Some Day One Day

60

"Shawn stop it!" I chided, trying to ignore the tingling sensations swelling in my womb when he pressed himself against my behind. Although his hands were simply planted on my hips, that act alone was something that usually drove me crazy because what I imagined him doing standing behind me was so illicit I nearly got crippled by shame.

After Shawn had licked off all the champagne residues from my body, he'd taken me up to his room where I was shocked to find he'd already prepared a video camera. All that had been left for him to do was to press the 'record' button and we'd made one of our videos. At first it had been awkward, as it had been the first time I'd done it years ago. But soon Shawn's hands, mouth and manhood made me forget it was even there. And when I did remember that it was, the thought of it only aroused me.
"Nope. Sorry," Shawn's pragmatic tone was muffled by the moist, heady kisses he was trailing up the side of my neck, "You're too addictive. I'd be a damn fool to keep my hands off of you."
"Then please be a fool," I whined, weakly tilting my head the other way to give him access despite my acidic words, "I'm trying to read this thing."
"Can you read it later?"
"No," I wiggled against him but only caused more friction that made him groan hotly into my ear, "Stop it! This is important."
Finally he perched his chin on my shoulder, wrapping his arms tightly around my waist.
"What's so important?"
"This," I motioned the pamphlet in my hand, "I stopped by there today and picked it up."
Quietly, Shawn slipped the pamphlet out of my grasp and read out loud, "Coleshed University..."
I could've sworn I felt his heart jump against my back after he said the words.
"You thinking of going back to school?" there was a hopeful overtone in his voice.
I smiled wanly up at his astonished face and spoke wistfully, "Wishing is more like it."
"That would be real amazing you know. It'd be a good look for you."
My smile began to crack.
"What's wrong with the way I am now?"
He looked at me as though I was crazy for merely breathing that question, "Nothing. What's gotten into you?"
Suddenly ashamed for asking such a tasteless question I frowned, turning away from him so that he couldn't see the self-imposed disappointment I felt. It still reeked like an odor that could never be erased no matter how many times I washed and scrubbed.
"Nothing," I murmured softly before scoffing resignedly, "It was real foolish of me to think I could go ever go back. I could never afford tuition to save my life. And I don't think any college will be so accepting after the causes for my expulsion from my last college. I guess my fate resides in the hotel."
The depression that lived on within me from working at the hotel was something I seldom revealed to anyone. In fact, I hadn't told anybody because I knew that the reason I was there was a fault of my own. Not that I regretted the choices I had made so far, but that didn't stop me from hoping to do something better with myself.
Getting back together with Shawn had instilled me with so much hope that I'd become fictitious to some degree. With his love, which I adamantly branded as an extension of the self worth that I was working on, I had this idealistic notion that I could take on the world. I felt that nothing could stand in my way now from meeting my goal.
Only whenever I stepped back out into the world, I was reminded of its harshness in the form of reality. The mortgage loan officer continued to advise me to let go of the one asset that linked me to my deceased parents. The suspension from my bankruptcy was running up making creditors gear up to hound my ass for unpaid loans.
I felt like I was in a chamber, awaiting my oppressors to unleash the lethal gas for my shortcomings.
With all that on my shoulders, school seemed as far away a dream as one hoping to become president in a matter of one effortless day.
When a silence too painful followed, I turned to Shawn. It felt like whiplash when I found a frown curving his lips.
"Hey now," I beamed suddenly at him and shoved his shoulder playfully, "Don't give me that. I enjoy my job okay? I love the people I work with. I don't mind staying there for the rest of—"
"Bullshit."
"Excuse me?" the jab was so abrupt I jumped when he said it.
"Come again?" I urged when Shawn simply looked at me, that no-nonsense expression he had held whenever I recited the 'quitting' speech that had included modeling, and ballet, among trillion other opportunities.
"Don't give me that crap Beyonce." He grumbled with a sigh, shaking his head while rubbing his fingers in his eye.
"What crap? It's the truth." I countered defensively, getting nervous because Shawn and I hadn't been on bad grounds since before the night we got together except for trivial matters.
After glancing around, Shawn finally eyed me with a head cocked to one side.
"Beyonce, you mean to tell me after all the shit you've been through, you're still making excuses?" Shawn's question was quiet. It wasn't mocking, but it wasn't exactly congratulating either.
"Making excuses?" she asked him slowly, my eyes inquiring if he was sure he wanted to tread these waters. As if to answer, Shawn began to nod as he spoke with an all-knowing atmosphere about him.
"You're always searching for an easy way out, always searching for a cop out—"
"I can't believe you're saying this—"
"You're still scared of failing. Again. Which is the reason why you've quit every other thing you've done and settled for the easy way out."
Gaping at him, I could only stare in astonishment.
"Even if they're in their graves, you're still waiting for your parents to dictate your life for you Beyonce." He said softly and I felt like I'd been shot at.
"I can't believe you said that."
"Well then...believe it."
I turned to leave but Shawn caught a hold of my arm and drew me up short, "You need to let go of them."
"I have."
"Why do you react that way everytime I bring them up?"
I couldn't answer him.
"You can make something of yourself now if you want to."
"I can make something of myself? Are you implying that I'm nothing now?"
Shawn sucked his teeth and looked away,"Don't try to be cute. That ain' what I meant."
"You're being so rude—"
"You know what I meant. I meant you can do whatever it is you want to do, but only if you want to."
I felt the turbulence of rage within her augment, "You act as if you don't know what it's like not to have anything! I don't have anything okay?! I'm bankrupt. I'm toiling to pay off loans that I'll probably die before I even finish paying them off!"
Shawn visibly reacted in a deep cringe when I uttered the word 'die'.
"That's where looking for something better comes in. That's when striving for something better comes in, but this job has become your comfort zone Beyonce. It's made you accustomed to struggling. You think I never felt that way? Do you think there were days I didn't want to just say 'fuck it' because I thought this was the life given to me? You think I liked being behind in class, that I liked being the nigga who didn't have? It was so easy to accept those circumstances I was in, but I didn't. I fought that urge because I realized that there was something better out there, there had to be."
I stubbornly rolled my eyes with sarcasm, "Oh and how exactly did you know that?"
Cocking his head to one side like he was exhausted, Shawn spoke evenly, "Are you fucking blind?"
"Maybe—"
" When I met you, damn it...I knew there had to be something better than this fucked up world iight."
The words made my entire anatomy freeze as though she'd suddenly been hurled into below freezing water.
I then noticed that the reason for Shawn's temper wasn't out of anger, but out of love. The reason he glared at me wasn't because of fury, but he wanted what was best for me, and she knew it, but it was figuring out how to get out of the situation that scared me.
When I was sure he saw the tears forming in my eyes, Shawn drew me into his arms and tucked me beneath his head. I clutched at his work shirt, trying not to let my tears spill onto it.
"I just don't think I can pull it off Shawn. And I know if I don't start now I never will." I croaked. He held me tighter.
"You will. If I did, you can."
"I'm not as strong as you."
"Don't even go there."
"But I'm not!" I defied.
"When I look at you now babygirl, I see a reflection of who I used to be. And I made it out of there...I know you can do it."
"I don't have the means Shawn! I don't have the money."
"I'll help you."
My reaction could have been violent if Shawn didn't know me well enough to make his hold onto me so that I couldn't so much as flinch.
"Don't fight with me. You know you can't win...especially when it comes to me helping."
"I don't want your help. If I come out of this slump I want to do it by my own terms."
"I used to think the same way until I realized it was impossible. You need help babygirl, accept it."
We stood in silence for longer moments before Shawn added quietly, as if he didn't want me to hear.
"It begins with you quitting that job."
I threw my head back and glared up at him. Shawn's stare was unrelenting.
"I mean it," He pressed, "When you start going to school you're not going to have time for the job ma. I've seen you at it and it's too time consuming. If not quitting, part time, even though it's a hell of a job for part time. It's physically exhausting to you and if you plan to go back to college and be serious about it you might not be able to juggle the two. You could get another job, an easier job, while I help you through school."
Irritated from his wording, I tried to wriggle out of his hold until he appeased and let me go, and then took a step back as if he was scathing. His words were, at least.
"Shawn I would have to spend two and a half lifetimes trying to pay you back."
Muttering a curse word, Shawn run his hand over his face, "This is crazy."
"Yes it is. Which is why it's too unrealistic for me to do."
He gave me an exhausted look, "No, I meant how much you're acting just like I used to. Stubborn as hell. Independent. Proud as fuck. You need to lay off it babe. Unfortunately people like that don't make it far in life if they don't bend their stipulations sometimes. Trust me. I know."
"You say you had help, but you barely did!" I grasped at straws for reasons to make him understand, "You had a full four year scholarship—"
"Wanna know something?" Shawn cut me off in a voice that was so cool that I couldn't help but stop myself from speaking a mile a minute.
"What?"
"It wasn't enough. There were other things I needed to have, to do and it just didn't fit," folding his arms, he leaned against the bureau and gazed at the floor, "I got an anonymous scholarship. An additional large amount of money that pulled me through."
Almost in that instant I broke out into a nervous sweat and my heart began to pound in my ears.
"When I went to Ojay's dad thinking it was him, I didn't want to accept it because he'd already done too much. Plus, I didn't want Ojay to think our friendship was based on me trying to gain opportunities from him," Shawn chuckled softly, "Turns out it wasn't even him. Even though I held too many suspicions, I knew that Ojay's dad is an honest man. It's not like him to go through the backwoods to give someone something. I really didn't want to take that money though. But I needed it. It was tough. I had to swallow my pride and accept it if I wanted to move ahead and do the things I wanted to do."
The same way he had to swallow his pride and forgive me for all my past sins to him as hard at that was for him to do.
"Wow Shawn," I gulped hard, "That person was...was really generous."
"I know," he raised his head to overlook the living room, "Real talk? Whoever they are, they changed my life. It's not even about the money, it's just...why'd they pick me out of all the niggas bustin' they ass out there you know?"
A nervous tongue flicked over my lips and I shifted my weight from one leg before to the other.
"Sometimes, you know...I used to—" biting his lip pensively, Shawn suddenly shook his head, chortling in chagrin, "...nevermind. I'm starting to think like a mad man."
"No baby," I placed a concerned hand on his arm, "Tell me. You know you can tell me anything."
Having glanced down at me from my touch, Shawn eyed me searchingly before warming into a small, yet sad smile that I found to be heart-wrenchingly endearing.
"There are times when I used to think that it was him."
"Your father?" I clarified softly and he nodded, looking at the space beyond my shoulder. His eyes were fogged up like memories of his father clouded them.
" I know it sounds crazy, but I guess that's what I get for refusing to let go soon enough. Damn I miss him," he shook his head and sighed, "I miss them, but I'm glad they're resting. Glad this fucked up world is over for them."
She placed a comforting hand on his back and rubbed, "I'm glad they're finally at rest too...and together again."
The subject about parents was still sensitive to me for some reason. I hated to admit that Shawn was right, that I hadn't let go.
"Yeah. I still wonder who it was though." Shawn murmured more to himself than I,
Noticing that my hands were damp, I'd just began to run them from my waist down when I spotted Shawn acknowledging that from the corner of his eyes. My hands immediately dropped to my side and so did my head. I felt his eyes on me, and I knew he would hound me until I told him why I was behaving awkwardly, so I went ahead and told him.
"It was me."
Nervously, I didn't look up for a long while. When he didn't say anything or move so much as a muscle, I raised my eyes slowly to come into contact with his open surprise.
"I had kept some money from my grandparents in an account that I tried so hard never to touch. It was so hard,and at that time I didn't even understand why I kept it, but I did. I was close to using it when my money was gone around the same time when I had gone to stay with Ojay and Angie for a while when Lee had kicked me out. I heard Ojay telling Angie how you were going through some things and wouldn't accept anyone's help, so I applied for anonymity when I offered the scholarship. I knew you wouldn't take it if you knew it was me."
Shawn held my eyes for a considerably long time, all the while I tried to keep the tears I felt at bay. I wasn't even sure why I wanted to cry, maybe it was because I had always loved him so much and still did. I just hoped that he wouldn't get mad at me. I hoped he wouldn't get mad at me or think I was doing it out of sympathy or anything of that sort. I hoped this wouldn't ruin what we'd worked so hard to sustain.
I managed a weak apologetic smile. At that moment a quick tear slid down my eye. 
"If I couldn't go on, I wanted you to. The drugs were killing me, but your education was making you live so...I..."
Shawn simply stared at me in a shock that said he wondered how many more unbelievable things were set in store for us.
"I'm so sorry—I'm—" I was suddenly cut off when Shawn took hold of my hand and gently pulled me to him for a tight embrace. Immediately, I clung back.
"I was three seconds away from cussin' you out." I heard him say.
"I know." I pressed myself harder against him.
We stood in silence for a while before Shawn spoke.
"Thank you."though he said it quietly, I heard the undertone of emotion behind his voice. In a whisper that I wasn't too sure I was meant to hear, he murmured the words,
"Damn...I love you."
Like always, those words placed me in a state of nirvana.
When we finally pulled back with a kiss, Shawn told me to put my shoes on. When I asked him why, he told me he simply wanted to go for a ride with me. Happily, I had complied, ready to go sit under the stars beneath Brooklyn Bridge with him.
Only when we got to Brooklyn Bridge, we went right across it. We weren't going to our spot, and when I asked Shawn where we were headed, he didn't say. In due time the landmarks became familiar to me, and in that time my posture had become rigid and despaired. I don't know why I felt betrayed, but I did for a split second.
Shawn finally parked in front of the house that I grew up in, but I didn't acknowledge it. Instead, I stared straight ahead of me. Quietly, Shawn exited the car, rounded it and when he came to my side he opened it.
"Come out."
I didn't. I simply stared ahead of him, my arms folded stiffly beneath my chest.
I heard what I guessed were his arms resting on the roof of the car and from the corner of my eye saw him looking westward where I was looking.
"You thinking of running away? Again?"
I clumped my mouth shut.
I heard a heavy sigh and some shuffling, "Look at me."
I refused.
"You're not a kid anymore Beyonce, you grown. Mom and Dad ain here no more. You have to accept that shit, because without that you wont let go. Look at me," when I didn't heed, he added sternly, "Now."
Slowly, forcefully, I tore my eyes away from the lighted street and turned to Shawn. He was hunkered down at the wide open space of the door with a serious look on his face. He held out his hand to me and I looked at it reluctantly.
Knowing that he was right, I placed my shaky hand in his, which he clasped his fingers around firmly as though to let me know it was okay. Standing up, Shawn drew me out of the car slowly until I stood before him, with my head down. He then moved to stand behind me, and with his arms wrapped around my waist, he held me up against him. I felt his shaven cheek against my jaw up until his chin rested on my shoulder.
"Look at it." He urged softly. It might have been two seconds or two hours before I raised my blurry eyes to the house. Pain speared through me as I recalled all the happiness, all the pain, and all the joy that had kept that house up.
I could've asked why it hurt but I knew the answer. Because I avoided this issue for too long. Shawn bringing me here was only to shed light on that. I remembered the good days when I'd laugh and talk with my mother, or when I'd sit on my father's lap by the fire. When my sister and I had been close, I remember playing house or her sticking up for me in middle school against some bullying kids. Then I recalled the rift that had separated my sister and I over the years, wishing we had kept our ties much stronger. I remembered the heartbreak on my father's face that I had foolishly ignored due to my own troubles when he'd had his heart attack. Then I remembered the downfall of me and my mother's relationship due to all this, the fearful look on her face when I told her it was Shawn who I chose to spend the rest of my life with.
And throughout all that, I still loved them, and missed them, because they were my family—the only family that I had ever had.
Just as I felt myself weaken when waves of sorrow crushed through me, Shawn's arms moved from my waist up around my shoulder where he held me tightly.
"Now let go. It all ends here baby. Let go of that pain."
And I did that night, when Shawn allowed me to turn around and cry on his shoulder, when he allowed me to wail, when he allowed me to pity myself, up until there were no more tears remaining.
When I'd recuperated, and Shawn held me close, I clung onto him too. I didn't have to ask him how he knew this still got to me, I didn't have to ask him why, all I could do was appreciate him knowing without my having to tell him.
"Thank you." I whispered, allowing my last tears of pain from the past to fall.