Some Day One Day

54

...Every night the blackened sky and the twinkling stars are always immovable, in the same position. They never change and looked like an overhead painting acting as heaven's floor looking down on us people on earth with its beauty. Whether clouds rolled in, the wind would eventually blow them away and the stars and night sky would still be in the same position.
Much like the night hadn't changed, the dispiriting emotions I felt from that night were still the same. The pain was still the same whenever I thought about it, because thinking about it meant reliving it.
With summer close at hand fire flies drifted around us like snowballs made of burning light. Crickets warbled to take place of the silence that nightfall came with. Occasionally cars from this upscale neighborhood would whip by. One full of high strung teenagers caroused past us, the loud music shaking the quiescence of this place. It brought back memories of Shawn and I snuggled in the back of Ojay and Angie's car whenever we went for our highschool parties.
I felt cold because Shawn was no longer seated behind me. When I had told him of the extents I went through just so that my parents could have him taken out of jail, he had murmured a vicious curse word and stood up. Too afraid to look I had paused before resuming the sad tale of what I'd had to do in order for him to be free.
It was so quiet I wondered for a moment if he was still there, but I could detect Shawn's presence in a throng of presences. He was still there. I felt him.
"When..." I began reluctantly, "When all of that happened, I came home only to realize that my mother had made plans for us to move because she'd found out that I met up with you again. I was too tired to argue with her or wonder how she possibly found out we'd met. Before I could even say anything, she told me she was going to make some calls that would have you locked up the next day."
My fingers curled over my chest where a pain crippled my heart just as it did when she'd told me that.
"I was so shocked. Even amidst my father's illness, she was still set on keeping us apart. My mother knows people, more so because of my father's social status in the community-him being one of the top lawyers in the state...I knew my mother could have you locked away in a jiffy. All she had to do was make a few calls and spend some money. She told me that before, she'd not only had them spare you on the drug charges but she advised, more like paid them not to charge you for threatening the officer that you threatened the night when they took you away.
"At that point, I was beyond wondering why she was doing this, I just didn't want her to do anything to you...so," the tightening in my throat made it difficult for me to speak, so I gulped continuously until the knot loosened, "So I told her she had nothing to worry about. I told her that it was over."
I remember how she looked that night, and feelings of hate started to weasel back into my heart. I wondered if I hadn't broken it off with him and given her the proof, what could've happened to him the following day.
"I remember her asking me if I was sure, and that's when I realized...as hard as telling you all those things, making you hate me...as much as that hurt to do, I thought it was all I could do instead of letting your entire life end simply because of me."
I sighed heavily, my moist hands rubbing my lap. .
"The reason why I hadn't spoken to you those first few weeks was not only because of the shock from my father, but also because guilt hit me real hard. I had been so focused on us, on trying to get you out that I had ignored him. I was focused on hating them for trying to do all of these things to me. The day I finally decided to end things was a difficult one, but what I already had in mind was to tell you what my mother's true intentions were. I thought you would let go easy because your future was unfairly jeopardized by her. But when I heard you speak to Ojay..."
Wiping my tears away with the heels of my hands I sobbed softly, every word replaying in my mind.
"I remembered how strong willed you were and began to get really nervous. Hearing you speak that way reminded me of how easily you don't give up. When you'd arrived at the bridge I tried to do it easily, but it was clear you didn't believe me. At that time I knew you Shawn, when things hit the fan you go full throttle and telling you my mother's intentions wouldn't have been enough to keep you away. But that's the awkward likeness you and my mother have. She's the same way. If someone strikes her, she'll strike back with ten times more fury and only Lord knows what she would've done if you kept coming back. So..."
My entire face burned, the flames of guilt and self-deprecation consuming me wholly.
"I started to say things that I knew would make you hate me. I wanted you to hate me with all your heart so that you wouldn't want to ever look back. As long as my mother was alive and breathing she wasn't going to let us be together, that much I knew. I don't know how I was able to say those words. And I know I let my fears get the best of me...and I'm sorry. That's not enough to erase all the pain that I've caused you, and I understand you hating me or never wanting to forgive me...but when I went home and saw that my mother was truly willing to do these things to you just because she saw us together ..."
It was still very quiet and still too torturous for me to talk about this, but since I'd already plunged into the deep water, I figured I might as well drown.
"I wondered how far she'd go if we continued to keep contact. I told her it was over but she was persistent. She told me she wanted proof that it was over. I really panicked because she didn't believe that we'd ended things. I begged her, I got on my knees and begged her to do something about it so that they wouldn't do anything to harm you."
With my elbows propped on my lap, I dropped my eyes onto my palms.
"I think my mother just wanted you to be locked away whether she believed we had ended things or not...I don't know why. I guess she had this real big misconception of who you were. No matter what we would've tried to do differently she was going to keep us apart. After begging her some more I guess she saw how serious I was and had them not do anything. She told me she spent a lot of money doing that because law enforcement get really grateful when they get hustlers off the street so for them to knowingly let one go free...she said she had to do a lot of dirt. But even after she'd decided against telling them, she still told me to vow never to see you again...because if I did then she was going to make sure she kept you away from me so that my life couldn't be ruined."
I took a few more moments to collect myself before commencing.
"But the way I saw it, as long as you stayed with me, your life would be ruined...not the other way around. I thought of us running away, but Angie had told me you'd gotten a scholarship here in New York. He...She told me that you told Ojay you'd been accepted to a handful of colleges but you were going to go to whichever based on how me and you were going to be together.
"I know you wanted to go to that school really bad over here. I didn't want us running away on my account...I didn't want you changing your aspirations because of us and that's what was happening. For me? I would simply go wherever you went, but the guts my mother proved she had showed she wouldn't let me. I tried to end it as gently as I could at first, but you kept on insisting that we could work it out when all I could see was destruction as far as my mother was concerned. I know I didn't try hard enough but I panicked remembering what you'd told Ojay and what my mom had told me...so..."
"So you had to hit the weak points hard." Shawn concluded for me tonelessly. The sound of his voice made me stiffen.
"Yes," I admitted ashamedly with a lowered head, "I kept thinking of all these dreams you told me you had for your future, and I kept thinking of my own confusion and started saying whatever I knew would keep you away."
Sniffling sounds from me were the only sounds from then on.
"So that's when you moved?"
"Yes," my throat was like a writhing furnace, "Dad needed a break from the city life, and so did the rest of us. We moved to Nevada."
"And you got married."
My shoulders slumped when I sighed in sad remembrance, "...Yes."
It got painfully quiet, and then I began blurting everything out.
"I wore the ring everyday since we parted, but my mother didn't hide the fact that it really bothered her. She started to suspect whether or not I lied about the annulment, and of course threatened to make sure I wasn't distracted."
"By me."
"Yes."
"She threatened you in what way?"
A rage that I'd buried wormed out of its grave, "She thought I was still seeing you, or having contact with you because I still wore the ring...so she thought if she put you behind bars then you wouldn't affect my life any longer," I swallowed hard and lowered my eyes, "So I took the ring off just to appease her so that she wouldn't do anything. And when she introduced me to Lee, I went along dating him as she wished cause I felt if I refused then she'd think something was still going between us."
Shawn muttered a curse word under his breath, and I continued my story.
"Deep down I knew she was more approving of Lee though because he came from a family of prominence. And...his parents felt the same way about us. He was going through the same thing that I was, and we found solace in each other because we were in similar situations."
"So you got married."
"Yes." I conceded reluctantly, realizing he'd mentioned that phrase for the second time.
"So you really did get it taken care of huh." He said quietly after a while, leaving me in confusion to what he meant.
"Huh?" I turned around only to find him standing by the railing of the porch staring into the distance with his hands in his pockets.
"So that's why you told me all that shit..." He said instead, surprising me when he said those words and turned his head slightly to look at me, "Cause you knew I'd come back regardless."
When all I did was regretfully stare back at him, Shawn blinked away from me and murmured a curse word that singed my ears.
"And she still threatened you after that?" he asked as he walked over to the opposite ledge of the patio.
"Yes. I thought my father's heart attack would dissuade her form our situation but she was still on it with owl watch. It started to get really intense...sometime before the marriage, I tried running away once...but she found me. Things got ridiculous, and by then I stopped trying to understand why she did things the way she did...and she knew you were my weakness so by threatening to target you she knew it was much worse than anything she could do to me."
"So by doing everything your parents said, you thought you were protecting me."
I didn't say anything to that.
"I can fight my own battles." He added coolly instead.
"And that's exactly why I didn't tell you. I didn't want you to have to fight with her Shawn. She'd shown me that she meant business."
"You should've told me." he pressed.
"Yes I should have, I admit. But would you have backed up knowing that?" I kept my face averted as I asked because I already knew the answer.
The scorching curse word he murmured was his response and the tone was somewhat consenting.
"She really fucked us up huh."
"No, it was my fault for giving in to her threats. I broke your trust...made you believe that I didn't care about us at all...and I hurt you thinking it was for the best. This was all my fault."
I had this inclination to tell him about the addiction, but I would gauge the relevance of that based on whether he cared for me or not. Right now I wasn't so sure what he felt.
"Where's the ring?" he persisted.
When I turned to look at him it was to find him leaned against the wall right beside the front door with his arms folded.
"At the house."
"In Nevada?" he raised a genuinely surprised brow.
"No. Here," when he still seemed confused I continued, "My parents, mostly my mom, still lived here. On one of our periodical visits here, I left it there."
Our eyes locked and held after that statement, and though I couldn't read his expression I thought it moved him somewhat but wasn't particularly sure. Unable to hold his gaze, I turned away from him and wrapped my arms tightly around my midriff.
"Which brings me to my next question. Why aren't you living in that house? Why do you live in Hunter's Chase?"
I felt the same way I felt when I beleaguered him with all those words that left a permanent mark on his heart.
"...Isn't it obvious?" I asked, staring straight ahead from me.
"I can't think of anything."
How couldn't he? It was obvious. All the ingredients for such a potion were right there. How could he not even suspect?
I furled my lips, empty of anymore tears to cry. Furling my lips, I thought of all the possible ways to tell him something that I was certain would chase him out of my life forever. I could no longer avoid the subject, and lying was definitely not an option.
"I guess you could say I was selfish and weak," bracing myself, I continued, "And...I turned to substance abuse."