shawn's hard stare and they scurried out of the scene like the cowards that they were deep down inside. I averted my gaze between Shawn and the retreating girls, and Shawn's warning, intense eyes were enough to scare me too.
He watched the flapping door after they left and I watched him too, until he clutched his eyes painfully shut for a moment before opening them and colliding with mine. Never in my life had I ever seen Shawn with such a feral look of angst in his eyes. It almost felt like I was the one he was mad at. Our eyes stayed and locked until Marissa's childlike voice intervened.
"Shawn? Why is everyone mad?" Marissa asked and I started to wonder what was up with her for a minute. Didn't she see what they just did to her?
"Come on," Shawn said softly and I could tell it was taking all of him to contain his anger at how they'd just treated his sister, "Let's go." He furled his lips while offering his hand to what looked to be a slightly upset Marissa. I watched all of this with my mouth agape. And when Shawn looked at me shortly I snapped my mouth shut, embarrassed that I was gaping at them to begin with.
Begrudgingly, Marissa put her small hand in his.
"Gimme the books." Shawn said in a steely tone that caught me off guard once again like I hadn't been caught off guard enough.
"I got it." I said, making to hand them to Marissa but when she looked up at me with shimmering, wet eyes, I froze.
"Beyonce why were you mean to them? They were trying to be my friend. They were laughing with me." She asked, dropping her eyes with a heavy frown. It was only then that it all dawned on me that Tatiana and Laura probably weren't joking about her being in the special ed's class. I couldn't believe that I never picked it up when she answered the door to me so gaily. And that was the first time when the ignorance of who I truly was embarrassed me in a thorough way that made me want to hide myself from the world.
My one of a thousand questions now was why I'd never seen her here before.
Shawn glanced at me apologetically. I opened my mouth to apologize to her but Shawn beat me to it.
"No they weren't. Marissa, Beyonce was only trying to help you—" Shawn began in a surprisingly soft, placating tone, only for Marissa yanked her hand roughly away from his. Shawn frowned as he stepped back and I'd never seen him so upset over anyone or anything.
"No. She's like you. You don't want Marissa to have friends." tears began to fall from her beautifully broken eyes and I reflexively looked at Shawn whom I was so used to seeing with no expression on his face. But the heartbreak I came in contact with when I looked on him was so unexpected that it made me feel a crack on my heart too.
"Marissa no. It's not like that-"
"Lonely. I'm lonely. I need fr-friend. Why-why you chase my friends away Shawn," she started sobbing softly and wiping her eyes with a shaky hand before saying something that startled me, "Why Beyonce?"
Her including me into this in such an intimate way had me feeling a guilt that I didn't know would assail me.
I blinked at her in shock, unable to move for a while. The only movement I made was to shift my gaze to Shawn. Both Shawn and I seemed to be in a trance because we didn't make any movements or any sounds, but the only one causing movement and sound was Marissa with her shaking and quiet whimpers. She looked so hurt as she reiterated the words, 'I'm lonely, I'm lonely'.
It all started to slowly make sense to me why he was agitated at the gas station. Because of the Tatianas and the Lauras of the world.
Shawn's gaze eventually broke away from mine when he probably saw that I'd figured it out and he focused on Marissa solely, speaking to her in hushed tones as he put his arms around her and pulled her along with him to walk away. He stopped in front of me to hand him the books, which I did, and he took them without sparing me a glance.
Quietly, I watched them leave, realizing that this was a guy that I truly knew nothing about. 

Later on that day I found out from Ojay after some intense badgering that Shawn had been on the edge lately was because his sister was to start school here this year. The school was a huge one and since the kids in special Ed were always hidden from everyone else as though they were lepers, it was understandable why I never saw her. From then onwards Ojay told me to just leave it alone and let Shawn be, and I planned on doing so.
But I couldn't stop ruminating about how you'd think you knew someone, only to be shunned with the truth that you didn't. The rest of that day was one that left me preoccupied with my thoughts, so much that I got easily annoyed by my friends. They saw that I wasn't in the mood for talk, and they chastised me for it. I was then reminded all over again how people truly didn't care about any other person's affairs. That same day, I also started to hear from the grape vine that I went off and tried to defend what they called a 'retard'. And I knew it had been Tatiana and Laura's doing, which also set tongues wagging across the school that Shawn was dating a 'slow' girl. Whenever contacted about it, I'd set them straight, but by the end of the day I was so upset with it that I didn't feel like dealing with anybody.
I got home ready to vent out my frustrations to my mother, only to find that she'd left a note saying she wouldn't be home. My father was at a dinner meeting, and my sister was of course catering to her own endeavors. It's like she lived a separate life away from me.
So I hoped into my car and started driving aimlessly in hopes to quell my mind. Before I knew it, I was wheeling beside a battered car that stood beside Brooklyn bridge.
He tipped forward in curiosity to see who had rained in on his parade and I was tempted to reverse my car and go back. I was here at a time when I thought he'd be at work by Ojay's word but I guess he skipped on that too. Ojay told me that he worked two jobs and for the life of me I couldn't even begin to understand what his schedule was like. It wasn't a wonder to me anymore why he never came out as much to the parties or the hang outs with Angie, Ojay and I like he used to.
As usual the hood was over his head and I started to wonder why he had it that way all the time.
I sat in my car for a few minutes, and by then Shawn wasn't looking at me anymore. Tentatively, I stepped out of my car and my attention was temporarily zapped away from Shawn at the ironic beauty of the place I stood.
Fall had arrived not too long ago, and I was very well aware of that when my footsteps crunched the fallen leaves beneath me. The air was no longer balmy, but sedate and calm with a soft breeze. Myriads of red, orange and yellow poured through the dying trees, casting forsaken shadows on the ground and illuminating cheerful light into everything else that had no obstruction.
Just then I remembered Shawn once telling me that sunset and sunrise were his favorite time of the day and I damned myself for coming out. He probably thought that I was here on purpose.
I waged the war inside of me whether to go back to wherever I came from or stay.
Since with each passing day I got more and more daring, I chose to stay.
I followed his gaze to the river that glittered like gold with the sun hiding behind it. But I knew that beneath the shiny, alluring surface was hard water with all the pollution damped into it.
It's funny how the surface of something can look so beautiful and one can think they understand it, only to find out that what was inside could always be a contradiction of not only what was on the outside, but your assumptions too.
I then took my chances and went to stand beside Shawn quietly. He made no attempts to leave, so I relaxed a little bit.
After what happened today I didn't really know what to say.
I turned to him and studied him carefully while he tried to remain immune to my presence.
"Your sister's beautiful." I told him quietly.
The surprise was evident when he turned to me. He surveyed me speculatively for a while before speaking.
"Yeah. She is" He muttered as he faced forward once again.
There was so much that I wanted to ask him, like about his family, about his life, about his sister...everything...but I didn't. Not now.
I'd been tapping into his life too much. I'd intruded enough. And here I was, doing it once again. I'm surprised he didn't scare me off, but perhaps he was too nice to do that.
"Shawn..." I asked him as I gazed at the glistening, red waters.
"Yeah."
I hesitated a while, hugging myself against the fall wind. I inhaled deeply before sighing shakily and closed my eyes.
"I know this is gonna sound crazy," I began with a faint, almost musing smile, watching two lives swirl upon the wind's encouragement, "But...Have you ever felt..."
I sucked in a breath when I realized how silly this might have been, but the urge to ask him the question warded off those thoughts.
"Have you ever felt like the loneliest person in a room full of people?" I asked him quietly.
When he said nothing, I opened my eyes and stared at the water only to see Shawn darting his eyes at me from the corner of my own. I wasn't disappointed that he probably thought I was a lunatic. I'd expected it. And I didn't feel insecure the way I normally would have when someone never understood where I was coming from. It was worth a try at least.
Still from the corner of my eyes, I caught him looking straight ahead of him.
"All the time." He was quiet a moment before adding, "But how do you know you're the loneliest person in the room when you don't know what the person beside you is feeling?"
My gaze flew up to Shawn's side profile and he seemed pretty thoughtful himself. I don't know what came over me that day, it must have been the river no matter how murky it was, it must have been the setting sun even if it blinded my eyes, it must have been the wind even though it whipped at me too vigorously...but I told him something that I wasn't so sure I should have said.
"You know...you don't have to feel that way anymore. Everyone needs a friend sometimes..." I found myself saying before I could hold my tongue and felt Shawn's arm stiffen against mine. Shawn and I had tons of people who swarmed us like bees feigning for honey, yet we still felt alone.
For a long, quiet, and uncomfortable moment, nothing was said, and nothing was heard—not even our own breaths.
Finally Shawn stood up and the warmth of him against my arm slipped away like the grasp I'd nearly had on him.
"Imma see you around iight." Shawn mumbled as he walked away, continuing on with his habit of hiding himself behind his hood as he threw it over his head.
Feeling something somewhere in between agitation and disconsolation, I turned around and watched Shawn's retreating back. Watching him leave like that made a voice speak from deep within me that didn't seem to be any of my doing. It was like this other spirit possessed me and started rambling.
"You always say that I can't get everything that I want, and that's true. But I'm starting to realize that you deprive yourself from everything like you don't think you deserve anything."
Shawn froze and spun around, staring at me like I'd offended him.
"You don't know me, so how can you say something like that." He muttered, not in anger, not even in hurt, but in a tone that had nothing embedded in it.
It's funny how the nothingness and truism of his words inflicted pain on me.
And as we stood at opposite ends with each other like we always did, a chance, falling leaf drifted from a weathering tree in between Shawn and I. And at that point to me that leaf was in some ways an interpretation of a line drawn between us.
As Shawn walked away from me, I thought of how many times I'd crossed the line and decided to just leave him be.
I walked back to my car, giving up on him like I gave up on every other fray in my life that was too difficult to fight through.
The next two weeks were a haze. The tension that brewed between Shawn and I only seemed to aggrandize everytime we crossed paths, and we actually crossed paths much more than usual.
I finally told myself to mind my own business. I barely saw Marissa but when I did, she was with the other kids in her class. Everytime I looked at her, I was reminded how shallow I'd been not to notice her condition all because she was breathtakingly beautiful. I guess anyone, or at least most people who met her would think the same.
One Friday evening, Angie and I were going to a football game since we hadn't been showing up religiously like we used to do. We were supposed to meet there with Ojay, who was riding with some of his boys.
I was beyond excited to go. One because I needed to get away from hearing Angie talk about how much she enjoyed being around Ojay. It's not that she was annoying me because she wasn't speaking about him like that only to brag. It's just that as she talked of how great her relationship was, the hollowness I'd been feeling became more and more apparent.
I just wanted to get away from all that lovey dovey talk because it was only a harsh reminder of how lonely I was.
While walking with a babbling Angie to the entrance, a cold breeze welcoming the fall forced me to pull my hood over my head and shove my hands in my pockets. After buying our tickets up front, Angie and I stepped into the inferno of students bustling the floor. Sometimes I couldn't understand why people came here if they weren't going to watch a game. Now I may have been a sucker for fashion and all of its embellishments but I never wasted a game to show off my style. I mean I'd dress up but not buy a ticket only to stand around and do nothing. I actually watched the game like those parents who came to watch their kids play and enjoyed the hell out of it too.
Angie and I weaved through the crowd greeting our friends, me only receiving hugs and not returning them because I refused to pull my hands out of my pockets. The further we stepped in, the more my heart thudded with anticipation.
And it had nothing to do with the game.
I found myself hoping that a particular someone was there. Then I hated myself for hoping that he would be there because I wasn't meant to think about him. Yet all that had filled up my mind were thoughts of him and who he really was and why I even cared.
My thoughts were cut sharply into when Angie squealed. I knew then that she had spotted Ojay and looked at her scuttling to him to confirm the fact. He was standing with his mass number of friends who these days couldn't hold my interest for more than five seconds. I used to stay asking him to hook me up with one of them and even when they tried to get to me through him, the interest wouldn't be there even when I tried to force it upon myself. I eventually made my way over to them and started greeting them only to stop short when I thought my mind was playing tricks on me because I could've sworn that I'd just walked by Shawn. I turned around and confirmed it to find that his gaze was roaming around.
My heart literally missed out on two beats when that happened. I hadn't noticed him at first because the jacket he wore wasn't the one that I saw him with all the time. This one was all white. Shawn must have felt my gaze on him because he looked down at me and was about to look away before I spoke without telling myself to leave him alone first.
"Hi."
"Sup." He murmured, looking away from me.
He didn't want our eyes to meet.
Feeling a bitter lump in my throat, I turned around and said hi to everyone else. Then I waited and waited for them to stop talking but they couldn't seem to stop. Ojay who was usually a full fledged football fan wasn't able to play in the team this year because of an accident that left his knee broken during practice. He had to stay off the sport for approximately eight months, and I remembered him saying how he hoped he never lost his love for sports because of not playing. But with the way he kept his arms wrapped around Angie's shoulders, placed his lips close to her ear and pecked her occasionally, I knew he had a new love strong enough to tear him away from his initial dedication to sports.
I was turning away from them to find Shawn's enthralled expression towards the field and couldn't help the small smile I made from how cute I thought he looked.
"Hey." I said outloud and successfully grasped his perplexed attention.
"Wanna go watch the game?" I asked him, making sure my tone was light and rid of any indication that might make him think I was trying to push myself on him again.
Shawn eyed me strangely and I shrugged, walking passed him on my way to the alleviated slope that led to the bleachers of our school.
It was only when I was trying to walk through the crowd and nearly tripped because of a rude intruder who bumped into me that I felt a strong hand wrap around my arm and cease me from my fall.
"I gotchu." I heard the deep voice before turning around, having to arch my neck far back to clarify Shawn as my savior. The place was so crowded and noisy, and I was so deep into thought that I never knew he'd actually accepted my invitation and followed me. I was completely unaware that he'd been watching over me.
Our eyes locked and my heart lurched and my cheeks burned when a sudden flare went through me to his touch.
"Thank you." I told him quietly and he suddenly let go of my arm quickly.
Flushed and flustered, I quickly turned around and made my way to the bleachers, now fully aware and a little bit disconcerted that he was probably watching over me.
The place was packed, and finding a seat was difficult, but as I searched for an open space, I received something I didn't bargain for. I spotted a couple of girls who I'd once thought were my homegirls staring at Shawn and I balefully. I knew a lot of girls got jealous really quickly over Shawn but I couldn't understand why they stared at me like that—it reminded me of how I'd stared at Marissa the time I thought she was his girlfriend and I felt small for having been so rude. A few other classmates who cared to look had questioning, but not lingering glances before shifting back to the game. Reflexively I looked up at Shawn in worry that he'd be upset to be seen with me, but hedidn't seem to notice, or if he did, wasn't bothered, or if he was bothered, he wasn't showing it.
I resorted to looking for a seat again when a slight nudge on my lower back made me turn around and when I realized it was Shawn who had touched me, the thought made me feel the sensation I would've felt had I known it was him initially. I became slightly dizzy after ice trickled up my spine.
"There's a place down there." Shawn said and I followed his gaze to an empty spot that was thankfully on the lowest bleacher.
Ignoring the curious, pinning eyes I felt from my friends, I sat down with Shawn and tried to focus on the game from that point on. It wasn't easy though with Shawn sitting so close. He smelled different, like a soft heady cologne. The warmth I always felt whenever sitting close beside him was still the same though.
And that did nothing to help my discomfort. As we watched the game, we went through the motions together and that helped eased my discomfort because we had something to focus on rather than on ourselves. Whenever we scored, Shawn and I would get happy together, and when one of our men messed us up, we'd both cuss up a storm together.
It actually started to feel so good watching the game with him rather than watch it alone like I normally did since my friends usually didn't care for it.
It was nice to have a common ground with someone instead of sharing opposite ends all the time.
Anytime anticipation would come into play, like the star athlete would gain the ball and cross the large field, I'd mindlessly wrap my hands around Shawn's arm and squeeze tightly. Shawn hadn't seemed to mind because he was so engrossed in the game that I felt anticipation emanating from him too.
Unfortunately, we didn't win, and as Shawn and I moved painfully slow with the large parade. We talked here and there about the game, but the further we stepped away from the field and bleachers, the lesser conversation became.
Our conversation had died when the game ended and we were back to square one of discomfort. We had yet to see Ojay and Angie and waited over by the entrance, left with nothing to talk about.
I'd glance at Shawn occasionally but I noticed he made it a point not to make eye contact with me. I felt rejected and disconsolate but made no mentions of it.
Finally, I heard the bickering voice of Angie and hearty laughter from Ojay before I saw them tottering over to us.
"Oh my god Ojay I can't believe you just made us do that in here." She hissed as she fussed with her collar before smoothing her hands over her skirt.
"You asked for it." Ojay retorted silkily with this shit eating grin on his face that sold his self away. There was only one valid explanation for them to be reacting like this and my jaw dropped.
At that point, I glanced at Shawn who was staring at them. He mistakenly turned to me while shaking his head and I saw that he was mirroring my suspicious expression. The likeness of how it happened made me laugh and Shawn shook his head with a faint smirk.
"Hi." Angie said with a grin that told me she'd been up to anything but good and knew that I knew it too. Then before I could speak, she tagged on the string that hung from my hoodie and did the same for Shawn.
"Aw look Ojay, it's the twins. Look how they got their hoodies up all cute like. And aww look they both got their hands in their pockets. Didn't I tell you they belong together?"
Shawn was still looking at them skeptically, not at all fazed by Angie, but I was. I stared at Angie in annoyance as I slapped her hand away from me before pushing my hoodie down my head.
"Where were you? No, don't even answer that. " I shook my head dismally while self cautiously smoothing my hair down because of the mess I'm sure I created. The fact that Angie chose not to speak—which was a rarity—let me know the details would've been too graphic for my liking and I grimaced.
"Where's Javon and them?" Shawn asked Ojay who was still seemingly in a dreamy state from whatever he was doing because he stared at Shawn, blinking quietly until he finally answered.
"Hmmm? Oh uh...yeah! Yeah." Ojay nodded confidently and Shawn stared at him impatiently for a while and I bit on my lip to stop me from laughing.
"Nigga did you hear what I just said?" he asked with a faint scowl and I chuckled softly.
Ojay cackled guiltily and Shawn repeated his question, this time using proper English and speaking slowly as if he wanted Ojay to comprehend better. I couldn't help but laugh.
"Oh them? They left." Ojay finally answered and Shawn drew his brows together.
"But that was our ride..." Shawn said in a slow way that made me smile. He was so cute at the most unexpected times.
"Oh we ridin' with Angie and Beyonce."
Shawn looked at me shortly before focusing on his shoes as he shifted from one foot to the other.
"Oh." Was all that he said.
I sighed heavily and only realized Angie was talking to me when she shook my arm to grasp my attention.
Angie allowed Ojay to drive because she claimed she didn't feel like it but in truth I think she just liked having him drive her around. Angie was all about letting a man play the male role and I knew Ojay liked that too. At one point I sent her a text asking her how she could do it at a football game. She sent me one telling me to try it first before judging her.
That girl was such a trip but that's why I loved her to death.
They were way too perfect for each other, and that's what was killing me. Everytime we got to a stop light, they'd peck each other. Throughout the whole car ride, they'd say things to each other that left me cooing but with a bitterness inside of me that longed to have what they had.
Love was in the air alright and I was suffocating off of its fragrance because it was too strong. Everytime I looked Shawn's way, he was glancing out the window with the back of his hand over his mouth. He didn't seem bothered by Ojay and Angie's public displays of affection, but consumed by his own thoughts.
The hollowness inside of me swelled at the realization that he would never give me a chance even if I tried. He just wouldn't. Shawn must have felt me staring hard at him because he turned to me shortly. Our eyes locked but not before he tore them away and gazed out his window again.
Giving up was so easy to do. If I'd given up on trying to get him though, why did the hollowness inside of me grow whenever I was around him? Or whenever I was around Angie and Ojay or anyone else who was experiencing a feeling I'd probably never get to experience?
When Ojay started making announcements that he had to make a stop somewhere, dread started to build a home in my heart. I didn't complain though.
"Look baby it'll only take me a minute." Ojay explained as he eased us through the gates to someone's house. I think it was Pierre's, the star athlete. I'd been there before for a party or two. I knew that he was having one today, and that's when dread started living in the home it recently built.
"Nuh uh," Angie griped, "What are you doing?"
"I said I have to pick up somethin' real quick."
"With all those hoes that I know are gonna be in there?" she asked with a deep scowl as she folded her arms. I quickly looked over at Shawn to find him watching the same thing too.
Ojay smirked slowly as he opened the door, "What...you don't trust me?"
"Hell no." Angie opened her door too and Ojay laughed.
"It's not funny."
"You're so sexy when you're mad man..." Ojay said as he stepped out.
"You really think I'm going to let you go there on your own?"
"I'm only going to pick up my basketball from him and I'll be out."
"Yeah well that's enough time for one of those whores to lock you in the bathroom and take advantage of you. And I wont let anyone take advantage of my baby."
Ojay was already laughing halfway through Angie's sentence and Angie was smiling mischievously as she stepped out and closed the door.
"Sup with their crazy asses..." Shawn murmured jokingly and I laughed softly but didn't look at him.
Then almost like an afterthought, Ojay opened his door and stuck his head into the car, peering at Shawn and I ruefully.
"It'll only take a minute. Ya'll gon' stay in the car?"
"Are you gonna take long?" I asked Ojay with a frown and he shook his head immediately.
"Nah I'm just getting my stuff and bouncing."
"Angie!" I called even though I knew she couldn't hear me and Ojay sucked his teeth.
"Man why you don't trust me either?"
"No I trust you. I just don't trust you and Angie alone together." I heard a condescending grunt from my side, only for Ojay to shoot reproaching eyes at Shawn.
"Man what you do that for?"
"Just hurry up man. I got to go in early tomorrow morning." Shawn said and Ojay sucked his teeth as he retreated from the car.
"Now yah ass wanna talk after playing silent." Ojay heckled.
"Hey Ojay. Leave the key in the ignition and leave the air conditioner on please."
It wasn't warm outside, but it was warm in the car and since I didn't trust his words that he'd be back, I didn't want to end up stuffing in here.
Ojay kindly did as I asked and made to leave before I stopped him.
"Please don't take your sweet time."
Ojay smirked before chuckling devilishly, "Trust me, there ain nothing sweet about the time we'll be taking."
"What the fuck?" "Ojay!" Shawn and I said synonymously. He the curse word, me Ojay's name in plaintive form.
"I'm just fuckin' with ya'll damn." Ojay quickly laughed to placate us, he closed the door and left Shawn and I in the car together.
Sure enough, fifteen minutes later, Shawn and I were still Ojay-less and Angie-less.
Those fuckers, I thought, no pun intended at all.
Angie and Ojay leaving us in the back of his car made the moment all too intimate to me. The steady gushing of the air conditioner embroidered the quiet that already pervaded the car. Being in the same car in solitary confinement like this with Shawn made nervousness and anxiety suffuse me so much to the point where I couldn't sit still. I looked back towards the house over and over, wondering what was taking them so long. When the obvious explanation struck me, I scowled at the illicit thought. Damn, they went at it like some rabbits on 'Speed' or something.
While I fidgeted periodically, the other end of the car remained stationary. A heavy sigh swiveled my head to the opposite end of the darkly foisted car. My heart rocketed to my throat and the pulse in my abdomen pelted heavily. Shawn was reposed on the other corner of the backseat with his eyes closed. A partial part of his face was obscured by the abstract shadows painted within the car. The rest of his features shone from the moonlight that filtered the car. He looked so unerringly beautiful to me at that point that I wondered how someone, how any being could be that way.
I knew that Shawn wasn't asleep because his countenance was tense despite his languorously slouching posture.
And his left leg shook slightly.
I gulped hard and focused on his dark baggy jeans and how his thighs were identifiable since he was seated. My gaze moved to the upper half of his body that was only covered by his t-shirt and jacket. His chest rose and fell with exertion from all the hard work he always did. As opposed to his quiet and complacent breaths, mine were deep and forcefully concentrated when I lingered over his strong neck, aching to touch him.
Emboldened by the affinity for Shawn that burned deep within me for a while now, I moved closer to him as quietly as humanly possible. Then I placed my hand on his convulsing leg, and the simplicity of my touch was powerful enough to make it cease. I watched his facial expression carefully for any changes, any twitching, but he remained immobile and silent as a church mouse. He knew that I was there though. I just knew that he knew it. So that I wouldn't have to lean entirely on him, I flattened my palm on the seat and leaned my entire arm against the back of it, opting to watch him for a while and see if he'd eventually wake up, look at me strangely and ask me what I was up to.
He did none of the above, which made me a bit more uncertain and nervous than before. But he was so riveting to me that night that I never cowered away like I normally did whenever I faced something that I knew I couldn't handle. This was the first time I was facing my fears—the first time that I was facing something that I wasn't used to.
While I imbibed in his features, I couldn't stop wondering over and over in shame how I'd nearly missed the opportunity to get to know him all thanks to my inborn ignorance. Admittedly though, if it hadn't been for him and his generosity to me, I might have never gotten to know him. And with each passing day, I knew that there was so much more I was yet to learn about him...if only he'd let me. I wanted him so badly, to be a part of him, that it scared me a little bit. And it had nothing to do with me wanting something that I couldn't have.
It was just that, every moment I spent with Shawn taught me something about myself. No one had ever had that effect on me—especially someone who I'd known for an anon time, someone who I barely knew.
No one had ever done this to me. Not my family, not my friends...but only he did.
I'd always thought I was better than him, only to find out that he was a much better person than I was.
He had no idea the serious effect that he had on me, and the way I was drawn to him left me aghast on plenty a occasion. I saw myself through him and that was the scariest, yet most forthcoming ordeal that I'd ever dealt with because it allowed me to take a good look at myself and what I was truly about. He opened my eyes to the truth of what I was by just being...him.
How could someone help me find myself without ever attempting to, by just living their life as the person that they are?
It was unlike anything I had ever known, like a birth taking place within me, allowing me to experience something new.
I started to realize and even in some strange way understand why he didn't want me.
I wasn't good enough for him and he deserved so much better.
But I couldn't tear myself away from him.
I just couldn't no matter how hard I tried.
"Shawn..." I quavered. The word was simple for it was only a name. But I knew that the urgency that made my voice tremble reached out to him.
He raised his brows in an inquiring, but knowing gesture that told me he knew I sat ferninst to him the entire time. I don't know if his comfortableness with me being so close to him was due to the fact that he was exhausted like he'd stated earlier. Nevertheless, I liked him this way. I liked him bleary and debilitated. His guard was far less powerful than when he was alert and aware of the world and its pernicious ways and people...like me.
When I did and said nothing, his eyes opened slightly into thin slits, but his eyeballs never moved, staring sightlessly at a place that collided with my collarbone. He wasn't astonished. Neither was he taken aback by my closeness to him and the tables turned for I was the one shocked by the ease emanating from him.
It was like all of this was innate. Like him opening his eyes to the sight of me right beside him was natural to him because he was not fazed at all.
A soft fuzziness tickled my insides, but not for long. I was still nervous. Still unsure and uncertain of what I was doing. Still surprised that he didn't immediately shy away from me.
He wasn't fighting me off. And he made no movements to do so either.
As I roved over his features, I wondered if his lack to fight me off like he usually did was because he was tired in all sorts of the word—emotionally, physically, mentally...
His heavily lidded eyes were a give away to that. I had the urge to ask him what he was thinking, what was hidden behind those nebulous dark eyes. But I knew it would never happen, and even if it did, it would never be easy to penetrate through them.
Lifting a hand that teetered with ambivalence along with this ironic, overwhelming need that made it burn fiercely. It was only when I touched him that he slowly moved his pupils until he was gazing warily at my mouth. My caress along his skin was feather light, and I dragged the digits of my fingers along the imperial gruffness of his jaw. The coarseness of his shaven skin was a reminder of the man, not boy, who lay beside me.
I brazenly ran the pad of my thumb over the bottom lip that felt surprisingly soft. That touch alone ignited a tiny spark in the center of my chest, and the more I touched him, the spark augmented to a flame that burned my insides fiercely.
"Shawn..." I rasped, my rash breaths brushing along his skin, singing to him the urgency I felt deep within me. I was so damn unsure, yet couldn't stop myself from gravitating towards the one thing I had never wanted at some point in my life. His eyes flitted to mine, still cloudy and inscrutable, but not enough to dissuade me from moving to him. The closer I closed the damned distance between us, the further his thinly opened eyes shifted to my mouth because he knew what was coming.
And he knew that what I was about to do would change the way we viewed one another forever.
The moment I knocked on his closed doors by pressing my lips against his, his tensed and his jaw bunched with the reluctance and hesitancy that always seemed to be there. His soft lips made the punishing flames broaden with their consummation of my insides and their caustic burning more excruciating and unbearable around my heart.
The fire of need was about to devour me wholly and I'd never wanted anything so much in my life.
My pulse quickened as I made my late night dreams a reality.
"Don't hold back..." I beseeched in a decadent whisper, my strokes along his gruff jaw less hesitant. Shawn's exasperated eyes soared up to mine, their slits a little bit more open, less foggy than before, more giving...
"Don't hold back from me..." I begged in a whispered chant, lowering my head to compress his lips under the pressure of mine once again, this time sealing them. He didn't tense up this go around. I took my time, savoring this moment for all those times I tried again and again to get to him and all the times he fought me off. This was my way of fighting back, of trying to unlock him out of the asylum he hid himself, his truth in.
Cupping his jaw with my hand, I tilted his head backwards and plucked on his lips gently, carefully so that he wouldn't slip away from me. He was still unresponsive, but I could tell that his overanxious aura started to break down, brick by brick, wall by wall, layer by layer by the fact that he didn't pull back from me.
And since he didn't fight me, my body inclined towards the warm vibrancy of his without much of my mind's doing. I couldn't stop myself now even if I wanted to.
My deprived tongue slid out of my lips and flicked hungrily along his meaty bottom lip. He tensed up faintly and I ardently reached into through the hollow concave that his hood created and scored the lower back of his head gently.
"Don't hold back," I kissed him again and parted his lips before assuring him in a hushed whisper "You don't have to hold back from me anymore..."
My tongue protuberated in between Shawn's lifeless lips, and the dispirited dullness in them only incited me to do more, to work for him more. To fight for him. To earn him. I used my tongue to break the barrier of his luscious lips and slid it along the ridge of his teeth until I was hailed access inside of him. When I probed deeper, the wetness of his mouth made caustic sparks shoot through me, leaving me with an amazed feeling that I'd never experienced in my entire life—and I'd kissed a handful of people to tell the difference. I sighed against our melding lips and sank my tongue deeper, only to hear a deep, seductive groan of gratification that only fueled the fires inside of me.
Cupping his head with both my hands now, I tilted my head to acclimate the angle and delved further into the hot cavern of his vulnerable mouth until nothing could separate us. Imbedding my tongue inside of him, I explored laboriously with sleek thrusts and drew life from him until he finally surrendered, unable to fight me anymore, and kissed me back. He was kissing me back...
I was so shocked by that that I felt weak all over, nearly melting from the fires that blazed me to death.
When his teeth nipped on my bottom lip as what I could only describe as a love bite, splinters of passion filled embers dispersed to every single angle of my body and I convulsed at the overpowering commotion taking place within me.
When Shawn kissed me back, he kissed with a fervor equivalent to his caliber. I could tell by the way he reciprocated my kiss strongly that he was the kind of person who gave back ten times more than what he was given. My hand fell away from his face, descending onto his chest where I felt the vast drumming of his heartbeat beneath my palm.
I depressed the upper half of my body closer to him and leaned my head further down until his tongue was snugly inside my mouth and we were one. Shawn, who was very much alive now, issued control in a way that haplessly made me lose my post into the lower role the learner and he the teacher. He used his velvety warm tongue to stroke the roof of my starved mouth, danced with strategic finesse with my tongue, and gnawed on my lips gently towards him whenever I couldn't handle the potency of the kiss and nearly pulled back. He brought out a carnal energy that had me panting and gasping for breaths while grappling at his chest and pressing myself against him as if we could get any much closer than we were. I just didn't want any distance whatsoever between us. I wouldn't allow it. His proficiency to kiss was a stark informer that he was very much experienced and I didn't mind one bit of all the girls who'd had him before. His low groans called forth the smoke from my passionately burning heart to rise up and fog up my mind with the euphoria he was giving me. Every time he pulled back it was only enough to grapple at lost breath before blessing me with his lascivious kisses again. When his hands landed on my lower back and grappled strongly, I shivered because his touch was so hot I wondered if it would singe through my thinly threaded shirt. When he'd pulled me closer to him, the one thigh of mine that was fractionally on top of him ended up in between the nest of his parted thighs.
The only sounds that I heard from there onward were the suctions of our ravenous kisses and our raspy breaths. Everything felt hot around me and I surmised that the fire that had started as only a negligible flicker was now a fiercely enkindled bonfire, burning me alive. At some point, I seriously thought that I was about to lose my sanity because kissing him felt so surreal, unlike anything I'd ever experienced in my life.
It was so much better than I'd ever dreamed they would be.
We remained like this, groping, grinding, sending unintelligible messages through panting breaths and low groans, tilting our heads for more access for such a long indeterminable time that I lost track of time itself. But like everything that reaches its apex, we descended slowly from our highpoint. Like every dream, we woke up from it into the reality of our lives, of our situations, of the barriers that had been separating us from each other for all this time.
The kiss was over when I regretfully pulled back from the abode that was his lips. Shawn's eyes were hazy and glazed over. If the effect of the kiss was as strong for him as it was for me, I was certain that my eyes mirrored his.
Nothing was said, nothing was heard because as it was the world became nonexistent to us.
When everything started to return to me slowly, I felt a heavy hammer on my palm...which rested on Shawn's chest. It beat synonymously with the steady drumming in my ear.
We were both paralyzed by the kiss, set in a different world and place that only few people in this world get the privilege to travel to. As I glanced at his drunken, coffee colored eyes, I wasn't so sure what he harbored in his thoughts, but mine were so random and nebulous that it took me a while to realize what I'd just done. The boldness I'd possessed that night may have cost me a chance of ever getting to know Shawn the way that I hoped to. I may have chased any chances of that happening away for infinity.
Like waking up from a wonderful dream into the cruel world, a strange dark feeling started to creep into a crack of my heart and I recoiled. Abashed and even somewhat scared by my actions and the imperious need that drove me to them, I scooted hastily down the backseat and turned away from Shawn until my back was shielding me from him. Escaping away from him so vastly made me feel suddenly cold and I wrapped my arms around myself ward it away. All the ambiguity streaming through me rushed with strong currents that petrified and perplexed me.
My musing was halted when a shuffling sound made me freeze. I soon felt a strong arm closing around my mid section, pulling me back until I was against something warm, melting the cold that had suddenly engulfed me into nothingness.
Momentously, I shifted until I was facing Shawn's sleepy eyes questionably. They were exhausted, tired and...defeated. There were no clouds, no haze no obstructions...just him. He didn't have to say a word to me, because the fact that I was able to see right through his eyes telegraphed that he wasn't going to fight me anymore. Without another word, Shawn pulled me closer to him until the entire front line of my body lay homely on his supine form. When he pressed his lips against my forehead, he enclosed his other arm firmly around me in not only acceptance, but in a protective way that that spoke so much more volumes than just our physical closeness. A little bit taken aback by his actions, I watched as he resorted to his previous doings and closed his eyes, his head still resting against the back of the seat. For a long time, I watched him. Then slowly but surely, I lifted a hand that shook faintly. I then marveled over his features with my convulsing fingers like I'd wanted to do earlier. My fingers weren't shaking from nervousness now though. They shook from the wells of emotion that were taking their toll on me. The more I touched his face, not only looking at his handsomeness but feeling it, the more his tensed features eased up until his expression was a serene one. When satisfied, I slumped bonelessly against him, letting my head repose on his firm chest. The thrumming of his pulsing heart into my ear was the lullaby that gave me leeway to finally relax and doze off. Before my eyes fluttered shut, I could've sworn I caught sight of a brilliantly bright star shooting across the dark sky from the window I looked at. Either that or the spasms of excitement and buoyancy from the soul-kiss were yet to retire from my insides. It was only as I rested on the warm haven of him, welcomed his heady scent into me through deep inhales, and heard his hushful respite that it dawned on me that the void that had nearly consumed me as a whole was suddenly filled up to capacity by an emotion that I couldn't give a proper description at that time. aAnd Shawn was right. The victory one recieved from hard work was priceless...