Some Day One Day

21

When Dreux told me that he was coming to pick me up, I was beyond nervous. Angie with her supportive nature called me a million times. It was nice to hear her voice the excitement that I was trying to control within me.
I opened the door to find him dressed in a deep blue t-shirt with dark, gray jeans. The surprise that lit his eyes and the way his brows shot up made me nervously anticipate what he'd say. I wasn't going to brood over his reaction if he didn't like it though.
"Well...damn." He said, giving me a thorough once over that made me blush profusely as I stepped out.
"Well damn to you too." He really did look especially nice that night and when he smiled modestly I couldn't help but smile back.
Dreux's reaction to my new look was a superfluous boost to my confidence.
Damn.
If going out with Dreux wasn't a breath of fresh air then I didn't know what else was. On our way to the stadium, I got to find out how much of a funny and charismatic guy Dreux truly was. Although he wasn't loud and obnoxious, his terse words were hard hitting enough to always either make me think or laugh out loud. Talking with Dreux, merely being around a different guy was an eye opener of how for a period of time in my life, Shawn had been the only guy I'd wrapped myself around. He had me so wrapped up that I didn't acknowledge any of the other guys around me. Even when I was married, I felt like I still belonged to him. Not that I had minded at the time, but I knew it wasn't good.
It was nice to be with someone for a change and not feel any kind of bondage to anyone else. I had to keep reminding that stubborn part of me to stop trying to make comparisons with Shawn and the time we spent together.
It was around four o'clock and Dreux and I were wagering our way through the traffic. I started to receive attention that I hadn't expected and although I was immensely flattered, I couldn't help but feel really strange. It was crazy to me how attention was something I craved at one point when now I almost couldn't handle it.
Still, it felt good to feel good because I thought I felt good and not because of anyone else.
The crowd was much larger and rowdier than I assumed they'd be. So that I wouldn't get lost, Dreux grabbed a hold of my hand and weaved through the packed crowd with me close to his side.
"Damn girl. You gon' make niggas flock after us and shit." Dreux said once we were home free through the most nebulous part of the crowd and started searching for our seats.
"Shut up Dreux. You think I don't see how these girls are already hating on me just for being seen with you?" I told him playfully even though I remember going through hell and back with that issue when I was with Shawn.
Soon, we were seated and it didn't take long for both of us to end up enjoying the hell out of the game.
"Tell you what." I told Dreux, looking ahead of us at the game as I leaned sideways to him.
"What?"
"Lets make a bet. My team wins, you buy me dinner. Your team wins, you buy me dinner."
Dreux laughed warmly, "Doesn't sound like a fair deal."
"Oh alright since you can't handle it then if your team wins, I'll buy you dinner." I opted, turning to face him.
"Nah I like your first deal better." Dreux said with a coolly.
"I thought you said it wasn't fair."
"Life ain' fair but we still livin' it right?" he said with a laugh and I couldn't help but join him.
Everything ran so smoothly and I felt that way even though my team was losing. All I could care about was enjoying myself. The game lured me in so much to the point where Dreux had to nudge my arm to get my attention.
"Be right back. Goin' to the restroom iight." He told me as he got up and I nodded distractedly. Dreux laughed at my obsession with the game.
"I don't know why you still thinkin' ya'll will win." He said and I swatted his arm playfully making the dimples on his cheeks deepen when he laughed. He was so cute.
"You wait and see." I called out to his departing figure.
I was getting ready to watch the game when I heard some incisive noise from behind me. Reflexively I turned and wished that I hadn't.
"Aye girl...yeah you." A random man in a red shirt with his group of friends was calling out to me and my smile instantly dropped.
"I been watchin' you girl." The guy said tauntingly and his friends joined him in a chorus of laughter.
Rolling my eyes, I turned around, choosing to ignore the rest of their brash comments. Upon my turning, I collided with the best side profile ever known to man kind and was cursed because from then on I couldn't look away no matter how hard I tried. I'm not sure if I was more shocked that I saw him everywhere I went or if the truism of shock stemmed from how much more handsome he looked each and everytime I laid my eyes on him.
My mouth watered at the sight in front of me. He was hunched forward, so his face extruded, making it easily decipherable. His skin was that lovely unique sienna brown color that was the medium everyone always envied because it wasn't too dark, or too light. Silky and smooth. It was just perfect. The thin strip of hair running from his temple down to his jaw was neatly clipped and so was the goatee, where his delectable lips were firmly set. The red brown fitted cap complimented his skin tone wonderfully and as usual, I loved the way it resided low over his intense eyes.
Someone beside him nudged him and grasped his attention. I was so caught up in Shawn that it took me a while to realize that it was Ojay. He hadn't noticed me yet. Shawn and Ojay exchanged a few words and after a while, Shawn stood up, blessing me with his back. Since he wore a t-shirt that day, it was a feat for one not to acknowledge his broad shoulders and brawny arm. Without much consciousness, my teeth sunk on my bottom lip when my eyes leisurely traversed to his forearms, which had always been one of my favorite parts about him. His arms were virile with the bulging veins that symbolized his strength and agility.
Giving Ojay his last words, Shawn wedged his way out of the bleachers and it was then I noticed some two girls giggling when he passed by them. Shawn, completely unfazed, didn't acknowledge them as he passed by and I felt like the little witch from the west when a small smile tickled my lips. As he descended the stairs, I heard a voice from deep within warning me to look away, but the rest of me vilified that looking at Shawn never seemed to tire me. Looking at him only made me yearn for more. He was an uncommonly attractive man, the type of handsomeness that only speeds through life once in a blue moon. He still had that same walk, that similar swagger he had—the one I noticed when I saw him walking down the hallway back then in highschool. There was something different about his walk though. With his hands in his pockets, Shawn's head was held slightly high with an air of prestige and certainty about himself. He didn't look like he was apologizing for existing like he did occasionally before. He had a different aura of confidence around him, but a nonchalance about himself all the same that said he didn't take himself too seriously.
How he had changed, and how I'd missed all the years that happened. He looked so okay. He seemed so unbothered.
And why the hell did I still care?
How could Angie say he was hurt?
Then again, if someone knew how to hide things well, they couldn't see a broken heart as clearly as the one who caused it.
When he got to the floor, which was two bleachers away from where I harbored, my heart's palpitations got more and more urgent against my doing. My lips parted when I felt this weird urge to call him, and as if hearing my silent beckon, as Shawn swung his gaze to me.
At first there was no reaction, then as if it all flayed him at once, his narrowed, pensive eyes opened up a little bit more with shock so palpable that I could feel them. While eyeing at me, his slightly raised chin lowered a tad. The world faded for those few moments. And much to my surprise, he didn't stare at me with deceit, or hate, or an inscrutable look that I couldn't read.
He was clearly surprised.
Gulping hard, I waited for him to come to me with some excuse of how much he hated me. I waited for him to come to me with a reason to taunt me. And the strangest thing was that I anticipated his arrival.
To my dismay, the shock began warring from his eyes, becoming disinterested and impassive as he turned away. Not sparing me a word or so much as a glance, Shawn breezed right by me in all my nonexistence. I continued to star at him like a slave whose master had garnered control without a lick of struggle.
Suddenly disparaged and damning myself for feeling that way, I leaned forward and propped my chin in my palm of the elbow that rested on my knee. From then on I tried to enjoy the rest of the game but to no avail.
"Why the long face pretty lady?" I heard first before I raised my eyes to an approaching Dreux.
"Damn Dreux. Is my face really long?" I asked him with a playful pout to taint presumptions he might have of my reputed long face.
"Actually your face is damn near perfect." He said amiably as he sat down and I couldn't help but blush and looked at the other end of the court, not acknowledging the fact that I was actually looking for Shawn. I snapped out of it and turned to Dreux who was drawing soda from a can.
"So how come I'm getting all these compliments today Dreux?" I asked him. Swallowing his drink, I couldn't help but notice the virility of Dreux's neck. I took further notice of his features when he licked his burgeon lips and turned to me with a smile.
"Cause I know you ain' about to bite a nigga's head off."
My gasp made Dreux laugh and elaborate.
"You seem more approachable." He explained and the casual way he said galled me. Finally Shawn was thwarted to the backburner of my mind where I convinced myself I wanted him.
"More approachable?" I rebounded.
"Yeah. You always used to have this mean ass look on your face like 'I'll fuck you up if you even dare say hi to me nigga' type of look."
Narrowing my eyes at Dreux playfully, I smiled ruefully at his words, silently thanking him for making me feel better even if he didn't know it.
He had come back with some snacks and I unremorsefully took a chocolate bar from him. I was glad that I didn't hesitate and worry about my figure the way I once used to. Dreux's return made me feel a little bit better because we were back to joking and laughter. As my slopping mood began to accelerate to normalcy, while we were talking he glanced up ahead of me and his smile faltered. Unthinkably, I turned to find Shawn walking past us with a few snacks in his hands. It was when I was focusing on his hand that I realized it had some markings on it, like he'd gotten a tattoo on it. My gaze shifted back to his face to find him looking at us briefly before uncaringly turning away and continuing with his walk.
Willing myself not to be let down, I continued talking with Dreux about the game with forced enthusiasm. I could tell that Dreux wasn't easily fooled, but he was kind enough not to call me out on it. My laboring to feel good and self discipline not to look back and check on Shawn every five minutes paid off because even though I wasn't truly in sync with the game as before, I wasn't feeling the depression I felt myself slipping into.
I told myself that I would be okay. And as long as I believed that I would be okay if I didn't think too much about it.
When the game was over and we were filing out of the stadium, Dreux run into a friend of his that he knew. As Dreux introduced me to the friend whose eyes slithered on me hungrily, I couldn't help but become disturbed by the sudden uncomfortable air that began to surround me. It wasn't even because of the way he was looking at me. I was just...restless.
Dreux and his friend indulged in conversation about things I knew nothing about. Excusing myself from them, I decided to treat myself and made my way to a concession stand that sold different merchandise. On my way there, I came across a bunch of guys standing up against a wall—Shawn being one of them. He was standing by this guy with a head of locks with Ojay on the other side of him. They all hadn't seen me, but I saw them, Shawn especially. He wore a lazy smirk as he stared dazedly at the ground while Ojay spoke with so much animation that even the other guy silently listened. Shawn and the other guy started to laugh and I don't know why it happened but a warmth blossomed in my chest upon seeing him smile. His head lifted until his strong neck showed as he laughed at Ojay's words. Before Shawn could draw me out of my senses, I wrested away from them blushing embarrassedly.
I was waiting in the relatively short line at the concession when I heard a familiar ruckus from behind me.
"Sup lil mama." I heard and smelled the reek of alcohol before actually seeing the face. And when I did, I immediately grimaced because it was the same guy I'd seen earlier.
"My boyfriend's here with me." I told him dryly with complete disinterest as I turned the other way.
"Damn you still playin' with little boys? You need a man babygirl."
"Well then if I'm a baby girl, maybe a boy is what I need." I told him with plain sarcasm and he grinned at me, "Now please leave me alone."
"Sharp tongue," he actually had the nerve to grab the groin area of his pants and step forward, "I like that..."
Thoroughly disgusted, I rolled my eyes and looked straight ahead of me, "Please just go before he sees you with me. He gets really angry when he sees me talking to other guys."
"I ain' scared of your...boy...friend." He put sardonic emphasis on the word 'boy' and I sighed impatiently.
"So what do you say me and you hop in my ride and—"
Patience had finally slipped out of my grasp and I whipped around angrily.
"Do you not listen? Do you understand English or do I seem to be speaking in motherfucking tongues that you can't seem to understand? I told you...leave...me...alone. No, better yet, leave...me...the fuck...alone." I was so heated, and I knew then that it was due to a number of things—him being the main factor though.
The man's barely charming expression twisted into a scowl.
"The fuck you think you is bitch?"
Clutching my eyes shut, I turned away from him and made to face forward, only for him to grab me so roughly I nearly lost my momentum and my purse crashed to the ground.
"Let me go!" I screamed at him, trying to wrest away from his hold but he was much too strong. What surprised me was the fact that everyone else was watching and not doing anything about it. I started to wonder where Dreux was and if he would come to my aid, but he was so far away that I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't.
Upon my frantic need for release, I spotted a cross Ojay approaching and saw Shawn still by the wall, but staring curiously and worriedly.
When I finally pried myself free, I started to worry that this guy may have been off his rocker and with the alcohol that emanated from him I could be certain that it was a fact.
With a slew of blasphemous words stringing out of him, he took another step to me, only for his view to be suddenly blocked from me by a wide back.
"Now I know you ain' about to go that far homie." I heard Ojay say, realizing that it was he who had barricaded me. Thankful beyond belief for Ojay saving the day, I decided I just wanted to get away from this place immediately and knelt to get my purse. My kneeling came to a screeching halt when I nearly collided with Shawn as he hunkered down to pick up my fallen purse. As he handed it to me, his eyes met mine and I muttered a barely audible thank you. Before indulging in another stare session, we were interrupted by the man who chose to remain persistent with a haughty cackle.
"This yo little bitch ass of a boyfriend?" the man sneered and I literally felt Ojay tense before making to lunge at him.
"The fuck you call me?!" Ojay shrieked. Ojay's hatred for men who mistreated women was rooted deeply for obvious reasons so I could understand why he was immensely upset.
Shawn immediately left my side and ceased Ojay with a placating hand to his chest.
"Yo punk ass ain' about to do shit." The other man mocked and it was Shawn's turn to face off with the intruder.
What took me aback, amazed me even was the calm demeanor Shawn still managed to encase amidst all this chaos.
"You ain' about to do shit either." The man slurred, stumbling up to Shawn who simply scoffed as he looked to his side and unperturbedly shoved his hands into his pockets with a slight shake of his head.
"Let's just both hope you ain' that crazy son." He said in a laughing tone emphasizing the word 'that', thus ridiculing the man's doubtful savagery. Shawn waited, patiently chewing his jaw bunching and relaxing as he chewed some gum with a look that screamed 'you can't be serious'. When he tilted his head and raised a provoking brow that bullied, the man's face twisted in more rage and Shawn still managed to remain completely unfazed.
"You ain' about shit." Was all the man said, his bravery visibly wearing thin as he sized Shawn who he was obviously no match for. Eventually, the man backed off with more less than threatening words until he staggered off into the small audience we'd brought together.
All the while I was latched onto Shawn the entire time, my heart swelling with pride at his fearless prominence.
"Punk ass niggas. They just never get old huh?...Aye, you iight baby sis?" I barely heard Ojay say as he rubbed my back comfortingly.
"Yes. Thanks guys." I muttered softly, ashamed for being the focal point of destruction as usual, "I'm sorry."
Shawn was studying me speculatively, thoughtfully...and I knew I'd never knew what he cooped up in those thoughts.
"What are you doing here alone anyway? Dressed like this?" Ojay asked the way a father would ask his daughter what she had on.
"I'm here with Dreux." I explained, still unable to take my eyes off of Shawn. The moment I said Dreux's name, Shawn turned away from me, his face still expressionless.
"Who?" Ojay asked and right when I opened my mouth to apologize, his ring tone blared and disrupted me. When he saw that the caller was Angie, he excused himself and had to walk to away to a quieter portion of the clustered area.
That left Shawn and I standing in awkward silence together. I was a little bit shaky, and I don't think it was because of what had just happened.
"Hey, are you in line?" I heard someone ask. Both Shawn and I looked past his shoulder to a hurried man carrying his daughter. Suddenly I remembered that I was in fact next in line and nodded jerkily with an apologetic smile. Shawn simply stepped back from the line and I feared that he would leave, but realized that he was probably waiting on Ojay to finish his conversation, so I felt not only safe, but also undeniably thankful.
After selecting the sweatshirt that I'd had my eye on earlier, the man told me the price. Nodding, I looked through my wallet for the appropriate amount. As if things couldn't get more mortifying for me, I realized then that I didn't have enough money. With the hair products and groceries I'd cosseted in for the past week, I knew I had stepped over my financial limit, but I didn't think it was overly so.
Biting my lip in constriction, I readied myself to make excuses as to why I didn't need the sweatshirt anymore.
"How much you say it is?" I heard a deep voice from behind me and twisted my head to find Shawn stepping up to me, looking at the man behind the counter.
The man told him how much it was and I began to get disgruntled and slightly bothered.
"I don't want it." I told Shawn who looked at me briefly before paying the gentleman despite what I said. I chewed my tongue to keep me from yelling at him and looked the other way.
When he was done paying, he started to back up while looking around him casually.
"Is this a pattern that I have to get used to?" I found myself asking when irritation got the best of me. Shawn's bewildered gaze dropped down to me.
"What?" he asked in confusion. I didn't want to start any altercations, but I couldn't help it. I kept my voice mild.
"You keep switching up Shawn...make up your mind. One moment you're giving me the cold shoulder the next you're buying me things out of sympathy."
Shawn's chest became pronounced when he inhaled deeply and turned away from me, his jaw bunching as he probably swallowed his words.
"Should I count on you treating me like shit and getting a rise out of hurting me the next time we meet? And here." I asked, obtruding his sweatshirt to him.
"How'd I hurt you?" Shawn gave the sweatshirt a cursory glance, "And I'm not taking that back so you need to quit already."
"Telling me that I would've known of Marissa's condition had I been there?" what I truly wanted to bring up was the topic of him taking some random whore into the bathroom while I was still there, but even I was logical enough to know that I had no right to ask him about that.
Shawn scoffed, gnawed at his gum with his eyes roaming passed me before they landed on me yet again, "You're fuckin' with me right?"
The seriousness I'm sure he could see in my eyes gave him my answer and he moistened his lips, shaking his head incredulously.
"You know you didn't hurt just one person when you left right?"
I opened my mouth to retaliate with the lame excuse I'd formed in my mind but Shawn beat me to it.
"You didn't even tell her goodbye Beyonce. Didn't even write her back." He said with less heat to his voice.
Shawn's words struck a cord in me so vibrantly that I was so shook up I couldn't think up a come back. He held my eyes and searched them piercingly for answers that couldn't be easily answered. Guilt swallowed me as a whole, making my eyes lower shamefully. What stuck in my mind also though was his mentioning of me not writing her. I never got any letters from Marissa, only from him and up to this day they still lay unopened in the pith of my suitcase.
"So don't come to me talking about hurt." He snarled, sliding his gaze down my body and up to my face again before he looked away.
At a loss of what to say or do, I realized that I still had the sweatshirt he bought for me and held it out to him. Shaking his head in vexation, Shawn made to walk off when a sudden commotion occurred.
"Daddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" both Shawn and I heard and the next thing I saw was a toddler smacking right into Shawn's legs.
Shawn looked down at the kid who latched onto his leg adoringly. Like a candle had been suddenly lit, his entire face brightened up, his lips curling into a smile.
I took a few steps back. I didn't even think I was doing it, but I kept on stepping back until he wasn't at reachable distance anymore.
Shock might've been what propelled me to move away...shock and disbelief.
"Ah lil man. What you doin' here? Where's Mom?" He asked the boy with a warm, affectionate smile as he picked him up, effortlessly as though the boy's weight was comparable to a feather's.
The little boy thrust a toy car in Shawn's face and Shawn laughed as he examined it as if he was keenly interested.
"What you got here?" Shawn asked the overjoyed boy.
"Gerald! Gerald get back here!" I heard a frustrated woman wail and screech in front of them with a billowing chest as she tried to gain her breath.
"Mummy!" The boy chirped enthusiastically as he pointed at the lady who walked up to Shawn and hugged him like it was something she did on a regular basis. He hugged her back with just as much innateness, like she was an old friend...a good old friend.
"Sup Kellaine." He said to her and laughed when the boy who she'd referred to as Gerald suddenly banded his arms around Shawn's neck.
"Sorry I was talking to an old friend of mine when he just started getting fidgety and suddenly run off when he got out of my grasp."
There's sometimes in life when you see something happening before you, you don't grasp it. You don't believe it. And the pain I felt when I saw what I saw before me was unlike any other I'd ever known.
Right before my eyes, my vision suddenly blurred when a strong wave of acidic tears struck them but no tears fell. Pressure began to build up in my chest and I felt like a fist had closed over my lungs.
"Damn Angie can talk a nigga to death. But aye Beyonce who was it that you were sayin you came with?" I heard Ojay say and felt him stand beside where I stood motionless.
"I...have to go Ojay." I told him dazedly in a husky voice.
"Huh?" Ojay asked in confusion but when I turned to leave and he was able to see my face, he became stunned.
"What's wrong?"
Shaking my head mutely, I rounded him, my bottom teeth confining my top lip as I suppressed the need to cry. I don't know what was wrong with me. Ojay looked around him while muttering, 'where is that nigga' and when he saw what I'd seen I watched his expression carefully. He snapped his head in my direction, pure guilt overriding his face.
It made the pain in my chest sharper in force and pain.
Biting my lip, I told him bye and made to leave, fortunate that he wasn't stopping me. I just wanted to leave this place. I wanted the images of what I'd seen to flee my mind.
I was just leaving when I heard my name being called urgently. Sighing heavily, I turned and braced myself to face Ojay's badgering only to find that it was Dreux who was calling after me. Ojay looked at him suspiciously as he walked up to me.
The moment I turned, Dreux's smile dropped and he drew his brows together in confusion.
"You iight ma? I been lookin' for you girl."
Ojay continued to stare at Dreux strangely and with what had just transpired with the other random drunkard, I didn't want him to start making quick assumptions.
"Ojay this is Dreux. He's my date. Dreux this is Ojay. He's like a big brother."
"Sup." Dreux acknowledged him with a nod and Ojay reciprocated him and almost immediately, his phone rang. After muttering a curse word under his breath that clearly indicated that Angie was the caller, he excused himself from both of us before walking off with his phone to his ear.
"You ready to go? If not I can wait. It's no rush" I prevaricated, knowing I wanted to be anywhere but here but not wanting to be rude since he'd been such great company the entire night. Before Dreux could answer, I heard a loud squeal and turned to find the jubilant young boy still in Shawn's strong arms. Shawn and the lady were both laughing as they watched the boy with the type of adoration and love parents had whenever looking at their child.
When I wrested my eyes away from them and turned to Dreux, I nearly flinched because he was looking where I'd been looking and when he turned to me, his expression was all knowing.
"Nah I'm ready to leave." He told me and I nodded, unable to put up an act anymore since the pressure in my chest had built up to a higher degree.
As we left, I couldn't help but punish myself some more and glance over at Shawn. My heart shattered to more pieces than it already had and I turned away from them.
The car ride with Dreux wasn't silent like I'd expected because I was surprisingly the one doing the talking. No matter what I told myself, I wasn't trying to conceal the pain that I felt from Dreux but moreso trying to convince myself that I wasn't at all affected. Dreux would respond tersely, smiling mildly when he did smile. But I could tell he was very much aware that I wasn't okay.
When we got to my place, I sighed a sigh of relief and as I reached for the door handle, I managed a smile at Dreux.
"Thank you so much Dreux this was so much fun. Dinner's on me okay? Drive safely." My departing words seem to hang in the air because Dreux simply stared at me with a calmed, unhurried expression. He leaned his side to the door, the hand that had been on the steering wheel dropping and the other elbow resting on the opening of the window.
"That was ol' dude from the club right?" His question speared through the quietness and speared me so abruptly that I froze when I got struck.
For long moments, our eyes held, and the only sound in the car was the humming of his engine.
"Ya'll got history right." Dreux said rather than asked with a small, nonjudgmental smile.
Swallowing the bitter lump that burned my throat, I lowered my eyes from his and my whole body slumped when the false armor I'd put around me collapsed.
Biting my lip, I stared out of my window, my vision blurring when thoughts summoned my tears back. Although Dreux and I were still taking baby steps getting to know each other, I found myself talking to him as if he were an old friend.
"I didn't know he got a child while I'd been away." Saying the words made it more painful to me, making a tear leak out the corner of my eye. I wiped it off before it would leave a burning trail down my cheek.
"Been away? What happened?" Dreux sounded concerned and when I looked at him the frown matched his words.
My eyes dropped from his.
"You know you don't have to tell me. It's just that I noticed how you kept looking for him at the club. And I noticed throughout the game how you were just weren't feeling it so much anymore all of a sudden. Soon as I seen that nigga I knew he had to be the cause."
"I'm so sorry Dreux. I didn't mean to ruin your night."
"You didn't." he told me reassuringly. When the image of Shawn holding another woman's baby flickered in my mind for the millionth time that night, sighed when a sharp pain streaked across my chest.
"What did he do?" Dreux asked gently and I smiled bitterly while shaking my head. Biting my lip, I turned towards the window and stared up at the starry sky.
"It's not what he did," I turned to Dreux again, "It's what I did."
Dreux stared at me in slight shock, as though one couldn't believe that someone like me could be a culprit.
We both sat in the car quietly for a while. Sighing heavily, I got ready to apologize to Dreux for heaving my problematic ways upon him when he spoke before I did.
"You still ain' gotten over him right?" he asked and when I turned to him, there were no rancor, no reproach, no snide qualities to his expression. He actually looked understanding.
Unable to lie to either him or myself anymore, I smiled weakly at him.
"I'm trying to Dreux. I really am." I told him somberly and the way my voice quivered must've given away to how much this was killing me inside, "I'm going out more, trying to forget about him but it only seems to be getting worse."
Dreux was quiet a moment and I almost regretted being so open with him until he spoke.
"Well...I think that until you actually face the issue...whatever it is, then you can't move on to other things and people. Deal with whatever it is about him first and then maybe it'll be easier to move on."
It amazed me how he didn't even know the whole story, yet his words touched on every aspect of the situation.
I smiled lightly at him, hoping that it would vocalize the gratitude I felt for him saying what he did.
"Aye look," he put his warm hand reassuringly over mine, which was clutching onto my purse and onto the sweatshirt...tighter, "Situations like those...you gotta take them one day at a time iight."
I nodded my understanding.
"But Dreux...how did you know something was up...I mean..."
Dreux laughed.
"Just by the way ya'll look at each other. I mean shit, to tell you the truth, ya'll ain really that slick with it."
I twisted my lips ruefully and looked down at our hands.
"Thanks Dreux."
"Anytime. And anytime you need to talk, or need a friend or somethin' like that you can hit a nigga up." He said smilingly.
When I looked up at Dreux, I could see what he meant clearly in his eyes. He'd probably looked at my situation and concluded that that was all we'd ever be, at least for a while.
And I couldn't blame him at all for feeling that way at all.
"You know...I can already tell that you're gonna be a really good friend." I was usually very cautious about people and their intentions, but it had been a while since I was receptive to friendship with open arms.
"Iight then. Imma see you at work tomorrow." Dreux said and the dismal look I gave him showed him that I didn't want to go.
"Thanks again Dreux," I told him once I was out of the car, bent over with just my head in the car, "I owe you."
"You straight. Want me to walk you up? Place doesn't look safe."
"No I live right on the first floor so I'm good."
Thanking once again and telling him goodbye once again. Dreux stayed and watched until I had entered my apartment.
Once inside, I crumbled; stupefied by the fact that I'd been merely able to walk to the apartment.
Not bothering to turn the lights on, I threw my purse along with the sweatshirt bought by the man himself on the couch. I then made my way to the bathroom with memorized steps, discarded my clothing, and took a shower...a cold one.
Once I was done, and not shivering from the arctic water that had been rolling my body, I got ready for bed moving economically. As I slipped into bed, my few weeks old cell phone rang, but I ignored and aligned my spine on the bed.
As I stared into the pitch darkness with the only source of light streaming from the half shut blinds of my window, I kept on seeing Shawn and the proud smile on his face as he held the boy who'd called him Daddy. I tried to convince myself that that wasn't his son, but he called him the only name a son calls their father.
The thought made my head throb painfully.
A son?!
A child...something we could've had together he shared with somebody else.
How could I have not known this?
Angie and Ojay hadn't said one word about Shawn having a child. It was that benumbing moment that I realized the way they'd barely told Shawn about the happenings of my life, they'd done the same for me with his.
Logical thinking would've prompted me to realize that Shawn's life still went on after I exited it. Still, I couldn't believe it. And the lady...who was she? Another thought struck me hard and I wondered if all of this had anything to do with Angie's reluctance when I asked her to fill me in on what he'd been through the four years I'd been absent.
Cursing myself over and over for letting it get to me this way, I rolled onto my side and willed myself to fall asleep...but my thoughts would not spare me.
Another stark thought hit me so hard that my eyes flew open and I slowly sat up in bed with my back against the wall.
The letters.
Had he mentioned this in the letters he'd written me?
Had my ignorance brought me to this dismal place?
Swallowing hard, I scrambled out of bed to my suitcase nearby and fished for the stack of letters, held together by an elastic band. Taking them in my hands, I sat at the edge of my bed and stared at them as if that would make them open on their own.
I stared and stared...until the fear that I'd felt throughout the first year whenever I'd receive the letters started to creep into me like an unwanted habitué.
Breathing deeply, and feeling the tightening around my throat conflagrate more intensely, I removed the band from the letters and sifted through them. They were four of them. All were in his name. The handwriting of the first one varied from the other three, but they were still all in his name nonetheless.
I always feared what he said in those letters...and how he said it. Were they written with pressing love or with building up hate...or maybe both? I didn't know because Shawn didn't seem the type to write letters to anyone to begin with, and that's what might have scared me so much from opening them...because they were so out of his character.
Old habits die hard because I suddenly felt like I couldn't handle it anymore. As usual, I couldn't face my fears...much like the death of my parents and the mistakes of my past. I couldn't face him...not yet. I was too afraid to read what he would say.
Then another part of me figured that reading them would be pointless. Why revisit the past?
Disappointed in myself, I returned the envelopes to the bottom of the suitcase and buried them with some of my clothes.
Once back in bed, I tried in vain to get some sleep, crying in various period like scattered rain showers that appeared and disappeared on a forlorn city.
By the time sleep found me, I had to reject it because it was already time to get ready for work.