Some Day One Day

27

By the time nightfall came I started to feel queasy and I passed it off as nothing more than hunger. Like promised, I made it to Ojay's party. I was so grateful that Dreux was able to come with me to the party. It was so nice of him and I was content to have him as my date. I'd formally introduced him to Ojay and unlike the time at the game, Ojay was more receptive to him. It must have been the good spirits he felt from having such a wonderful, fruitful birthday. Angie being as busy as bee was difficult to track down and I didn't get the chance to introduce her to Dreux. She'd only merely smiled at us and waved, and gave me a secretly amused smile as one of her friends dragged her along with her for something.
Dreux was good company, making me laugh and smile...and also making me feel guilty. In truth I wanted to be around Dreux so that I could stop thinking about Shawn the way I was. Throughout the entire party, I searched for Shawn but to no avail. Our afternoon had been mild, almost awkward, but still tolerable and as strange as things were I was suddenly looking forward to the next moment that I saw him. Then when Ojay told me Shawn told him that he'd be running late since he claimed he suddenly wasn't feeling good, I was slightly crestfallen. Not because Shawn would be late, but because of how eager I was to see him.
All of that nonsense had to stop.
My head started pounding viciously like a hammer was causing a racket on an iron bench. Eating something only made me feel better for so long. I was becoming restless and uncomfortable, having to step out a number of times to get some much needed air. At first I worried that my urges were coming back. Of course Dreux had noticed my discomfort and after an array of asking me if I was okay, he fought his way through my stubbornness and felt my forehead. He then premised that I was coming down with a fever. I'd only sneezed once and it was one of those forgettable sneezes one has, say, when they come in conduct with dust. That's why I hadn't even paid attention to it. I started to wonder if it was because Shawn and I had been mindlessly standing out in the rain but I doubted it. I hadn't felt sick the entire day and when I'd seen him earlier that day he hadn't appeared sick or given any indications to it either.
Still, under Dreux's undefeatable chiding, I broke down, took his advice and allowed him to take me home. Though I was a little bit disconsolate for not having seen Shawn, I couldn't worry about it because at that moment I was only hoping I would feel better by the time I woke up for work. Under Dreux's supervision, I took some aspirin before going to bed. That night I didn't need the sleeping pills because I was already tyrannized with so much exhaustion that sleep came easily.
The next morning, I woke up with one of the biggest headaches I've ever had in my life. My eyelids were so heavy that I could barely open them. My bed was damp from the excess sweat that had haunted me all night. That's why I was unbound from clothing, because I'd stripped myself from the cold due to the sweltering heat. My sheets were rumpled because I'd tossed and turned all night due to severe discomfort. My breathing was rapid and heavy since my chest felt congested and blocked. Lack of breath had gotten so bad to the point where I had to use my inhaler at one point to relieve me Every part of my body burned, especially the route along my throat. Everytime I tried to move, a sharp incising pain would saw through my head like a lazer beam was being shot at me.
Nonetheless, I tried my best to sit up in bed and get ready for work. I barely made it to the bathroom and had to crawl back to bed. With the best of my ability, I'd called to work and with thorough disappointment in myself, admitted that I was way too sick to show up that morning. Fortuitously my manager told me that it was already my day off so I need not worry. He also added that maybe getting sick was what I needed to get some much-needed rest.
With as much strength as I could muster, I sat up in bed with great caution, taking deep, slow breaths as though I were afraid if I breathed too hastily, the pain at the center of my chest would make it crack in two. Once seated up, I rest my throbbing head against the wall and collected myself before daringly slipping out of bed. Staggering with feet that felt like they were laden by heavy rocks to my ankles, I blindly made my way to the door, leaning against it because the great effort to move took almost all of my energy. After rebuilding lost strength, somewhere in the haze that I was in I made it to my cabinet, took some sleeping pills and wandered in lofty recklessness back into my room, nearly knocking everything that was around me over as I went.
Falling heavily on my bed, I only used the sheet to cover me do to the heat that boiled my insides. When the sedatives finally started kicking in, slowing my nervous system, I slipped into a deep, easy sleep.
The next time I opened my eyes, bright light from the day was streaming recognizably throughout my room. The headache that was a once rioting thunderstorm was now was now a light calm breeze; much less painful than before. Though my throat was soar and itchy, it wasn't burning fiercely like before. My chest still hurt though. Sighing heavily and causing a sharp pain by doing so, I rolled over and grabbed my phone to water down my desire to know what time it was.
It was a few minutes after three o'clock in the afternoon.
Still lying lazily prone in bed, I looked over my missed calls and messages, which were surprisingly a handful. I didn't know that many people so receiving calls was as rare as they come. Against my own will I hoped that Shawn's number would be one of them. I was familiar with him calling now because his name.
To my misfortune he hadn't called, then I asked myself why it even mattered if he called me anyway. I came up blank with no answers.
Most of the calls were from Angie and one from Dreux. Smiling weakly I called Dreux first, not because I favored him over Angie, but because I knew he wouldn't keep me on the phone for hours on end. That's why I preferred talking to guys over the phone to females. They kept things short and sweet.
"Sup Beyonce? You okay?" Dreux answered after the third ring.
"Yeah," I was surprised by how course and raspy my voice sounded, "I'm much better. Thanks."
"Are you sure? You need anything?"
"Uh uh," I shook my head and remembered that he couldn't see me, all the while very grateful for his concern, "I think it was just a slight fever. I took some medicine and slept for a couple of hours. I'm fine."
"Oh iight. So you were in bed all day yesterday too huh."
"Hmm? Yesterday? No I was fine yesterday up until we got to the party. I don't know what happened, it was so sudden."
Dreux was quiet a moment before speaking, "Nah. That was the day before yesterday..."
"Huh?" I asked in confusion and Dreux laughed.
"Yo, how long you been asleep? Do you know what day it is today?"
It took me a while since I was still trying to ocme into my own from the sleep but I finally answered.
"Sunday. It's Sunday today...right?"
"Wrong. It's Monday. No wonder you ain' answer my call yesterday you must've been asleep."
"What?!" I sat up in bed so quickly that a sharp pain seared through my head, making me let out a groan of pain, "Damn Dreux are you serious?"
"Yeah. But hey, sleep is probably what you needed right?"
"Oh shit," the wheels in my mind started turning, "I didn't call in to say that I wasn't coming in today. I did that only for yesterday. I'm gonna be in deep shit—"
"Nah you ain'. He said it's coo. He even said rest is what you need." By he, I knew he was talking about my manager.
"Thank God." I muttered, putting my hand over my clammy forehead.
"But aye, you need anything?" Dreux asked again and I couldn't help but smile.
"No," I sighed heavily and eased my head back onto my pillow, "Thanks a lot for checking up on me Dreux, but I'm good."
"Iight then. I'll check up on you later to make sure you ain' missing out on days and shit."
After we both laughed and said goodbye, Dreux and I hang up.
The next person I called was Angie and she, just like Dreux, had called to check up on me.
"I'm coming over right after work okay?"
"You don't have to." I told her.
"I will." That was her parting statement before she hung up on me, not giving me the benefit to argue with her.
True to her word, Ojay and Angie were bustling into my place with a large bundle of groceries.
"I can't stay for long," Ojay said hastily right after he'd placed some of the bags in my livingroom, "How you feelin' sis?"
"I'm good. Thanks for all this," I motioned my hand towards the groceries gratefully, "I really don't know how to thank you guys sometimes."
"Just stay healthy. That's all we ask." Angie said, already opening and closing cabinets in the kitchen.
"Iight well I got to go. But damn I heard you slept for two days straight." He said with a faint smile and I rolled my eyes.
"Angie exaggerated. It was only a day and a couple of hours," I patted his arm, "But hey you go on. Don't let me keep you."
"Iight," he pecked me on the forehead, "Later. Aye Angie. Come here and give me a kiss woman I'm about to leave."
Angie tottered back to the living room and gave Ojay the kiss she wanted. Then just as soon as the two of them parted reluctantly, they both grabbed each other and kissed passionately. I laughed the only faint laugh that my feeble body could allow me.
"You guys are weird. Ojay get going before you two have sex in my living room please."
They eventually ripped their lips from one another's with so much hesitance that my heart ached for them.
"Bye baby." He told her smoothly as he stepped back and Angie smiled shyly—something she rarely did—and bid him farewell too. They were so cute it made me sick sometimes.
Ojay finally left and Angie looked thoughtfully at the door, making me wonder. Something was up between the two of them and I knew it wouldn't be long before I figured it out. Then again, they behaved that way with each other sporadically so who knew whether something had taken place or not.
"Damn Angie," I said, closing the door after Ojay's departure, "You didn't have to do any of this you know?"
"Oh shut up," she placed some of the bags Ojay left on the floor on my only table and readily looked towards the kitchen, "Where are your pots and pans? I can't find any."
In a matter of minutes Angie and I were seated in my living room, me eating from a bowl of soup and her drinking from a cup of tea. She'd advised me to go lay down and rest while she made me something to eat. If I weren't so weak, I wouldn't have given in so easily. She'd waited till I was awake instead of waking me up and reheated the soup she'd prepared, which is what I was eating now. It worked miracles because I was feeling so much better and livelier than before.
"I swear," she set her mug on my only, browbeaten coffee table, folding her legs beneath her when she eased back to the only other couch I had other than the one I sat on, "You and Shawn have telepathic powers or something."
Hearing Shawn's name was as surprising as feeling a needle suddenly prick my side. And because of that I flinched slightly, an unsettling wave billowing from my chest to my gut.
"Why do you say that?" I asked, setting my nearly empty bowl atop my cross-legged posture, my hands wrapped around it's sphere shape because the warmth that radiated from it was comforting.
"Ojay said he's been feeling unwell. That he must've caught the flu or something but you know Shawn. His ass still keeps on going to work. We keep telling him if he doesn't get his rest it's going to get worse but does Shawn listen? No. Stubborn ass..."
I shook my head with a rueful smile curling the corner of my lips, "You should know how stubborn Shawn is. Especially when it comes to work. That's something he doesn't play with."
"I know," Angie frowned a little bit, "To be honest sometimes I think he pushes himself too hard. I know Shawn is a naturally hard working person, but sometimes he exceeds his limit. Like this whole also going to grad school thing. He's doing that. Plus working," she lowered her eyelids at me, "Let's not forget partying. No wonder his ass is always so tired. I only work at the bank and my ass is always so tired out by the end of the day. That nigga still has energy to be going to the gym and shit afterwards."
"I know," I commiserated, "It used to take so much to get Shawn to just sit still and relax, if only for five damn minutes. I think he's allergic to laziness."
"Word." Angie concurred.
"Aye," I laughed in memory, having to clear my throat because laughing made it tingle, "Remember how difficult it was to get him to go with us to the beach during that one spring break on our senior year? It took us like two months to break him down, and when the time came we still had to drag him along with us," I shook my head, "He's so difficult."
Angie laughed, her eyes lighting up as the memory hit her.
"Oh yes I remember that. Fun times."
We both drifted into silence as our thoughts overtook us. I ended up musing over one of the most precious moments we spent at the beach. Damn, I'll never forget it...
"How's the wedding planning going?" I finally, gratefully got out of my reverie before it got too dangerous.
"It's straight. Speaking of which, Ojay and I will be heading out of town for two weeks."
I frowned deeply, "Nooo! Why?! Where are you going?"
"Well the lady who's designing my gown and your dress resides in Atlanta so I have this big appointment to see her so that we can discuss what I want. And while we're there Ojay wanted us to stop by his grandparent's place." She grimaced.
"So when are ya'll leaving?"
"This Friday."
"Wow. Well I hope you have fun."
"Fun? Ojay is dragging me there. I don't want to go but oh well. I'll be straight. Now on to you missy, now that guy I saw you with the other night, wasn't that Dreux?"
Bashfully, I smiled and nodded.
"Girl," Angie droned, "I didn't see him all that well but he looked fine from what I did see. Ya'll hitting things off?"
"No. He kind of sensed that I had some issues with Shawn and backed off a little bit. We're just friends." I admitted. I didn't want her thinking that Dreux and I had a chance anytime soon because I wouldn't hear the end of it from her if she thought otherwise.
Angie sucked her teeth, "Forget Shawn. He brought that little tramp Stacey to Ojay's birthday. I never liked the bitch."
The amount of jealousy and anger that coursed through me was so abundant and unexpected. I was suddenly glad that I'd left early.
"They were always close." I tried to keep my voice leveled and unaffected.
"Whatever. She's still a bitch to me. I don't know why he hangs around her triflin', ugly hoodrat ass anyway."
I always used to ask the same thing, but maybe it was just because I'd always seen her as a threat. Now after Angie had brought her up, I felt gmorbid and was mad at myself for feeling that way.
"Angie I have a question. I know Shawn really loved that little boy Gerald, you know...Kellaine's son. You said he started wildin' out around the same time he messed with her and all the way afterwards. I was wondering, how could he go whoring around when he was busy taking care of that little boy? He sounded real passionate about taking care of him, and living with Kellaine I mean how could he still mess with other girls?"
Angie waved me off negligently, leaning forward to pick up her mug by its handgrip.
"Come on now Beyonce. Every man has needs. Him and Kellaine were never official so he still got around. And I mean, just because he really loved and cared for that boy didn't mean his life stopped. He still did his thing." She sipped meagerly at her coffee when done explaining.
She was right. Just because he was a father didn't mean the other part of his life had to stop.
I decided to shove those wondering thoughts of Shawn aside and stop trying to figure him out. It shouldn't have mattered to me. Not anymore at least.
Angie's presence truly made my spirits high.
"Man..." she wailed.
"What's up?"
"Ojay's Grandma..." she said, wrinkling her nose like she'd just smelled something foul. I laughed.
"Why the face?"
"You know how I feel about his Grandma. That bitch."
"Angie!"
"I'm sorry but you know how she is. She still thinks I'm not good for Ojay. Said I wasted his time with my problems. She's such a hypocrite too. She's saying that he should explore more of the world before he marries me, talkin' bout it's not always smart to marry your highschool sweetheart. The bitch has nerve she got married when she was sixteen to a boy she'd known since kindergarten. How is she going to say something like that to me?"
"Damn. Did she really say all that?" I asked, my frown deepening.
Angie nodded and I shook my head dismally.
"She said a whole lot worse. And then she keeps saying things like, oh it's not going to be the way it was in highschool. Oh no one that young knows what true love is. Once you step into the real world, it's not going to be roses and hearts of candy the way it used to be in highschool. I don't know why she's trippin'. Ojay and I aren't kids anymore, and even after highschool we did try to date other people you know."
"Yeah I remember you told me," I chuckled softly, "but ya'll could never truly pulled it off."
"I know."
It became quiet for a little while. My ruminating got so deep that the next thing I said was in reference to my thoughts.
"Ojay's grandma reminds me of Mom and Dad. Damn, they were so irritated about Shawn and I being together it was ridiculous. Said we were idiots just living a dream..."
My eyes had downcast to a make-believe spot on my carpet. She always told me to stop dreaming, to wake up and realize that I was just in lust, only thinking I was in love because it was something I wanted so much.
That's when I started to get confused.
Mom and Dad had always known better, so how could I trust myself to know that what I felt was truly love? How could I test my own mother's word?
At the same time, how could the feeling of need to be with Shawn be so strong to the point where I started disobeying my beloved parent's word?
"They were real tough on ya'll back then I admit. But I guess they do that to protect us though." Angie said sadly.
"I guess so. But why protect people from loving each other you know?" I murmured, the thought of my parents hurting me yet making me miss them so much. It still hurt. It hurt very, very much.
"That's what I'm sayin'. I just don't understand why grown ups have this thing, this chip in their head that keeps telling them that two young people can't be in love, or even know what love is. That annoys the hell out of me. Like we're not capable of understanding what it truly is. Like we're too dumb and can't think for ourselves."
"Love isn't a thought. It's not about understanding with your mind. Love is an emotion. It's something you feel with your heart. It makes me wonder though. Does one have to be mature to know what true love is? I mean, I can't say our elders are all the way wrong. Cause you know when you're young, you get excited because the world paints love to be this magnificent thing. And when you're excited for something, you keep looking for it so badly. Sometimes we get so caught up in that word, we get so caught up in desperately trying to find and feel that emotion that everyone keeps saying is so damn great...that we end up taking any gesture as a gesture of love...even when sometimes it's not. And sometimes when trying to protect ourselves we miss love when it truly hits us...you know?"
Angie nodded.
"I don't think its just excitement and the eagerness to learn of the unknown that makes people seek love though." She said thoughtfully.
"Oh most definitely. It's not."
"Then what is it?" she asked.
"Loneliness."
The room fell quietly for a while, both of us thinking deeply.
"You know," I laughed softly, "Shawn once told me something that I'm starting to learn is so damn true."
"What was it?"
"People may be different in all senses of the word, but one thing that they share...ironically...is loneliness. He said that apart from love...loneliness is one of the most ironic universal emotion because it keeps most of us apart but somehow, at the same time, it draws very few us closer."
"Very few of us..." Angie echoed in a distantly thoughtful tone, "Who are the few..."
"People like you and Ojay. You know what I call ya'll, starcrossed lovers or whatever." I told her with a smile and she to smiled, but a tremulous smile.
"You know Beyonce I finally understand you." her eyes were now pensively on the floor.
"What do you mean?"
"Remember when we were younger, you used to tell me over and over how you were scared. And I'd ask you what you were scared of. And you'd say what you were feeling inside. I used to brush it off, thinking that you were just being plain old Beyonce, always complaining about something. I couldn't understand what you meant when you said your feelings for Shawn were so strong that they scared you."
She pursed her lips, circling the rim of her cup with her index finger.
"But now I think I do. Sometimes it truly scares me what I feel for Ojay. Just when I thought I couldn't love him anymore, he does something to prove me differently. Everyday...it just keeps growing and..." her eyes glistened suddenly and she bit her lip.
"Angie...stop man you're gonna make me cry." I felt my eyes water too. To anyone, they might have viewed us as little old saps who cried over everything, but I understood where Angie was coming from. Although the wounds Derrick had created were healed, her insecurity over Ojay being in her life hadn't. Angie had been through hell and back with Derrick, and to find the love of your life immediately after can be a real scary thing. Usually, most people who go through abuse hibernate and shield themselves from the world. It usually takes such people a while to find that one person who breaks the walls and barriers they built amongst themselves. But Ojay had been there through it all, making her believe that trust, happiness, faith, and contentment still existed plethoric in the world. Everytime she tried to build a wall over herself, Ojay was right there to knock the bricks down. He didn't let her shy away from the world, so much to the point where she said sometimes she hated him.
It was his willingness not to give up on her that gave her the hope, love and happiness she'd been devoid of.
The willingness not to give up on her...
Someone I knew very well always told me that where he came from, no one ever gave up on the person they loved no matter what.
A whip of guilt flayed me.
Angie wiped off a tear that had fallen down her cheek, "I don't think I deserve him. I truly don't. Being with him feels so good that I get so self-cautious."
Placing my bowl on the floor, I walked up to the sofa she sat on and put a comforting arm over her shoulder.
"You know when I was with Derrick, and how he used to treat me, I think I felt like it was natural that things weren't okay because, because it's almost like he was reminding me how fucked up life truly is, you know? That just, that gruesome and toughness he had was a reminder that that's truly what life was," Angie choked up and wiped some more tears before inhaling deeply and continuing, "But then when I met Ojay, when I was with him it felt so good. It felt so good Beyonce, it felt so good that it didn't feel real, like I wasn't even a part of the world anymore. It's like he showed me that reality didn't always have to be a smack in your face, or that reality didn't always have to mean pure unhappiness. You know how whenever something tragic happens, people always say...oh well reality hit. But that's not what it was with Ojay. With Ojay the meaning of reality felt so different, it still does. Sometimes I still feel like I'm dreaming and if I am I hope that I never wake up..."
I had to blink a number of times to keep the bags of tears from falling from my eyes.
"Girl don't ever think that you don't deserve him. Everyone deserves love. Even your worst enemy. Even the most evil person in this world deserves it. Everyone deserves it."
Angie sniffed a couple of times before turning to me.
"If everyone deserves it, then why do you and Shawn keep depriving yourselves of it like ya'll don't?"

~0~0~0~

It was a week and a half since Angie had asked me what she had, and it still rung resonantly in my head. I'd come up with a trillion answers. They were all reasonable, plausible...but all folly.I tried and tried to convince myself over and over that after four years of not talking to someone, love couldn't exist. When that wasn't enough and Angie's question still bothered me, I further tried to sway myself to believe that Shawn and I hadn't been in love. We were just two young people that liked the idea of being in love.I was mad at myself for thinking about it over and over.A few days added to that week and a half when Angie had asked me that question, making it two weeks now. I don't know why it bothered me so much.It was a Friday night and the day had started and continued badly. It had rained cats and dogs to the point where flooding took place in various areas, mine being one of them. I'd just come home from a long day of work and I wanted nothing better than to drink a little bit of the wine that I'd purchased and drift into an unbothered sleep.Right when I set my bags down, I received a phone call. It was from Angie. I ignored it because I didn't want to listen to her complaints about Ojay's grandmother. I'd been dealing with that all week.Kicking off my soggy shoes, and taking off my soaked up jacket and draping it on the couch, I started to make my way to the kitchen when my cell phone rang again. Groaning, I whipped around, stalked back to the couch where my purse lay with my phone inside it. The caller was now Ojay and I knew it was Angie trying to get me to answer her.I turned my phone off.Right when I padded into the kitchen, the landline rung out throughout the house, nearly making me jump out of my own skin. Sustaining a scream, I picked up the phone.I stayed quiet."Hello?" it was Angie."Yes Angie.""Okay so I know you're ignoring me and I know why but I promise this has nothing to do with the bitch from hell.""Okay.""Actually I was calling because Ojay and I need you to do us a favor.""What favor.""Ojay and I have been trying to reach Shawn for the last week but no one has heard from him for the past three days. People from work have called, clients, he's not responding. We're getting worried.""Angie come on," I sighed, "Shawn likes his space. You know that.""I know but when Ojay and I left he was feeling even worse. And some of Ojay's co-workers say he was looking pretty bad by Tuesday, and then he just stopped going in suddenly. Now you and I both know that no matter how tired or sick Shawn is he still pushes himself. I don't know, we just thought it was unusual how he didn't even go to work."I'd be lying if I said I didn't start to get worried. Shawn never missed the opportunity to work for anything. It was a little bit scary sometimes. Work was his drug, his addiction, and I knew it came from the fear of being poor. He'd always told me when we were younger that he was going to do anything in his power to get out of the position he was in, and once he was out, he said he'd never go back.And also another factor of Shawn was that he was always too proud to ask for help. For all we knew he could be lying on his deathbed and he would never tell anyone about it."So what was the favor you needed?" I asked nervously."Try calling him. If he doesn't answer please just go by his place and check on him.""He might have gone to Barbados or something though." I began grappling for reasons not to go. I wondered why she couldn't find someone else to ask, and then I reasoned that anyone else might've wondered why she was making such a big deal about it. She also probably didn't feel comfortable about asking just anybody else to go over his house."No, he would've told us. I'm really worried that something has happened.""Angie I just can't go to his place unannounced—""I know. That's why I'm saying call him first. Call him and if he doesn't answer you, go. Please I'm just asking you to check up on him that's all." She implored.Unable to deny my own sudden worries, I capitulated."Okay," I said with a heavy sigh, "I'll go over tonight.""Thank you so much. Here's his number—""It's okay. I have it." I informed her."You do?" she seemed genuinely surprised."Yeah. I'll get back at you later."We talked a little bit more, said our goodbyes and I finally hang up. Immediately, I retrieved my cellphone and turned it on. The next thing I promptly did was calling Shawn. I had to have called five times and received no answer.With a sigh of trepidation, fear, and reluctance all balled up in one, I slid into my shoes, put on my coat, and took my purse. I hurried into the kitchen and downed some bread before taking the aspirin the nurse at the clinic had advised me to take.Then I gathered all my stuff and headed out into the rainy night again to check on Shawn, telling myself that I was only doing it to quell Angie's paranoia.