Some Day One Day

18

"So Beyonce how have you been?" Ojay asked conversationally and I nearly flinched when he called my name because I was afraid that my thoughts could be seen and heard. It was then that I felt Shawn's eyes on the side of my face and at that moment I desperately wanted to slide underneath the table and hide there.
He was making me so nervous that it wasn't funny. Maybe it's because I'd been entertaining thoughts of him far more than usual, and the thoughts I harbored had been fond ones lately. It was like having daydreams of a guy who you knew didn't like you. So every time you faced him and he was looking at you, it was almost like he was looking at those very thoughts you'd been having in the privacy of your own space.
It was mortifying to say the least and I felt ashamed and guilty for some reason.
"Damn girl you look like you just saw a ghost." Ojay said with a laugh as he opened up his menu.
"Thanks Ojay," I said sardonically with a faint frown, "I've been good and you?"
"I been straight." Ojay answered, reading his menu. I soon felt Shawn's eyes slip away from me slowly. It was awkward not speaking to him or acknowledging him, especially when he sat right next to me. But I feared that if I did in fact speak to him, my head would be bitten off my shark-like fangs.
I didn't want to get on his bad side because I didn't want to deal with it.
The table grew to an increasingly quiet pitch that began to hurt my ears.
"Poor Shawn. No one asked you how you're doing. How are you Shawn?" Angie said with a playful pout and I felt Shawn shake as he laughed.
"I been good ma. You?"
"Oh my gosh Ojay he called me 'ma' the way he used to when we were little." Angie cooed and they all laughed. I could only smile because my mind was still in disarray of Shawn's closeness.
"I can't believe this heifer didn't show up." Angie said peevishly, looking around the restaurant.
"What heifer?" Ojay asked and I would've laughed at the way he said the word 'heifer' so regularly like he was so used to hearing Angie use that word, if I wasn't so damn nervous.
"The wedding planner!" she exclaimed, looking down at her wrist watch, "It's been thirty minutes. That bitch."
"Those are some harsh words there honey." Ojay said, not at all surprised by her blasphemous choice of language.
"Yeah. Why she got to be a bitch?" Shawn asked and my ears trembled at the deep sound of his voice. It had been nearly three weeks since I'd seen or heard him. Seeing him when I had least expected it wasn't making any of this easy for me at all.
He was shifting as he leaned back against the booth. His arm brushed against mine, sending electric sparks through my body that made me shiver.
This time he didn't apologize.
"She just is." Angie said with an apathetic shrug as if that was the simplest logic in the world.
"What's her name again?" Ojay asked, looking over his menu.
"Cathy Lambert." Angie said and my chin nearly hit the tabletop when I gasped.
"What?" she asked me.
Before I could even think of what I was about to say, I blundered softly, "That lady is a bitch."
I remembered her from my past and I didn't hold very fond memories of her.
Angie started laughing but Ojay shook his head dismally.
"How you gonna call her a bitch too? You know her?" he asked me but Angie answered on my behalf.
"Yeah she knows her. That was Beyonce's wedding planner for her wedding." Angie answered casually on my behalf before looking down at her menu, thus making her oblivious to the sudden tension I felt rising like smoke throughout the table.
It didn't help when Ojay shot a knowing glance in Shawn's direction before quickly shifting down to his menu.
I wanted to pick up my butter knife and teach Angie a lesson with it for bringing that up.
"Oh. Her." Ojay said dryly
All the while Shawn remained pin drop silent. He made no movements either to show that Angie's words might have affected him. Maybe he truly didn't care like I thought. I tried to convince myself that it was better that way.
The table resorted to silence and in that period of time we were all studying our menus. Nothing on the brochure in front of me made any sense because it was all written in Thai. The descriptions of the entries beneath their names didn't help much either even though they were written in English because the spices and ingredients they claimed to use were things I had never heard of. It reminded me of the times when I was young and my family and I would make trips to those posh restaurants. I never had to look at the menu because my mother always ordered for me since she knew me so well. Sometimes if it was just my father and I, I would pick the most expensive thing all for the sake of extravagance and believing that my services were being carried out to their utmost.
Although Angie had offered to pay for me, looking at the prices still gave me a severe headache. Feeling embarrassed and a little bit challenged since I couldn't understand it, I placed the menu down. As I did so, I realized that Shawn had been looking at me the entire time. My cheeks grew hot at the realization.
I wanted to scream and ask him what he was looking at but I didn't have the guts to.
"Aye," I heard him mumble softly and daringly looked at him. A million and one questions raced through my mind. How was my hair? Oh god, I had no make up on. I nearly turned away from the embarrassment of him seeing me so closely like this until he spoke first.
"You done with that?" he asked, pointing at the menu, his dark eyes looking at me squarely. At that moment I remembered that he'd pompously declined a menu, which left him with none right now.
I was trying desperately hard not to behave like a damsel in distress and fall into the trap of his dark eyes but it was hard, especially when he sat so treacherously near.
Only the Lord and his mighty ways knew how I was able to nod—but it was a jerky nod. The type one used when stepping out of a trance.
His eyes dropped to my lips when he asked me the next question and I found myself wishing I'd bought that nice lip-gloss from Victoria's Secret instead of buying the cheap one to save money.
"Yes." I said in a voice so soft that I wanted to strangle myself for sounding so weak. I was starting to realize that I hated to speak when he was around me in fears that I would sound so damn foolish and off centered. I guess my fears were taking form.
Shawn finally tore his eyes away from my lips and looked passed me.
"Can you hand it to me please." He said, rather than asked remotely.
I realized with embarrassment that the only way he could reach the menu was if he stretched his arm across my front. Somehow managing to function, I handed him the menu, which I'd placed on the far left of me. After handing it to him, I focused down on my plate at my neglected crab angel and started picking meagerly at it with my dinner fork.
"Shawn have some." Angie offered the plate of appetizers to him.
"Nah I'm straight." Shawn demurred, focusing on the menu.
After a while, our waiter returned, introduced himself, and asked Ojay and Shawn what they wanted to drink before asking all four of us if we were ready to order. After Ojay and Shawn gave him their order of drinks, Shawn a beer and Ojay the same, both Shawn and Angie told the waiter they weren't while I remained quiet.
"Aye, aye hold up, hold up, hold up. Damn. Niggas always rushing folks."
The porcelain skinned man's face turned pink at Ojay's choice of words and I shook my head at him and his waylaid manners.
"I'm ready." Ojay announced he changed his way of speaking when he turned to the waiter.
"Okay, what will you be having sir?" the man asked him.
"I'm having the Nam Tok Beef." Ojay said confidently, handing the waiter his menu and looking at all of us proudly as if he was supposed to be a perfect example of how to order a meal. I almost rolled my eyes at him while Shawn and Angie told them that they weren't ready to order. I remained mute and as dead as a doormat.
"Okay I'll give you all some time to order." The waiter soon left.
"So what will you be getting." I heard Shawn say from my right and continued to break my crab angel with my fork.
When I heard no one answer, I looked up and nearly jumped out of my skin because all eyes were pasted on me except Angie's who kept on looking at her menu. Ojay was smirking meanly and when I nervously turned to Shawn, he was staring at me with a snide glint in his eyes that anyone who didn't know him better would pass up as impassiveness.
Of course I didn't know what was on the menu, and I was too proud to ask. I'd have asked Angie if Shawn wasn't here right now and the way Ojay looked at me wasn't helping either.
I also thought it was suspicious that he was suddenly speaking to me as if he truly cared what I was getting. Maybe I was overreacting. I needed to just calm down. It was a simple question that deserved a simple answer.
"Nothing," I murmured with more asperity than intended due to my incompetence and kept my voice lighter when I continued, "I'm not really hungry."
Ojay looked at Shawn with a wider simper before furling his lips and disbelieving eyes. Then he made a light shrug of his shoulders before leaning closer to Angie and looking over her shoulder at the menu, offering her suggestions.
That uncanny son of a...
I kept my face on my plate, truly at a loss of appetite despite not eating all day. This time I hadn't eat because of lack of money but simply because I hadn't had the time. Although working in the kitchen meant more food, one always moved to and fro, never having time to stop and take a snack.
"Maybe you should try the Yum Woon Sen." I heard Shawn say next and accommodated him with unintended shyness.
"The what?" I asked, clearly giving away that I couldn't decipher the menu and by the way he smirked I could tell that he knew. My face grew ten times hotter in degree.
"It's basically just shrimp with some vegetables and noodles." He explained, his eyes suddenly dropping to my lips for a moment before returning to my eyes.
"Oh." I said while turning away from him. I'm not sure how I was able to appear so composed on the outside when my heart played like bongo drums inside of me. My lungs were whizzing for breath and I hoped that it didn't show on my chest.
"Or you could try the..."
Shawn started explaining to me what was all on the menu which he'd thankfully opened up because I could look at it, using it as an excuse not to look at him directly in the eye. I couldn't understand the feel of jubilance and a strange fear that I couldn't understand.
Maybe it's because for four years I'd wished to have him sit beside me like this, to hear his voice so close to me that I felt my skin vibrate from the deepness of it. And the warmth...maybe because I could feel the warmth of him...
After he explained a few of the dinner entrees, I nodded and continued to look at the menu over his shoulder.
When he'd stopped talking, I was given room to realize that the table got too quiet and Shawn seemed to realize it at the same time. When we both looked up, Angie and Ojay were staring at us; Ojay with suspicion and Angie with an amused smirk.
"Here you can look over it." Shawn slid the menu front of me and it was only when he shifted to a slouched position on the booth, shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at the other tables of the restaurant that I realized my shoulder had been resting snugly against his faintly.
My arm burned after his movement.
"Thank you." I said hoarsely, scooting further down the booth until my arm pressed firmly against the wall.
We made our orders and as we awaited the food to return, Angie and Ojay babbled on and on—Angie mostly—while Shawn and I listened; Shawn commenting moreso than I. I was too busy feeling conflicted and couldn't understand why I was making such a big deal about everything.
The food was luxuriant and the service was impeccable all throughout dinner. Eventually my nervousness melted away slowly and I found myself enjoying myself for the most part despite the knowledge that Shawn was sitting there next to me. I wondered what he was thinking, if he was even thinking about me, but by the way he engaged in conversation with both Ojay and Angie with so much ease told me that he wasn't bothered like I was and a thought of me wasn't even crossing his mind.
I told myself that that was exactly what I wanted—for him not to worry about me.
We were all laughing at a story Ojay and Angie were reciting about an incident that occurred a few weeks ago. Both of them had different lines to the story because they were basically defending their actions over the others. Once the joke was over we all sat in comfortable silence. When Angie was asking the waiter to cater to her the entire wine bottle, She suddenly started laughing.
"Ah man! I just remembered something."
"What?" Ojay and Shawn asked synonymously.
"Do ya'll remember the time Shawn got drunk?"
A chill went down my spine and I reflexively turned to Shawn in shock. I remember that when we were younger, Shawn had only gotten drunk once around me. He was a relatively responsible guy so it was a moment that one couldn't forget.
For me especially.
"Huh?" Shawn seemed genuinely surprised and Ojay glanced over at him.
"When? This nigga stays getting drunk whenever we hit the club." Ojay accused and I tried not to choke on the sip of wine I'd just taken. The image of Shawn in the club was a painful one.
"No no no," Angie shook her head adamantly, "I'm talking about that one time in highschool. A few weeks right before prom. Remember Ojay we were at Preston's place—"
"Oh shit," Ojay nodded, a slow smile of enlightenment lifting his lips, "I remember that. Ah hell, that was too funny."
I remembered it too—vividly. My cheeks grew fiercely hot at the recollection and in an attempt to calm myself down I took a generous gulp of my wine.
"What are ya'll talking about?" Shawn asked even though I could tell that beneath that innocuous tone he knew what they were talking about. We used to talk about that incident all the time and in his own words, he had said 'that's something I will never forget'.
"Beyonce you remember it?" Angie asked me, her eyes teary from heavy laughter.
"Uh..." I injected my fork into a saucy smothered shrimp, "I think so."
I was lying out of my ass. I remembered every detail about that night.
"Ya'll know how Shawn used to try and act like a saint, man when he was drunk the beast of him just came out. He was just straight wildin' out yo!"
The beast had certainly come out that night a fleeting thought crossed my mind and I immediately scolded myself for having such thoughts.
Folding one arm on the table, Ojay agreed while forking his food with the other.
"Yeah. Cussin' people out and shit." Ojay said while smiling smugly to his friend.
"That was so funny cause I wasn't used to seeing Shawn act so crazy." Angie said.
"I honestly don't know what ya'll are talking about." Shawn insisted in a low, uncomfortable murmur.
Liar I thought to myself.
"Yeah right Shawn. Beyonce had to drive your ass home because you were so pissy drunk."
If God wanted to take me that day, I would've gone with him willingly. Embarrassment was an understatement for what I felt now.
I was mollified. The way Shawn tensed before shifting agitatedly, I knew he remembered that night as distinctly as I did.
Angie and Ojay didn't know what happened that night when I took him home.
It was one of what I like to call our dirty little secrets.
Let's just say the night wasn't a dull one in any type of way. By the time I had to go my voice was hoarse from screaming at the top of my lungs and I could barely walk. Shawn ended up with a slew of broken skin from my clawing Nails on his shoulders, arms, and upper back.
My damn, the number of places we terrorized that night. Especially the backseat was a winner, but it wasn't the only place. We'd been daring enough to experiment with the staircase too. Me being a little bit tipsy too I wasn't in my right mind and consented with the carnal behavior in his bedroom.
We got into so much trouble for making so much noise that night—much more than we bargained for.
When Shawn and I all but smiled at what Angie brought up, her laughing came to a slow stop.
"Ooooookay honey why are we the only ones laughing?" Angie asked Ojay who only laughed.
"I have no idea."
Soon, the waiter returned asking us if we were ready for dessert. Only Ojay and Angie wanted some. He brought the dessert with the check and I was naturally nervous but not voicing my opinions about it, seeing that I was turning a new leaf and trying not to be so fickle about everything.
"You whore." She reproached to me when their desserts were brought.
"What?" I asked in puzzlement at her sudden name calling.
"Why don't you want dessert? Are you trying to make me get fat on my own?" she spooned her ice cream into her mouth.
"No no no," I denied with a soft laugh, "I'm already pretty full."
"And you Shawn," she nodded towards him, "What's your pathetic excuse?"
I lowered my eyes at Angie for her crude choice of words.
"Same as hers." He said dismissively and for some reason that made me feel dejected. Him regarding me as 'her' seemed so impersonal and indifferent.
"Yeah, yeah whatever. Ya'll still act like twins I see." Angie said negligently while licking her spoon. Shawn's jaw bunched and he avoided her by slinging his gaze to his right where the other tables were. I could feel the friction of his thigh as it shook faintly. Just like old times, Angie was annoying him and he was tolerating it.
Ojay was too engrossed with his dessert like it was the newest lover to walk into his life to give a care what we were talking about.
Shawn and I both watched as the two gobbled down on their dessert. Anytime Angie with her messy self had some icecream on the corner of her lip or chin, Ojay would lick it off with a smile before placing a gentle kiss on her words and telling her something just as gentle.
Sighing heavily, I focused on the burning candlelight at the center of the table and could've sworn I felt it burning in my heart. It was burning the hole of my void to a more voluminous interval and I grimaced at the pain.
"Hmmm, this scenario reminds me of something." Angie said spontaneously. Lately whenever she said something along the lines of 'remind' or 'remember' it didn't mean anything good.
"What?" Ojay asked, pushing his plate away from himself and leaning backwards with a satiated smile on his face while patting his stomach.
"Prom night." She said with a smile as sneaky as the devil's own, making Ojay's smile waver and look up from his dessert in a slow motion and also eliciting a quiet sigh from an irritated Shawn.
I'd frozen and frowned at her, wondering why she had to fuck up a good moment all the time with her random ways.
"Well I think I'm ready to leave," Ojay saved the bell in a resonant voice that quelled Angie down, "Are ya'll?"
A chorus of 'yes's went around the table.
"What are you about to do?" Shawn asked in his deep, raspy sound of a voice. It was clear that he would never ask me what I wanted to do and in a way I was glad he didn't because I would clam up and not have an appropriate answer.
"Well I still want to go hang out with Beyonce." Angie said promptly even though I didn't know anything about this.
"Where ya'll goin'?" Ojay asked casually while leaning to one side to fish for his wallet. .
"We're just going out to have fun...damn. Now I can't be going anywhere without telling you?" Angie asked teasingly while wrapping her arms around his and looking at him with so much adoration that my heart ached.
"Don't start with me girl." Ojay warned playfully smiling down at her before kissing her.
While they The other end of the table was tension-inspired and eye contact-deprived.
After Ojay somehow ending up with the bill and Shawn adamant on paying his own, we all left. Ojay and Angie were ahead of us, barely able to walk with their playfulness and touchiness, while Shawn and I were close behind, trudging separately like the opposite ended lives we shared.
Eventually we were all standing where Ojay and Shawn had parked.
"So ya'll hanging out?" Ojay asked for confirmation, his arms around Angie while he looked my way for answers. I nodded despite myself.
"What are you gonna do?" Angie asked, her neck rolled backwards to get a good look at Ojay.
"I don't know. Probably stop by John's or somethin'," Ojay looked in Shawn's direction, "You down?"
"Yeah I guess." Shawn mumbled.
Finally Angie and I bade them goodbye. My heart ached against my own will as we treaded to my car. I felt like something wasn't finished, and although I knew what, I made sure not to acknowledge it because it would be as abortive as a fan blowing smoke that had just risen.
"Okay so there's this new club on Folksflore." Angie began once we started wheeling out of Surin and I made sure she saw that I thought she'd lost her mind. She kept her face averted as she fished through her purse.
"No." I answered curtly, facing the road again. When from the corner of my eyes I saw her eye me pleadingly, I sucked my teeth in vexation at her.
"Are you serious? You're getting married anyway. You shouldn't be going to clubs. What do you need to go clubs for?"
"Oh hush it Beyonce. It ain' like we're going to do anything...okay at least it ain like I'm going to do anything that I shouldn't. I can't say the same about you."
When I shot her a look that said I wasn't messing around, she sighed petulantly.
"And anyway, you should start going out again Beyonce. You look like your old self now you know. Don't think I don't be seeing you actually going to the supermarket nowadays."
"Angie. We're not going to argue about this. I'm taking you home." I told her with brusque finality.
"Man Beyonce! Please!"
"Go with your other friends." I suggested in a gripe.
"I wanna go with you. We haven't had a girl's night out in a long time." She reasoned.
"Yeah and look at what happens everytime we try." I fumed, a little bit surprised by my sudden outburst.
I felt Angie's astonished quiet gaze on me for a while.
"What do you mean?" she finally asked
"Why was he there? Why do you keep doing this?"
"Doing what? Beyonce hush. You're just paranoid—"
"I'm not paranoid Angie I just dont want to see him!" I fulminated, "I can't handle it when I see him!"
Angie was quiet for a moment.
"What did he do to you?" it was a simple question, but the way she said it was meant to provoke.
I was too shocked to speak, and surprised further when Angie progressed on.
"I'm not trying to revisit the past and if I do I don't do it out of malice. But you guys never even talk about it anyway, which is only making the situation worse. A situation which you claim you've gotten over but I obviously don't believe you. Tell me Bey, how long are ya'll gonna act like nothing happened?"
We came to a red light right when Angie railed me and I shot her a shocked look. For a long time I couldn't say anything because of the offense I'd taken to her choleric words. Especially calling me the nickname Shawn had created for me—it just made me more of the grouch that I was.
"Sorry." She apologized guiltily as she looked away.
"Yeah, whatever," I countered waspishly and faced the congested road in disconsolation and starting the car when the light changed, "I'm still the big bad wolf huh? Why for the life of me I thought coming back home would make me get over it I can't understand."
"Beyonce, I'm sorry, I just don't like seeing you the way you are. And I know it's tearing you apart."
"I don't want to talk about it." I seethed and to my fortune Angie took heed.
Traffic was crazy that evening so we had to sit there for long awkward pauses of silence. I'd put the radio on to drown out some of the tension, but I began to feel bad for snapping at Angie the way I did. I realized my true frustrations lay with how everything had changed so drastically between Shawn and I and how I was the soul recipient of the cause.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you like that Angie. It's just that..." against my control, my eyes got misty and I large lump soared to my throat, making it hard for me to speak.
"It's okay." She said in an uncharacteristically gloomy tone that made me upset for causing it.
Sighing heavily, I gripped the wheel in resignation of what I was about to do and rested my head on the headrest while blinking away the frustration wetting my eyes.
"So um...where's this club?" I asked with faux cheeriness and merriment.
Angie squealed and tried to hug me even as I drove.
"I knew you loved me!" she chirped after letting go with a laugh and I rolled my eyes at her with a faint smile on my face.
While driving with Angie's direction, I mentally came to the decision that maybe going out was what I needed to do.
Staying pent up in a cramped apartment and thinking at a constant of how much I disliked my life wasn't helping.
Maybe going to the club would.
The club was almost rocking with all the action I could tell was taking place inside it when Angie and I made our way to the entrance. I hadn't even made my way inside and got a guy asking me for my phone number. While Angie grinned on my behalf, I couldn't help but feel flattered—and give him the wrong number.
The smell immediately changed once we were on the inside, and so did the scenery. It was swarming with bustling bodies and I tried as much as I could to keep up with Angie so that I wouldn't get lost in the cluster of people. It was dark with sporadic neon lights whooshing across the room like lazers and it smelled of sweat fused with alcohol and smoke and all of the above. It brought back memories of the binging days that I was very much not fond of.
Uppermost in my mind though was the fact that it being a Sunday I was appalled how many people were actually at the club, and the things they were partaking in certainly didn't coincide with it being the Lord's Day.
"Oh heeeeell nah!" I heard suddenly and looked ahead of me to find Angie facing Ojay. My eyebrows shot up in surprise at seeing him and Shawn. It didn't take long for me to figure out that us meeting here had been pure coincidence. It was so ironic that I nearly laughed.
"What are you doin' here?" Ojay asked her with a deep scowl, getting off of the wall he was posted on. Beside him was Shawn standing up against the wall while scanning the crowd and bobbing his head lightly to the music while he mouthed the words to the rap song playing. My heart skipped at how handsome he looked but I couldn't stare for too long because Angie's loud voice interrupted me.
"What am I doing here? What the hell are you doing here?" She yelled at him over the booming music, putting emphasis on the word 'you' as she dug into his chest with a stiff finger.
"I asked you first. I thought you said you and Beyonce were gonna hang out." Ojay said.
"Well I thought you said you and Shawn were going to John's place."
Ojay folded his arms staunchly despite the amusement that began to light his eyes, "So is this where you usually hang out at? Clubs? You here to pick up another man ain' you?"
Angie gaped at him, "Excuse me? You better stop. Why would I pick up another man when I have the one that I want. Now what I wanna know is what you're doing here. Rounding up hoes before your wedding date?"
Ojay smirked at her and at that moment I knew that they were up to their playing antiques. They trusted each other more than anyone I had ever known. There were very few moments when they ever doubted each other.
"Oh so that's what it is huh?" Angie gave him a menacing smirk of her own, leaning to him and saying confidentially, "I guess that means no punani for you until the wedding night huh? Just a reminder...that's three months from now."
Never had I seen Ojay's smile erase as quickly as it did then.
"The fuck?!" He exclaimed while Angie laughed victoriously at him, "Come here girl. I'm sorry. You know I was just playin' with you baby. We really were gonna see John but he told us to meet him here. Baby come back-Where you goin'?"
Angie fled away from his grasping hand and in no time they had heedlessly left Shawn and I alone and gone to enjoy themselves like they were still the happy-go-lucky teenagers they'd been.
"They still haven't changed." I said to myself with a sigh, folding my arms and mindlessly leaned against the wall.
"Yeah. Someone has though."
I heard from beside me and looked up at Shawn who was still looking at the crowd, no longer bobbing his head. It wouldn't have to take a scientist to know what his indication meant. The vastly moving lights from the disco ball flashed his face light and dark. It reminded me of New Years when we were at Time's Square watching the wonderful myriad of fireworks. I swallowed hard and was about to look away until he turned to me.
Though the hat was attractively low over his face, I could see his eyes—I could see them with my eyes closed if I wanted to.
My cowardice of him should've made me look away but for a reason unbeknownst to me our eyes held and locked, but his eyes remained as guarded as the tall walls similar to those ancient civilizations that didn't want intruders to trespass.
Slowly, Shawn tore his eyes away from mine and I sighed with chagrin. At that same time a waitress balancing a tray of shot glasses was walking by. Upon impulse, I pilfered one from her when she stopped by us and was immediately acute by the way she continued to smile demurely towards my right. It was no surprise who had her undivided attention and at that moment a strong, unexplainable emotion struck me from the way he returned her smile with a smirk while declining a drink from her. He didn't hesitate to turn his head and tilt it lower to watch her departing figure.
An unexplainable sense of fury made me down the contents from the shot glass in one go.
"Keisha!" I heard suddenly before I could try to make sense of why I felt the way I felt, only to realize that the source of sound came a few ways ahead of me.
A man was grabbing a shorter woman's upper arm, thus grasping her undivided attention. The girl grimaced like she'd been caught with her hand in the jar and the guy who she'd been dancing with stepped up to the one who'd stopped her.
"The fuck you doin'?" he got a hold of the girl's wrist, "I know you saw me with her."
The man who'd stopped her stepped up to the other fiercely. The other man who had wanted to claim her backed up cowardly, but still tried to stand his ground.

"Julius stop!" the girl said, placing a halting hand on the chest of the one who'd stopped her.
"Let go of my sis before I fuck you up," He warned in a thunderous tone before adding.
I could tell the other man was intimidated despite the deep scowl on his face.
"Man, whateva." The guy said while backing up and blending in with the rave going on on the dance floor.
The girl's brother whipped around to her as she lowered her head in shame with her arms crossed protectively around her.
"Have you lost you're got damn mind?!" he screamed at her and all the girl did was roll her eyes heavenward when he continued tongue-lashing at her.
"Are you even listening to me?!" he said while grabbing her shoulders and shaking her. The girl shook his arms off of her and stepped back.
"You don't have to fucking scream at me! why you always up in my business Julius I'm not a child anymore—"
"A sixteen fucking year old shouldn't be in the club—"
"Man whatever. You and your stalker ass need to leave me the fuck alone and worry about yourself. Don't worry about what I was doing."
"Iight when I tell mom you was bent over in front of some nigga humping away at you what you finna say then?"
I found myself smiling amusedly at the sight in front of me and was shaking my head until I heard a scoff.
"This place is full of hotheads tonight."
My smile instantly dropped and I turned, surprised to find Shawn still standing there beside me. I thought he'd left a long time ago to follow the woman's behind that had his riveting attention.
Folding one arm with the shot glass still in my hand, I leaned against the wall while looking at the brother and sister argue with one another.
"How's your sister." I asked him plainly. I'd been meaning to ask about her, but after the way he lashed out at me that day I paid him an unexpected visit, I'd refrained. Guiltiness also caused me not to think of her much and fear that he would magnify the guilt I felt if I asked scared me away from asking him.
When he said nothing, I turned to him to catch a muscle working along his jaw and sighed dismally. I couldn't say one word without him getting upset about it. I was readying myself to apologize until he preceded me.
"You'd have known if you stuck around." He answered curtly and I froze at his harsh words.
Biting my lip at the sting of pain that went through me, I turned away from him.
"She's good. She's at home." I heard him say with brevity after a while of silence.
While watching a couple dance in a way that should've remained behind closed doors, I asked, "You should've brought her out."
The next thing I heard was a humorless laugh.
"Yeah you're right. Next time you feel like seeing her lemme know and I'll tell her to fly up." He said with harsh sarcasm with a simper just as sarcastic and choleric.
Feeling pent up frustration continue to proliferate in my chest, I sighed, trying my earnest not to roll my eyes. Instead, I turned away from him and continued to watch the writhing dance floor.
I hesitated a moment, but I felt that I had to ask. I'd been too afraid to ask before, and I'd already dipped my toe in forbidden waters, I figure I might as well take a deep plunge and suffer the consequences of harsh words.
"So she's back in Barbados?" I asked.
When Shawn didn't answer, I turned to him and still staring straight ahead of him, he gave me a slight nod.
I stared at Shawn for a long time, a million and one questions swarming through my mind.
"So why are you still here?"
Shawn's features twisted before he snapped his head in my direction and I wondered if my question had been too forward. He was stared at me inscrutably before turning to the crowd once again.
"I had shit to take care of." He murmured coldly and I was just about to turn away before he spoke again.
"Besides," he turned to me and continued while sliding his eyes down my frame and back up, "If left I would have been doing you the favor of making things easier."
More the fool, my mouth opened but no sound emitted. He might as well just backhand me for the words he was spitting like venom at me.
Deeply hurt, I faltered and turned away from him.
"When is she coming back." I asked gravely, still making sure my voice was voluminous but keeping the hopefulness in it hidden.
"I don't know. Soon." Was Shawn's perturbed, unsatisfying response.
I found myself hoping that I would get to see her some way. I was glad to hear of Marissa'sand condition, but the happiness was short lived because I wondered if Shawn would even give me permission to see her. Then again, Marissa was probably a woman now despite the childlike personality everyone else saw. I knew she could make her own decisions and I hoped Shawn allowed her to—if he wasn't still as overprotective as I'd left him.
"What about Jude? He's stayin' with her and..." I didn't bring up his mother because he and I both knew what had happened to her.
I heard a heavy sigh before he answered me distractedly, "With our grandmother."
"You found her?!" I exclaimed, turning away from the crowd to look at him. I remember the turmoil he and his family had gone through not being able to find any other part of their family after the way the hurricane dispersed and destroyed them. When he said nothing in response, I turned to find him looking at something with the interest in his eyes that a predator has when eyeing their intended prey.
Immediately, my gaze followed his, only for me to feel a pang of icy, cold unexpected jealously.
So that's why he'd kept his eye on the crowd. He wasn't watching the busy bodies dancing, but he was watching a specific woman all the while I tried to converse with him. I felt diminutive, disrespected and...unimportant.
A Hispanic woman who stood with her friends was smirking seductively at him. She then looked in my direction and her expression turned sour.
Then, to my surprise, the woman had the nerve to saunter her way over to him while I stood right there!
The closer she got, the more I could judge her appearance and immediately dismissed her as no competition. I dont know why i was comparing myself to her. I told myself I just knew that she wasn't Shawn's type. Her eyelashes were clamped together by heavily, overdone mascara. Her lips were smothered with too much red. Her hair was the long, lustrous type that men usually lusted after and a faultily dye of blond. I wondered if she'd been bonded into her pants because there was no possible way a mere button and zipper could hold her together-it was too unattractively tight. Her breasts were nearly spilling out of her sorry excuse for a stop.
Just pure trash. Not Shawn's type at all.
I shook my head pitifully at her, foreseeing Shawn kindly turning her down.
When she got right in front of us, she hitched her head in my direction like I was some cruddy left overs that didn't need any type of attention.
"You with her?" the woman asked with an unnerving boldness and my head jerked backwards at her abrupt rudeness.
Shawn looked in my direction with jaundiced eyes before turning back to the girl with a smirk while lifting his chin slightly.
"Nah," He said calmly before adding impersonally, "Just an old...acquaintance."
Never in my life had I felt so humiliated, and I'd been humiliated a bunch. The hurt that I felt was so unexpected that I felt slightly dizzy.
The girl then moistened her excessively glossed lips and leaned closer to him, resting her bust on Shawn's chest. His smirk widened as he was of course enjoying the attention she heralded him.
Swallowing with difficulty at the lump that rocketed to my throat, and feeling unbelievably hot for reasons unknown to me, I left before I could see or hear anything else. I made the mistake of weaving through the crowd because I soon felt someone grab my a rigid hold of my arm ceasingly. When I turned around to put a face to the person who'd stopped me, I was staring at a gleaming gold tooth before everything else came into focus.
"Aye shawty...wanna get yo freak on?" he asked while stepping towards me. immensely disgusted, I wretched my arm away from him with.
"No!" I shouted irately. I could've slapped him since I was at my wits end and I knew my aggravation originated more from something else than from him. To the guy's fortune, he let me go immediately and moved on to his next victim. Breathing heavily, I went in search for Angie to let her know that I wanted to leave this hell hole. When I realized in the densely parked dance floor that it wouldn't be so easy to find her, I tried calling but received no response.
I made the decision to leave, but headed for the bar to get a much needed drink first. I hoped it would calm me down from the insane irritation that made me uncomfortably hot and itchy. I wasn't even mindful that I was rubbing my hand along my left arm as I made my way over to the bar. The only stool available was in between a man and another but I figured since I wouldn't be there that long I didn't mind being bothered for a few minutes if they did decide to speak to me.
After taking my seat and ordering something light on the rocks, I found myself looking over where Shawn was previously posted. My mouth dropped when I found one hand resting on the woman's derrière. The woman's face was right beside his slightly inclined head and the indolent, mischievous smirk on his face told me that he was loving whatever was pouring out from her mouth.
"What you doin' here...cleaning?" I heard from beside me and whipped my head in the direction of sound, only to find that the man who'd been sitting beside me was Dreux. The question had seemed out of context until I actually saw him.
I was surprised to say the least. He looked really nice that night, especially in the casual clothing as opposed to the uniform he had to wear.
Smiling my first, true genuine smile of the day, I sucked my teeth at him with a playful roll of my eyes. My posture became a little bit more comfortable and I was no longer in a hurry to leave.
"What are you doin' here...cooking?" I teased and the easygoing smirk he gave me made me smile back despite the constant irritation that badgered me.
"Nah," he lifted his bottle of beer to his lips, "Just here cause my brother dragged me here."
"Strange. My cousin dragged me here too." As I said the words I looked over at the dancefloor in hopes to find Angie, only to come in contact with a striking, hard set of eyes.
They belonged to Shawn.
The sincere smile that Dreux had created was deadened once again.
The woman's arms were still wrapped around his shoulder and his hand was still where it had been on her rear end.
But the smirk had left his face and the warmth was replaced with coldness and confusion as he averted between Dreux's back and I.
The woman suddenly pulled away from him and I felt myself ready to sigh with relief until she grabbed a hold of his hand. Licking his lips as he slowly lifted his chin a notch with flared nostrils and thinly sealed lips, Shawn wrested his eyes away from me and willingly let the woman lead him to wherever she destined. Helplessly, I couldn't tear my eyes away from them and curiously, devastatingly followed their movements until they entered an alcove with the sign 'restrooms' posted up top.
Cold rancor scolded me and my lips parted as no sound came out when what I truly wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs. Compressing my lips tightly so that I wouldn't actually yell like the madwoman I felt myself to be, I turned to Dreux who was oblivious to what I was looking at because he was busy downing his beer. When he set his drink down, he turned to me and nodded.
"Let me buy you a drink Beyonce." He offered and I smiled kindly at him.
"No. That's fine. I just ordered one." I said while lifting the tumbler that the bartender had placed in front of me while I'd been too busy staring at Shawn.
"Oh yeah. Damn how the fuck am I gonna be up there at six tomorrow drinking like this." Dreux shook his head pitifully, speaking with much more ease than I was used to. I laughed derisively at him, still a little bit agitated because all I could do was envision what was probably taking place in the bathroom.
The thoughts made my skin crawl and my heart twist like the devil's hands were wringing it.
"I'm asking myself the same damn question." I answered while looking over my shoulder at the restrooms again.
Dreux and I had some idle talk for about fifteen minutes. Even though he was good company and naturally funny, I couldn't focus. My head kept on turning and my gut kept on roiling with nausea.
The umpteenth time that I looked over at the restrooms, to my dismay I saw the woman who'd led Shawn to the back come back out with Shawn close behind her holding the girl close in front of him with his hand on her abdomen. She suspiciously wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, making me recoil in repugnance and feel sick to my stomach. The satiated smirk on his face made my heart plunge to my feet and my heart swell with not only jealousy and pain but...repulsion.
If he'd just done what I presumed he did, I was appalled...and surprisingly hurt. Shawn would never do something like that. Not Shawn. Not the gentleman who as opposed to the disrespectful, uncanny, wild friends he'd surrounded himself with still maintained his respect for women and how to treat them. Not saying that he was a saint but he was definitely not the person that I was looking at now.
No. Not Shawn with morals.
No!
Shawn suddenly looked me dead in the eye and my heart stopped, making my catch my breath, only for my eyes to sting against my own wishes. My heart ached and my mouth went dry like the Sahara. He didn't seem at all affected as he looked away, leaned closer to the girl's ear and said something that had the girl grinning widely.
"You know him?"
Dreux's voice suddenly sliced into my thoughts, nearly making me jump out of the stool I occupied. The knowing look in his eyes told me he'd picked up on my habit of keeping an owl watch out for him. He didn't seem intrusive or offended by my lack of attention for him.
Anyone would've asked the same question with the way I was behaving.
Feeling hot all over with shame, I answered hoarsely,
"No..." I swallowed the bitter lump in my throat hard adding with unintended resentfullness, "I used to."