Some Day One Day

29

I changed my mind.

..................................

I didn't realize how heavy the downpour of rain was until I was actually trying to drive through it. The sleek roads had caused the wheels of my car to veer so much that I pulled up under a nearby gas station's shed. Trying to relax my tensed, overwrought muscles, I eased my head onto the headrest and closed my eyes after killing off the engine.
My mind was still disarrayed, scattered and an inferno of all sorts.
What had just happened?
What had just nearly happened?
A kiss was just a kiss but not when it came to Shawn Carter. Kisses with him weren't just kisses. I lamented over what could've happened if our lips actually touched. What would have changed about this awkward space we were currently in?
I couldn't get those question out of my mind and neither could I shake off the feel of him so damn close to me. The last time he'd been that close to me was the time I'd shown up at his house unannounced, when he'd asked me why I'd come there and I'd told him because I still loved him...
Furling my hands atop the tattered leather of the steering wheel, I let my forehead rest on it, searching for plausible reasons that would keep me at ease.
It was probably just his sickness, his state of delirium. Shawn didn't know what he was doing. His mind wasn't right. He was always like that when he was bludgeoned with exhaustion.
Recognizing that the rain had lessened into a drizzle, I sat up at an appropriate posture and revved the car up, deciding to call Angie and Ojay the following day to let them know that he was doing fine alright.
It was nothing, it meant nothing, and it was something I wouldn't worry myself about.
Or at least try not to.

~0~0~0~

Two weeks had gone by since the last time I'd seen Shawn. Everytime I thought about him, I'd become shriveled up with fear everytime I thought of what nearly happened with butterflies fluttering in my stomach.One thing that helpfully kept Shawn off of my mind was Dreux. Dreux and I became closer as friends at work in a short amount of time. I truly enjoyed the time I spent with him. Dreux still made no passes at me and strangely, for that I was glad. My emotions were still too nebulous and unsolved. I didn't want to drag him into my problems and from the safe distance he kept himself I knew he didn't either. I'd been so tempted on so many occasions to tell him what was happening with Shawn because the situation confused me but I refrained.Since I had a good streak with bad luck, the car that Shawn had meticulously and beneficently fixed for me obtained a flat tire. I'd only noticed it when Dreux and I were walking to our adjacently parked cars. I'd been riding around with a flat tire for an amount of time I wasn't even aware of."Damn it." I hissed after I examined it, for the millionth time confirming my worst fears.."If I had a spare I'd help you out but I just got mine changed last week." Dreux told me, walking from the punctured wheel of my car over to his with an apologetic smile on his face."It's okay," I sighed, pulling on the strap to my purse more firmly, "I'll just take the bus. You have a nice day alright—""Nah you wont take the bus. I'll drop you off." Dreux told me. His offer was so appealing to my ears because my feet ached and burned from scuttling to and fro like an industrious bee whizzing from one beehive to the next. Today had been a very tough day."Well I have to go all the way to the other side of town. My cousin needs my help with her wedding preparations." I explained to him with a frown. It took almost forty minutes to get from here to Angie's place. I'd hate to use up his gas for my own endeavors because of my own misfortunes."It's straight." He said."Are you sure?"Dreux grabbed a hold of my hand and pulled me towards him, "Stop talking. Let's go."All I could do was smile, thankful to have him at my life at that point.The ride to Angie's place was a pleasant one. We talked about anything and everything, laughing and joking in high spirits.When we got there I got ready to tell Dreux goodbye but he was gentleman enough to suggest walking me to the door. Even when I told him he didn't have to, he insisted and walked me there regardless."This place is real nice." Dreux observed, looking around the neighborhood as we walked through the walkway to Ojay and Angie's patio."It is." I said as we walked up the steps.When we got up to the doorstep I smiled at Dreux and opened up my arms to him for a hug to show my gratitude. Dimpling into a smile, Dreux stepped forward wrapping his arms solidly around my mid section."Thank you so much Dreux." I told him somberly, hugging him tight for emphasis."Anyti—"Dreux's words were suddenly cut off when the front door flew open.Completely caught off guard since we hadn't knocked or rang the bell, Dreux and I didn't part immediately even when we turned our heads to see who it was.It was Shawn.He must have been on his way out. Had it been anyone, the situation would've had less tension and Dreux and I would've immediately disencumbered to give him room to pass. But from the way he froze at the door, Dreux and I reflexively froze into place too.My mouth went dry because of how good he looked. Damn him. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't help but acknowledge his appearance. Today he was adorned in a white wifebeater as white as snow with a pair of deep gray dark jeans. First his expression was one of complete confusion, and then it started drying into a stony granite expression of complete circumspect. He was chewing indolently, slowly on some gum as he jaundiced Dreux and slowly part from our embrace.Lifting his chin with copious defiance enough for me to feel the sting, Shawn shoved his hands in his pockets, exuding a boastful nonchalance about himself that I didn't buy. He then rounded us with eyes that smoldered from head to toe, a jaw that tensed as he chewed arrogantly. Then he gave Dreux a look that surprised the hell out of me. He sized Dreux up with the air of a boss who'd just witnessed an invader trekking in on his territory before shaking his head and chortling softly like all of this was some sort of sick joke.Like someone who had obviously been rubbed the wrong way, Dreux stepped up to Shawn's parting figure. I'm not sure why but a nervous flare shook my innards."What nigga?" Dreux said to Shawn's back and I became so nervous when Shawn tensed and looked over his shoulder that the world in front of me swayed.I closed halting fingers around Dreux's forearm but it was too late. Shawn was fully turned around with his dark eyes intense from the deep scowl he gave Dreux, all the while tilting his head to cement his brewing irritation. My gut roiled with nervous energy, making me shift uncomfortably."The fuck you talkin' to?" Shawn asked, inclining his head slightly forward while walking back up the stairs in a slow predatory way like a lion carefully easing in for the kill. The look on his face was plain and clear, and inquiry to Dreux if he had lost his mind for talking to him the way he was.When I felt Dreux's forearm tense as he stepped forward, I used both of my hands to try and halt him as best as I could.How the hell had things turned out this way and from when? This was so sudden and unexpected, like an unforeseen bomb dropping on an unanticipated city."Who the fuck else you thi—""Shawn! Close the damn door! You're going to let bugs come in! Damn nigga you just don't listen to folks" Angie's stentorian voice flew out before she followed it. For one of the very few instances in my life I was so fortunate for Angie's voice.If I could hug her at that moment I would because she'd just thwarted a situation that I was very nervous of what the outcome would be."You just never follow any damn directions with that big ol head of yours..." Angie's voice tapered off when her eyes settled on Dreux.Like the flick of a switch, a slow sultry smile lifted her lips. It galled me the way Angie could be completely oblivious to tension."Hi there." She drawled, sizing Dreux up so openly with the eyes of a hungry animal that I felt embarrassed for him."Angie this is Dreux, Dreux this is Angie." I introduced them, still very much aware of"I remember you...how can I forget sexiness?" she batted her lashes demurely at Dreux, giving him her hand to shake. Rolling my eyes heavenward, I sighed. Angie was always the bold one. Just because she'd always belonged to Ojay didn't mean she never flirted—same as he. They were so weird, then they had the nerve to get mad at each other when they found out about it.Raising a brow at her, Dreux shook her hand with a smile that was fickle. His face was beet red and for some reason I didn't think it came from blush. The anger that sparked of with Shawn was still clearly brewing in him."Would you like to come in?" upon Angie's question, I reflexively turned to Shawn who looked at me at the same time. His eyes still hard and icy from the almost-altercation, I quickly turned away from him."I wish I could—""Aye nigga!" we all heard Ojay's inviting voice and turned to see him smiling warmly, clad homily in a white wifebeater and black and white checked pajama pants. Him and Ojay had really hit it off well at the party when Shawn hadn't been available. They'd become quick friends. Sighing warily, I reflexively looked at Shawn whose eyes were slightly narrowed in irritation. Then the look quickly diffused and he kept his features negligent, his chin slightly high and his head slightly tilted as he shifted from one foot to the other. With the discernible eye that I had whenever it came to Shawn, it was easy for me to catch a glimpse of his right leg slightly agitating through the thick denim material of his pants.The loud slapping sound I heard caught my attention and I turned to see that it was Ojay giving Dreux a dab."Sup..." Ojay smiled sheepishly, "Wait don't tell me...Dreux right?""Yeah. Ojay right?"Ojay nodded a satisfactory nod. Wow, their introductions went so well. I couldn't say the same for Mr. I'm-so-mad-at-the-world over there."But aye it was nice to meet ya'll but", he hitched his thumb towards the parked cars, "I got to be out.""Awww!" Angie pouted heavily, "Well you need to come by some other time okay? We need to get better acquainted."Ojay looked at her like she was crazy and told her in a warning tone, "...You better watch it."Angie's smile dropped and she accusingly whipped her head in Ojay's direction."Say what?" the amount of attitude on her voice and the way she tilted her head haughtily already foretold for me what was about to happen.With a dreadful sigh, I took a hold of Dreux's arm, leading him away from the facing off that was sure to begin. As we walked, I couldn't help but look briefly at the man whose eyes bored burning holes into me. Standing as rigidly as a statue, the only thing that moved on Shawn were the gruesomely dark irises of his heavily lidded eyes.Gulping hard, I turned away from him, realizing that as Dreux and I descended the steps, I had to lean on him because my knees were suddenly made of gelatin. Why was the way he looked at me making me hot and bothered? I was supposed to be mad and infuriated. No in fact I was mad and infuriated. He had a lot of damn nerve.When we were finally standing beside Dreux's car, I finally let him go of him and regarded him apologetically.His eyes roved atop of my head back at the house."What is ol' dude's problem yo?" he asked me with a scowl.I sighed heavily, "Dreux I—it's a long story. I'll explain later. He's usually very friendly it's just that—""Ion give a fuck about that cause I ain tryna be his friend but on the real...if that nigga ever bothers you come see me and I'll fuck his shit up. The fuck he think he is looking at me like that for." It was evident that he clearly did not like Shawn and would probably never care to.Swallowing hard, I nervously did my habit of rubbing my hands against my sides."Dreux I'm so sorry. I'll have a talk with him about it. Please don't let me keep you. Go on." I told him, almost a bit hurriedly. I just didn't want him to be involved with any of this.Dreux eyed me dubiously before shaking his head."Iight. Call me if you need anything okay?" he said as he opened his car door and I nodded.As I watched Dreux leave, I spotted from the corner of my eye Shawn walking towards Angie's car. That's when I remembered his car wasn't in the driveway.Deciding that ignoring him would be the best thing to do, I walked back to the house...and I was fuming mad. I couldn't believe that he would deliberately make Dreux feel uncomfortable and for what? He didn't know Dreux. He hadn't even tried, not that he was obligated to, but still. I'd always known Shawn to have respect for others. That was what set him apart from his little thugged out contemporaries. Shawn had respect for others while his friends thought it was the coolest thing in the world to judge and be ignorant.By the time I circled Angie and Ojay as they talked like normal human beings, I was damning myself for thinking of Shawn as the person he was four years prior.He was not the same.He was different.I needed to accept that and move right along.Their living room was a mess, with cut outs, sprawled and open catalogues, plates with crumbs dirtying them. It all made me wonder why Angie had brought me here.Folding my arms like a petulant child, I awaited Angie and Ojay to finish their games so that they could come in and get to business. Sitting as still as a tree, trying to compose myself not to be so bothered by Shawn's behavior, I heard Diamond scuttle into the room before rushing to my feet and snuggling there. I always seemed to forget that she existed.Just as I dipped my hand to ruffle her head, I heard some giggling followed by some deep mumbling and in a second, from the foyer out came Angie wriggling against Ojay's hold around her waist."Hey uh Beyonce—Ojay stop that!"Smirking at her, Ojay let go of her slowly and she playfully rolled her eyes and shook her head at him."Anyway, Shawn just stepped out to get some color patches that I was using to figure out what colors I wanted. But ummm...." Her eyes faltered and she started becoming fidgety and uneasy, "Ojay and I are uh, we're going to um go check on something."Ojay suddenly grabbed Angie's hand and started yanking her with him towards the staircase."We'll be right back." Was all he told me as an explanation.Too frustrated to care, I waved them off after rolling my eyes. They both run up the stairs laughing and giggling like highschool teenagers who were breaking the rules for the first time. I couldn't help but smile.Propping my elbow gently on my knee, I rested my chin on my hand, idly looking at the spread page of a wedding gown catalogue."Does Lee know about you and Dreux?" I heard and nearly jumped up from my seat.When I saw it was Shawn at the threshold, standing as calm as an evening breeze with his hands snugly in his pockets, I glowered at him."Excuse me?" I asked him, hoping against all hopes that I'd heard the wrong thing. My heart had suddenly started pounding wildly against my chest.When he casually and slowly advanced into the room, I shot up to my feet and shifted agitatedly. I didn't want to be where he was. Not now at least.Shawn shrugged apathetically, "Just a question."Curling my fingers into a tight fists and becoming rigid all over, I stalked out of the living room while mumbling, "I told you I'm not with him anymore.""Who? Lee or Dreux?" Shawn asked, turning slightly as I walked by him.I cut my eyes at him, wondering how he could be so brutal, so obdurate?Not sparing him and answer, I turned back around until his voice stopped me."...You were known to get around."My reaction was that of someone who'd just felt the stinging splash of boiling hot water all over their back.Before I knew what was happening, I'd whipped around. The crackle of the slap was what I heard before I even fathomed what I was doing. Fire burned like a match had just been pressed on a hot iron.Shawn's head remained sideways, immovable. The only muscle that moved on him was his bunching jaw.The room was uncomfortably quiet except for my heavy panting from all the pent up anger.Then slowly, Shawn turned to face me, his eyes lowered in a dangerous evocation that made my blood run cold. With his mouth set into a grim line, Shawn raised his chin slightly, his eyes asking me if I was sure I'd taken the right path by doing what I had done. I knew Shawn when he was angry. Now he'd never hit me or any other female for that matter, but I had to keep in mind that this wasn't the Shawn that I'd known four years ago.Still, I held my head high, his vision before me getting blurry from tears that welled over the ridges of my eyes."Fuck you Shawn." My voice was unstable, and I didn't try to hide it.Not wanting to understand what I'd just done and already embarrassed for giving him the satisfaction of seeing how easily he hurt me, I spun around and fled to the bathroom as fast as my legs could carry me.As I fled into the isolation of the bathroom, I thought about how I shouldn't have been fooled by the flowers and rainbows that had created dreamily in my mind over the past few weeks. Who was I kidding? Shawn's cordial behavior to me was all just an act. It hadn't been sincere.After slamming the door behind me, I flicked light into the bathroom. Sighing frustratingly, I folded my arms and leaned against the embellished tiles of the wall, blinking my tears away. How could he say something like that? How could he?Shaking my head mirthlessly, I decided that I would no longer put up with his primitive behavior. Then when I suddenly heard some thumping from upstairs, I grimaced and closed my eyes with another shake of my head. It was no mystery who was causing that ruckus.I stood there for a long time, measuring my anger before breathing deeply and bracing myself to go back and face them.Flicking off the bathroom light, I opened the door. I'd only taken one step when I bumped into a hard body.Before I could even roll my head back to see who it was, I was rammed back into the bathroom. The next thing I heard was the forceful slam of the door catching the latch followed by occasional low growls of blasphemous words. With eyesight painted of pitch blackness, I couldn't easily decipher what was going on. My nasal cavity still worked though and every molecule of me was struck with paralysis when his cologne wafted over my nose.Subsequently, I was thrashed with intense roughness up against the wall, making my back smack against it hard. I opened my mouth repellingly to ask what the hell was going on, only to cause more havoc on myself because a mouth had clamped over mine so hard that the back of my head pressed painfully against the wall. I knew those lips, and soft as they were, their brutal handling of me was anything but. I gasped sharply in reflex, mistakenly expanding the onslaught of my mouth. The thrusting tongue that stabbed my mouth was so incisive that it felt like a breach of my virginity, creating an aghast shriek in my throat.When my senses finally started to return in sequences, my hands balled into fists, digging into his chest as I struggled to keep my eyes from fluttering shut. My fighting of him only spurred him on and he pushed himself with more force against me, meshing my breasts with his hard chest and aligning my entire back so firmly to the wall I thought I would either become adhere to it or sink into it. With screams that were mutated into high-pitched garbling noises from his delving tongue as it swept, curled and punctured me, my hands scrambled up to his shoulders and pushed desperately at him. At that point, I knew that I wasn't fighting Shawn. I was fighting myself. I was fighting the weak knees that were no longer doing their job of supporting me up. I was fighting the heart that beat with a mixture of emotions that only depressed me further because I thought is shouldn't have felt them. I was fighting the slow burn that began to prick my womb. The realization of it was so disgusting that made made I clutched my eyes painfully shut, detesting myself for feeling that way.The harder I pushed, the more Shawn aggressed to me with the growls of an injured beast who sought bloodthirsty revenge on its enemy. My last, most urgent push was ceased when I felt strong, firm fingers wrapping tightly around my wrists, ripping them from his shoulders and stamping them like prison chains to the bathroom walls. It was then that I started using every other mechanism of my body to try and ward him off, to try and shield the feelings he was rousing in me off. If I capitulated, only Lord had access to what would happen form then and then after that. My hips jerked sharply in hopes for liberation when trying to yank my wrists from his iron hold was as useless as trying to free from locked chains. Grumbling something against my mouth and biting on my bottom lip enough to inflict a fleeting stinging pain, I felt him thrust his thigh in between my own and rigidly settle there. Now my womanhood rested directly on top of him and I could immediately feel his contracting muscles against me as he kept me pinned to the wall. Shocked and dismayed by the pool of moisture that rushed to my womb, my innate reaction was to try escaping, agitating my hips with more writhe and fervor. What a big mistake. Before I even knew what I was doing, I moaned into Shawn's mouth against my doing, admitting his tongue more access to soar into my slowly yielding mouth. Being the quick thinker Shawn was, he instantly picked up on my weakness, grinding his thigh unrepentantly against my sensitive dewy flesh. I tried, tried really hard not to moan again but I did and when I did, he groaned another word that remained incoherent to my ears, tilting his head to thrust his mad vessel into my mouth again.Then before it began, the debasing kiss suddenly was over. I felt and heard him separate himself from me, only to hear and feel his rugged, hot breaths against my face where a cold sweat had broken.I opened my eyes but couldn't see him.But I did hear him when he spoke through labored, deep breaths in a low, growl of an angry and hurt man."Just remember who had you first."Without another word, he let go of my wrists and stepped away from me slowly. Adjusted to the darkness, I saw his silhouette move unhurriedly out of the bathroom, leaving me shocked and speechless, my quivering lips moist and throbbing...