Some Day One Day

16

It took me a while to realize that a blanket covered me. When I moved my feet to sit upright, I saw that my shoes were no longer on my feet. The only explanation was that Shawn must have come in and put it on me. I didn't have much time to revel in that because the words that passed through these walls were shocking me beyond belief.
"So you think it's okay that this is the...I can't even count man. It has to be the hundredth job you've walked out on. You're telling me that you think that's okay?" a voice that I knew only as Shawn's said.
"Don't talk to me like that Shawn. I am your mother."
"You're right. You're my mother. I shouldn't have to talk to you like this, but what am I supposed to say when you tell me shit like that though?"
"I'm only three hundred dollars Shawn!"
"Only? We don't have money out of our asses like that anymore."
"Don't use that foul language around me."
And for what? What do you need to use this money for?"
"You can't question me like that."
"I'm not letting you buy more of that prescription anymore because it's got your head all fucked up."
Silence fell and so did my heart before it picked up and started thrashing against my ribcage. I stared straight ahead of me in wide eyed shock, wondering for the umpteenth time if this was only but a dream. I glanced at my watch just to see how long I'd been knocked out and found out that it had been for a staggering forty five minutes or so. That meant Shawn was almost leaving.
"Damn Ma, why do you keep doin' things like this? You were getting better. You were doing fine without him. How many times do I have to tell you that he's not coming back? What can I say to make you realize that he ain ever coming back—"
"Don't say that...he'll be back one day."
"See? See what the doctor was talking about? It's all this denial shit that's putting you in this position. For some got damn reason that's beyond me, you just can't accept things for what they are—"
"Because nothing is the way it's supposed to be Shawn!" his mother suddenly shrilled and I gasped a bit.
"I ain' about to have this conversation with you right now. Not right now Ma. Everyone else is asleep right now and I'm not tryna start anything. I don't wanna hear it and I don't want them to either—"
"Why can't you just try seeing things from my point of view? Shawn do you know how I feel? Do you know how it feels to loose someone who you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with? Hell, do you even know what it feels like to love someone?"
A still, quiet commenced.
"Shawn, when you find someone that you love, you believe in them. It's hard to let go. It's so hard for me to accept this."
"Iight Ma I understand that, but for now we got other things to worry about. Working at a garage and some factory aren't enough for all of us to live by. We can't keep sending Jude to Uncle Randolph to take care of him as if that's his child! We punished him long enough with all those years he kept Marissa there. It ain' right to make someone else deal with it—"
"I'm going to look for another job. I just didn't like that one."
"You said that last time, and the time before that."
Silence followed.
"We don't have a choice to pick and choose the jobs we like or not. You got to take what you can get. How are we gonna pay the bills? How are we supposed to pay for Marissa's heart condition? Who the hell is gonna pay for Jude to go to school huh? We're already late on last month's rent and the later we are the more we've got to pay. How the fuck am I gonna pay for it when I got to take care of all this shit and go to school too?"
"First of all, don't use that tone and language with me okay?"
After some eerie silence, I heard a deep, muffled, 'Sorry.' and even though it was said lowly I could hear it nonetheless. It led me to believe that the walls of this house were paper thin and fruitless. The slightest noises could be detected by the person with the poorest hearing. I guess this wasn't the type of place where you'd want to gossip about folks if they were in the next room because it seemed that even whispers were sure to be heard.
"I've never asked you for any money Shawn so don't hold me in contempt for that. It's just this one time...but seeing as you don't want to, don't bother. You don't have to pay these bills. You don't have to care about Marissa's medical condition. You don't have to worry about Jude. He's my son so he's my problem—"
"Problem?" a harsh laugh followed, "So he's a problem now? Are you serious? Tell me you ain' serious."
A long silence followed until finally broken.
"I didn't say that. You read too much into things. I just said you don't have to pay for anything anymore. Not the rent, not food, not even my prescriptions. Do whatever the hell you want with that money Shawn. It's yours."
"Iight then. That's all good, but tell me this...If I don't, then who will while I'm not doing it? You're obviously not going to. Who else Ma? Uncle Sam ain' here to help us no more. Grandma...we don't even know where the hell she is."
Silence followed for a while.
"He's not here to do any of those things for us anymore." the way Shawn emphasized the word 'he' led me to believe he was referring to someone of great significance.
"Stop saying that. We'll find him someday."
"I hate it when you say that," I heard Shawn grounding out, "Someday? Come on Ma...how definite is that? He's gone. I ain' finna beat around the bush no more, he's gone. We have to move on at some point. You have to."
Another long silence followed and I sat up slowly at the edge of his bed, clamping onto my gift for him with my fingers.
"We'll be fine."
I heard her say, a little bit stunned by the sudden change in her.
Another long silence followed.
"You can't take control of every situation Shawn. You can't help everybody. It's that same damn spirit your father had. You're not everyone's savior. That's why I'm saying you don't have to pay for all this stuff."
"What the fu—forget it. I got to get ready for work Ma. Let's just drop it." Shawn said, rather than asked but his mother was too determined to get her words in.
"This is what has set you behind in school! If you'd just took your place as a child you wouldn't have had to take a whole year off from highschool to work! Kids don't do that, but look at what has happened because of trying to help everyone but yourself. You're probably oldest one graduating in your grade—"
I was so surprised by her sudden change again that my mind spun.
"I can't believe you're still bringing this shit up. I'm not gonna talk about this shit right now," Shawn's voice was equivalent to that of rumbling thunder, "I ain' about to argue over shit we argue about over and over—"
"Don't you dare use that language with me. Don't think just cause you've become one of these disrespectful kids that you can use the language that they use—"
"Don't call me some fucking kid. How many kids give up their lives all because they're scared that their mother might be dying? How many kids you know do that? Tell me cuz I'm tired of being the only nigga doin' shit that everybody else ain' doin'."
It was still and painfully quiet for a long time.
My heart rocketed to my throat and I became rigid at the fervor in Shawn's voice. My heart pounded heavily in my chest.
"I ain' tryna fight with you right now Ma, iight? I'm leaving. I don't wanna argue with you in the state that you're in right now—"
"State? What's that supposed to mean?!" How voice grew so much louder that I flinched, "Don't walk out on me when I'm talking to you Corey—"
I was surprised she regarded him by his middle name.
"Iight then, fuck it! How the fuck can you say that I didn't have to do all those things? You think I liked not being in school when we got here?"
A silence so powerful tyrannized after that and my eyes widened in stark shock. I was frozen into immobility. I'd never heard Shawn that infuriated, his tone so angry in the months that I'd known him. And whenever he got mad, he usually went through what I called a silent rage. I'd never heard him like this before and I was a little bit glad that I couldn't see him because if his features matched his voice, it would be too dismal for me to look.
I hoped that the worst was over, but hopes don't come true to us that feasibly.
"Do you honestly think I liked watching other kids go to school while I worked my ass off only to get money enough to consider myself broke? What was I supposed to do Ma? You never did shit for two years...two years straight! If I didn't work then tell me Ma....who the fuck else was gonna put food on the table? Who was gonna try putting a roof over our heads? Who was gonna pay for your injuries? Huh? Tell me Ma who else was gonna at least try to get you some help?"
My eyes were large, lips slightly parted. I was aghast.
"I'm gone Ma." The sound closing of a door shook the walls of the house, and vibrated on the souls of my feet.
He stopped short when he got the door because the first thing he came in contact with were my eyes. His chest swelled, his jaw flinched, and a muscle in his chin twitched. He had changed into a black wifebeater and baggy dark blue jeans with black tennis shoes on his feet.
Our eyes held for such a long time, mine sad, his astonished before molding into apology and embarrassment. Then right before my very eyes, I saw him retreating from me. The clouds of smoke corrupted his dark brown eyes and in some strange way, I felt myself loosing my grip. I could feel him hanging on the edge.
As he looked elsewhere and strode further into the room, my heart thudded alarmingly, warning me that I was losing him because now I knew something he probably didn't want me to.
"Shawn." I said haltingly from where he stood by his chipped drawers. When he looked up at me, my heart fell due to the wall I clearly saw in them. I already saw the defensiveness; I saw the protection strongly beyond him.
When I cowed and said nothing, he shifted his gaze back to peg through his drawer.
"You're leaving with me in a five." Those were the clipped, final words that made my shoulders slump. It was clear as crystal that my night with Shawn ended here. Folding the jacket neatly, I placed it on one corner of the bed. I shopping bag from the floor along with my purse, slinging its strap over my shoulder before sliding into my shoes.
As we made our way through his door, I reflexively glanced at the shut door of his mother's, recollecting all that I'd heard all over again.
Shawn suddenly stopped me.
"Aye, you forgot something." He said when I turned around, he was handing me the jacket.
Wiping my perspired hands on my hips, I shifted nervously.
"It's yours." I told him with a tremulous smile and he shook his head immediately, an indication that he already knew my intentions. I wondered if he'd seen it when he came into the room to blanket me and rid me of my shoes.
"No it isn't." he rejected me in such a firm way that my heart twisted.
"I got it for you Shawn." I told him with a deep frown, knowing at precedent that my chances at him receiving my first gift to him willingly would be arduous.
"I don't want it." His said coldly, the lines of his face rigidly set while he obtruded the jacket to me.
He didn't even give it a secondary glance. And at the mall he'd ogled over it.
"Shawn—"
"Take it Beyonce. I don't have much time." He ordered in a tone he barely used with me.
"Why is it okay for you to get me stuff and not the other way around?"
"I just don't want it okay." He mumbled tightly instead of answering me.
"So you don't want me." I said softly and Shawn's nostrils flared.
"Don't try and twist the shit that I say Beyonce."
"That's what it sounds like to me."
"Take it," He affirmed but I still didn't budge, "Take it Beyonce I don't have that much time."
Immovably, I stared at him for an indeterminately long time and didn't say one word.
"Are you even listening to me?" he asked indignantly, his brows drawn together, his brown eyes shimmering intensely. He looked so good and I was tempted to tell him but the last time I did that to him he gave me this look that scared yet excited me all at one go.
Mutely, I shook my head in a 'no' gesture before pivoting on my shoes and leaving the bedroom. Shawn called after me warningly, but I ignored him, knowing that if I continued to face him he'd relentlessly force me to take the jacket back. On my way out, with Shawn hot on my heels, I bumped into a startled Marissa so unexpectedly that Shawn nearly bumped into me from behind.
"Beyonce?" her suspiciously sad features melted away into a bright smile, "What are you doing here?"
"Oh I just came to drop something off. Shawn and I are just about to leave though."
Marissa's face fell and she pouted, "Why?"
"I got to go to work and Beyonce has to go now." Shawn explained on my behalf.
"Why?" Marissa asked once again.
"She has some things to do." He said for lack of better words.
I was tempted to say that I actually didn't but I knew that now wasn't one of those playful times when I could test Shawn's patience. After what I heard today I was certain that I never wanted to get on his bad side.
Her features fell further, "You were going to leave not say goodbye?" she scowled a nary, here eyes downcast, "I hate—oops—sorry I said hate. Don't be mad." When she looked up again, her eyes shimmered with repentance.
"I'm not." Shawn said with sudden patience that galled me. Just a few minutes ago he was about to have my head for not taking my gift back.
"But I don't like it when you leave without saying goodbye." She told him with a faint frown.
"I know but you were asleep," he leaned forward and nudged her chin, "and I know how you like your sleep."
Though I couldn't see him since he stood behind me, I could hear the warmth in his voice.
"I was asleep until I heard you yelling like last time. It hurt my ears and Jude nearly woke up. Were you and Mommy sad again? Was it because of me again?"
I frowned deeply, hearing Shawn sigh deeply.
"Um...nah. Nah, It wasn't because of you." He said somberly.
Marissa lowered her eyes unconvincingly.
"It's never because of you. Remember that, iight?" Shawn said in placating tone that I swore up and down I would never hear him use with anyone else on this earth but Marissa. It was endearing to me in a sense.
Marissa consented in a nod before switching her gaze to me.
"Bye Beyonce. You'll come back tomorrow?" her eyes were so hopeful that I couldn't help but thwart all the plans I had for the following day at that time and spot.
"Yes. Of course I will girl. I'll come by with movies and we can watch them while having girl talk."
"Girl talk?" Marissa asked, wide eyed. I heard a wary grumble from behind, using it as motivation to keep going.
"Yeah, girl talk. I'll buy us some ice cream," her ice lit up in excitement when I sad the word of what I guessed was one of her favorite relishes, "And we'll talk about boys, and crushes, and kissing—"
"The hell you ain't. You ain' about to put all that foolishness up in her head." Shawn said defiantly while grabbing my hand and pulled me with him, enabling me to see his face now. Marissa cringed when he used the word hell, but Shawn was so hell-bent on leaving that he hadn't noticed it.
"Shawn?" Marissa called out and Shawn barely sustained a sigh before accommodating her.
"Yes pretty lady." He said with a tired sigh.
The corner of my lip lifted in a smile at the way he said it. He was so unintentionally cute sometimes.
"You forgot the goodbye hug." She said with a smile so sweet that even Shawn couldn't bridle returning it.
"My bad babygirl. I'm sorry." He apologized in such an uncharacteristic, commiserating tone that strangely turned me on even under the tensioned circumstances we were in. Letting go of my hand, Shawn hugged her and placed a kiss on her forehead.
When he finally stepped back, Marissa was grinning like the angel that she was.
The moment Shawn and I left the apartment, all the smiles that Marissa brought up were erased like a mask falling off of one's face. The tension we'd left in his room sprang back to life. We remained silent on our trip down the stairs, and I kept my eyes trained to my shoes as we walked.
The car ride imitated our walk down the stairs. No one said anything. I was further annoyed that his radio was off as usual. I tried calling Angie, knowing she was supposed to call me hours ago. When Angie said she was going to call someone she did it, so I found it a bit odd but thought nothing serious of it.
Shawn's gaze was set straight ahead and he made no attempts to speak to me, so I focused on the window and the buildings that whizzed right before my eyes.
Sighing heavily, I looked over at the hard lines on his slightly scowling face. Frowning at the sight, I decided to break the silence that was now becoming unbearable to me.
"Shawn, I swear if you keep doing that your face will stay like that permanently." I told him sadly.
He looked over at me in surprise and his forehead found more of the hard lines as his brows went up with question.
"Doing what?" he asked exhaustedly.
"Frowning"
A deep, amused sound issued from his throat as he turned his head back to the road.
"Maybe I got a reason to be frowning."
"You always do." And that he did. I knew now he had more than enough reasons to frown, even if I didn't understand all of them. I didn't even understand how but I still wanted nothing more than for him to smile. After the altercation I heard him having with his mother, I learned some things that made me ache for him.
I felt him glance over at me once more at my words before looking back at the road. After that, he said nothing and neither did I.
It was so strange to not talk about something that lingered in the air. I got the impression that he was embarrassed and angry that I might have heard it, and too proud to ask how much I'd in fact heard. But he lived in that apartment long enough to know that through those walls secrets were irrelevant.
We got to our place with me already having the knowledge that my parents were out for the night. This was only the second time Shawn was dropping me off at my house. 
He had asked me suspiciously if they would be there. It's like he already had this impression that my parents wouldn't like him—I hadn't told them about it yet, not even my sister.

"You okay?" I finally asked in regards to what had occurred last night.
"Yeah." He said with a bleak nod that I obviously didn't buy. There were still so many questions that popped in my mind in regards to that argument—especially the whole being behind in class thing.
"You're safe with me you know." I told him as I got my shopping bag with my writing material and purse together. I felt his gaze on me and turned to him. His eyes were questioning.
Leaning forward, I tilted my head to avoid contact with his fitted cap and kissed him gently.
"You're safe with me. All your secrets, anything...everything...you don't have to hide from me." Somehow someway my hand ended up on his neck. My fingertips trailed down his throat, down to the indented delta, right before feathering his collarbone.
Shawn eyed me for any signs of mendacity. When he found none, he grabbed my hand in his large, warm one and kissed me a kiss that was just as soft, but emotionally vocal as mine. A strange sensation took over me and I shivered, smiling tremulously at him.
Thinking that all was well, I wished him well at work and asked him if it was truly okay for me to come by the following day. Though his answer was yes, it wasn't believable. I made a note to ask him again tomorrow.
I was getting ready to leave when he handed me the jacket which had been on his lap. My movements ceased.
"Don't forget to take this with you." He said casually. At that point, I wanted to pull the strands out of my scalp in endless frustration.
"Okay." I said thinly. Pursing my lips thinly to prevent me from screaming at him, I ingested my words while taking the jacket from him. As Shawn started the car and put it in gear, I surfed through my purse until I came across a ten dollar bill.
"Here." I handed the money to him and Shawn looked at me inquisitively before staring at the money that always seemed to act like a barrier pensively.
"Fuck is this?" he wrested from the bill up to me.
I nearly hesitated from what I truly wanted to say since he had had such a bad evening, but another part of me opted that there was no better time than the present.
"You don't want nothin' from me, I don't want nothin' from you either. If you're gonna give me a ride, then I'm gonna pay you for gas."
Shawn stared at me, his head against the headrest, his chin slightly raised. I damned him for the strength and masculinity of his jaw and neck.
"Beyonce." He said in a spent tone that spoke volumes of his irritancies.
"Shawn." I handed it to him and he grasped my wrist to keep it stationed and away from him.
Our eyes locked and held for a long, all the while muscles working along his jaw.
I leaned closer to him until our lips were only but a breath away from each other's. My movements tore Shawn's strikingly dark eyes away from mine to my lips.
"How many people does it take to kiss?" I asked him lowly and he brought his eyes up to mine.
Before long, our lips met and complimented each other's softly at first. The hand that manacled my wrist incautiously found its way to the back of my head and drew my closer until the passionate kiss was deepened. It could have been seconds, hours, or eons when we Shawn finally pulled back and his head fell away from my stilling head.
"Hmm?" I asked the pending question with a quirked brow. Shawn sighed.
"Two." Shawn gruffly and I closed in to sip the moisture on his lip before pulling back once again.
"Same with relationships...all aspects of it."
Shawn turned away from me with an impatient grunt.
"Take your money Beyonce."
"Only if you keep the jacket." I pressed and he kissed his teeth before leaning to the further side of seat, resting his elbow on the opening of his window and pulling his cap lower over his face. He began chewing his inner lip thoughtfully and I shook my head.
"If this is gonna be you and only you, then I'm out."
Shawn snapped his head in my direction and I nodded.
"I was flying solo without you. I don't need to be doing it with you too." I told him firmly and he looked at me like I'd lost my mind. I thought I had to because lord and all his angels knew that I'd be back the very next day even if I ran off.
Subsequently, I stepped out of the car, shopping bag, purse, and jacket in hand. I walked down our walkway, waiting for the headlights of Shawn's car to disappear.
When I heard the sound of a door closing, my footsteps came to a stop. Slowly, I turned around to find Shawn staring at me with a slightly tilted head. One hand held the buckle of his belt as he studied me.
"Come here." He said with a nod and a little bit stunned, I hesitated a little before taking tentative steps at him. Shawn surprised me further when he too trudged to me and met me half way...
With a heart that throbbed in every part of my body, I couldn't help but smile at him when he was standing directly in front of me. Touching my chin with his thumb and lifting its base with furled fingers, he tipped it backwards before leaning towards me and...
The kiss he'd given me after that was one of acceptance. During the kiss, he'd taken my jacket from me and finally yielded it into his possessions.
Sometimes I wondered if he still owned the jacket. Other times I wondered if he'd burned it down with all the hate that he probably felt for me.
Meeting his family was something that still lingered to me up to this day because I learned a lot from it. That wasn't the first time one of those heart-wrenching encounters happened, and each time they did, a little bit more and more was revealed about Shawn and his life.
I was staring at my diary, reading the accounts of my life in story form when my phone shrilled throughout the house and brought me back to the real world. I could hear my neighbors very well and wished they were doing anything but arguing because what I heard now was something I didn't want to hear. A woman's wailings and swears coupled with a man's...let's not forget the constant banging against the wall. For a moment I thought they were in the adjoining room. The sounds made me grimace not only in loath but self-deprecation for not having male contact for so long. They were surely helping with all that noise they were making, I thought sarcastically with a sigh.
Shutting the diary along with all the memories that came with it, I disengaged myself out of my cross-legged position and winced when the stagnant blood finally started rushing through my veins, making me feel like needles were punishing me.
"Hello?" I answered with a tired sigh from the exhaustion of today's work and the thought of tomorrow's.
"Dinner. Sunday. Seven. Surin. Be there." Angie said before hanging up on me. Surin was this restaurant her and Ojay had been bragging about nonstop with the promise that they'd take me there one day.
Rolling my eyes with a shake of my head at her brusqueness, I hang up and went to bed, hoping and praying that I wouldn't think of Shawn that much.
If only wishes came true...