Some Day One Day

49

Warmth.
That's all I felt when I woke up. Snuggling closer to the warmth that was so blissful, I nestled my head in the crook of what seemed to be a neck and smiled lightly to myself. When I moved closer to the source of warmth an arm sturdily closed around my waist, making the haven I felt I was in more comfortable. For a little while longer I lingered in a languorous not really sleeping but just closing my eyes to enjoy the feeling that I felt was temporary.
When that realization that this feeling wouldn't be eternal, guilt sprung up from the shadows to engulf me, making me feel like I didn't have a right to be beside him. Stirring fully awake I realized that it was still dark outside but was still able to view the outline of Shawn's face. The entire night he had only held me, not attempting to make any sexual advances. I knew the old Shawn well enough to know that he would do that on any given day because sex wasn't what he was all about but I kept on reminding myself that he wasn't the same.
Knowing that holding me had been enough to let him sleep made my heart flutter happily, but it didn't override the guilt that lingered like a foul stench that couldn't be rid of. Touching the smooth skin of his face delicately I smiled to myself. The outline of his side rose and fell with each soft breath he took. Electrical sparks sizzled my fingers as I trailed down his neck, over his shoulder where his many tattoos were. I'd always been meaning to ask him what the dazzling stars on his under arm meant but something more serious would always attack us and make me forget. The smoothly gliding trip of my fingers was stopped when I felt something faintly calloused and rough. Pausing, I thoroughly inspected the portion with my eyes only to gasp lightly when I realized what it was. Four were strewn across the usually smooth enamel of his arm. When it dawned on me the only place they may have come from my face heated and my womanhood conflagrated. Biting my lip, I blushed despite myself, rubbing the scratches gently as though to soothe them.
Cupping his jaw, I leaned in and pressed my lips gently to his luscious ones, a shiver going through my spine when I felt his soft skin against mine. Sighing to myself, I pulled back and watched him continue to sleep. With each second that passed I loved him more than before and wondered how I could ever tell him that I had become his worst nightmare.
I shuddered when the possibility that I'd become dead to him settled within me.
Swallowing hard, I made to move away from him fearing that he'd somehow know of my secret the longer I stayed beside him, but my leaving came to a halt when Shawn's arm tightened around me the way it would whenever I flinched but a nary to keep me where he wanted.
So as to not wake him from sleep I'm sure he rarely got, I made my self physically comfortable against the hard line of his body even though my heart felt anything but comfortable.

~0~0~0~

"Shawn?"
"Yes babygirl..."
"I'm happy."
He didn't respond.
"Mommy can be with Daddy now in Heaven yah? He wont has to be lonely anymore and she won't have to be sad all the time."
It was the next afternoon after last night. After a long hard day of work I found myself in Shawn's kitchen drying dishes used from the early morn, all the while listening to Shawn and Marissa talk about the fallen star that was their mother.
Through the drapes the gaily spring after noon sun streamed into the room which held a somewhat calm atmosphere.
Marissa had not too long ago been dropped off by Angie and Shawn had not too long ago informed her of what had happened. When he'd told her, she'd been quiet and thoughtful for a considerably long time-just the way Shawn had been last night. The two of them were so alike in some instances it was mind-boggling.
Now she was finally giving him her response and when she said those words I turned to find Shawn staring at a spot on the plain white floor.
Finally Shawn glanced up at Marissa and then for some reason looked at me as he directed his words to her, "I'll be going away for a while."
To hide the disappointment that I was sure showed on my face, I turned away discreetly and went about clearing the dishes. Having to report to work early, I'd left him while he was asleep but made sure to make him some breakfast first. He didn't tell me his plans for the day but I was sure it meant going to make arrangements for his mother apart from reporting to work that he would be leaving behind. I still was not sure what particular department Shawn worked on in the real-estate business because there were times I knew he worked from the office situated right beneath the staircase. We hadn't had extended conversations about our current lives save the one time we were upstairs in Ojay's club and he revealed to me that Gerald wasn't his son and last night when he'd poured the remnants of his soul about his mother.
He'd asked me suspiciously about my life and all I had given him were bleak, useless answers. I knew that I had to come clean with him and I had to do it sooner, not later.
It would have to wait though because when Shawn had come home tonight he told me that he would be leaving for a couple of days. Although I had already predicted that he would leave, hearing his deep voice tell me that made me crestfallen and upset. I wish it didn't bother me so much that he was leaving because I'd lived four years without him-a few days wouldn't kill me. Then I recalled how everyday without him by my side had been a struggle so vicious that to this day merely thinking about it made me ache.
"Why?" Marissa sounded panicky and confused.
"I need to make arrangements for her funeral. I'm taking Mom back home."
I'd always speculated as to why Shawn hadn't taken her back but I believed he still hoped she would get better treatment here. He'd probably spent a fortune trying to get her back despite his claim that she had been dead to him for a while.
"Oh." She was quiet a moment before blurting, "I don't wanna go back yet Shawny."
Her tone was so pleading that it caught me off guard, making me look at them over my shoulder. I found that Shawn held the same questioning glance that I did
Realizing why she was being like this, I turned away instantly with flushed cheeks.
"You're not going back yet." He murmured.
"You haven't been to Barbados since the storm." She stated.
"I know...." I heard him condescend ruefully.
"How long will you go for?"
"Not long," he paused but I could have sworn I felt his eyes piercing my back before he continued, "I'll be back before the wedding."
At the word wedding my heart vaulted and daringly, I turned to conclude that he was in fact staring at me with that pressing thoughtfulness he always harbored on his face. Tearing my gaze away from his I looked at Marissa whose face glowed cheerfully.
"I'm going to be at the wedding Shawny!" she chimed clasping her hands beneath her chin and he smiled softly but endearingly at her.
"I know babygirl. You excited huh?" his eyes roved over her with the love and warmth seeing her happy always brought him.
"Yes," she giggled happily, her high cheekbones stained scarlet as she admitted bashfully "I can't wait for mine. It will be big and everyone will come."
Both Shawn and I laughed, our hearts going out to the girl that was partially our center of happiness.
"I will be giving Ojay and Angie a surprise." Marissa unnounced proudly yet impishly.
"Really? What?" Shawn asked.
"No telling." Marissa shook her head haughtily.
"Come on babygirl, you can't even tell me?" Shawn tilted his head, asking with commiseration.
Marissa batted her long lustrously curved lashes at him speaking in a saucy tone, "Why should I tell you and not nobody else."
"Cause you're the most favorite person in my world." He said with a smile as he leaned back against his chair, his arm muscles flexing as he did so. My mouth watered at this inopportune time but I tried to ignore it although it was harder to ignore such things these days when I'd felt all inches of him inside of me. Mindlessly my eyes skittered to the scratch marks on his arm that were much more evident and darker than I'd remembered. Flustered by the fact I had been the one who'd placed them there, I blushed despite myself and suddenly felt weak in the knees.
"You're my favorite too Shawny but I still not telling." Marissa's deep frown made both Shawn and I laugh once again. God I loved to hear him laugh. There was nothing better than hearing that deep laugh reverberate off of the kitchen walls and reverberated back into my heart. Still, that bitter knot that always struck me whenever I got happy lingered and burned...
"Why didn't you guys have one?"
"Have what?" Shawn asked, still in a poodle of good spirits.
"A wedding. Why have you and Beyonce not get married yet?"
A blind person could've detected that the jubilant semblance in the room immediately turned glum once that question was formed. The question itself was so personal and so hard hitting that when Shawn and I glanced at each other we were rendered speechless.
On baited breath I waited for Shawn to bark some real smart-alecky remark out of a bitter heart, holding my breath for so long that I began to get dizzy. Then as though looking at me was too painful he turned away from me, but not before I caught the incoming storm before he could look away.
Understandable rage and hurt had marred his eyes. Spasms went through his strong jaw muscles as he fumbled with his car keys in hand.
The subject being too delicate to meander around, Shawn didn't even bother concealing the wound that was still raw and gushing as he stood up.
"Some things just ain' meant to be. But aye imma be upstairs packing if you need me." I'm not sure if he who he was addressing because his eyes had been averted the entire time. As he left the room I watched his retreating back apologetically.
This was one of the few times Marissa was keen that something wasn't particularly right because she remained silent but still flabbergasted nonetheless.
Clearing my throat, I picked p a bowl to dry while speaking thickly, "Hey hun, come help me with these dishes will you?"
Mute, Marissa came and stood by my side, helping me with the dishes.
Once we were done I draped by hands over the edge of the kitchen counter, staring at the window at the sun as it retreated behind the far away mountains deep in the confines of my thought.
"Did Shawn mean that you and him ain' meant to be?"
Marissa's question startled me as I thought she had left the kitchen to go to her brother when we were done.
I was about to answer her question but came up short with answers.
"I'm not sure what he meant."
"Did I make him mad?" she asked, looking down at her thumb which she disturbed with her other thumb.
"No. You didn't."
"He's not happy Beyonce. Ever since you left."
I didn't know what to say.
"Will you make him happy again?"
It took me a while to respond, but I did.
"I'll try my best."
"I want my brother back Beyonce..." Marissa confessed hopelessly.
Wrapping her in my arms, I hugged her tight, "He'll be back. He can't stay away for too long."
"He used to say mommy would come back and she didn't. It's been a long time..." Marissa continued woefully as we pulled back. Smiling to give her some sort of encouragement, I brushed some hair away from her face.
"He'll be back. Trust me. The day is coming" I reassured her, surprised by how sure I sounded even though I didn't know when or if.
After some quiet consideration, Marissa's lips curled into a tiny wistful smile.
"I can't wait for that day. Mmk let me go help him pack."