Some Day One Day

26

Light drizzles of rain dotted the windshield ahead of me, giving me the prediction that it was about to rain. I thought that to be strange when today had been a marvelously, cheerfully bright and sunny day.
Leaning against the windowpane, I watched the silvery strands drift from the sky.
We drove in silence, our words abandoning us like the happiness we'd always tried to seek. That day had been so unrealistic to my reality that it had felt like a dream waiting to break. Now I had no idea whether Shawn and I were on good terms or not, but it did feel like we were stepping on broken glass any time we were around one another. It was as though we didn't know what to feel, think, or say because one word could lead us to a past so painful that even the mightiest person with the strongest heart would be afflicted.
Shawn's unfinished comment left an uncomfortable air in the vicinity of the car. I should've known better than anyone that the cloud nine I was on wouldn't last forever. It had evaporated and I'd landed back on earth with a striking thud. Folding my arms tightly, I looked out the window and saw the city lights, the landmarks that reminded me of our childhood flash right before my eyes.
Like most live hearts, mine was beating, but it wasn't a regular beat. There was a nervous, uncertain rhythm to the way it beat. I was doing all that I could to hold my tongue, but I was on the brink of letting go. That's why my heart was beating irregularly because I couldn't trust myself whenever I was this dangerously close with Shawn. Not when we'd left things on an unfulfilled note without any closure whatsoever.
His last comment replayed over and over in my mind. The impression I got was that he meant how could someone who used to act like she was carefree and fun loving turn out the way that I did. My only true carefree and sincere loving ways blossomed when I was with Shawn, but even then, it had to take him being around for those truths within me to flower.
Up until this day and age, I could never credit myself for being comfortable in my own skin...on my own. I wasn't all the way there, but I was getting there, and I was damn proud of myself. That's why I felt this burning need to put rectitude to his comment.
"What were you going to say back there?" I asked him, focusing on my fingers, which wrung together. The words tumbled out before I could restrict them.
I realized then that we were just turning onto the road where my apartment building was located when I'd chosen to speak. I'd been so deep in thought I hadn't realized that we'd been quiet for practically the whole ride.
After I spoke, I felt Shawn's eyes on me.
"What do you mean?" he asked, half confusion in his voice...half trepidation.
I wanted to stop myself, but I felt this need to explain to him what I truly felt and thought. The next thing I knew, rain was pouring heavily
"I may not be her." I spoke without preparation, saying the first thing that I felt. I knew I began at an odd tangent, which made his next question expectant.
"Who?" Shawn asked, still in the dark of what I was trying to convey.
"The old me." I said quietly. The car grew silent. The radio was off as it usually was most times we drove together.
We'd rolled to a stop in one of the parking spaces. Like usual whenever rain drenched the city, no one would be standing outside. The drab building was soaking with rain. The city's streetlights painted gold on the sidewalks. It looked so pretty, like the world was being cleansed, unmasked from its hiding place, revealing all its truth.
I felt the same way.
The car had grown silent. And I used the silence as an opportunity to say what I wanted to say.
"Everyone might not be okay with who I am, or where I am. I'm grateful for their concern...but..."the words never came out right. Shawn had never had any problem understanding me, even when we were strangers and knew nothing about each other's backgrounds and past, he'd always understood.
But things had changed. Nothing was like it used to be.
Feeling suddenly shameful for expressing too much emotion, feeling embarrassed for feeling the need to explain myself, I thanked him for the ride in a rushed murmur and tumbled out of the car without looking back.
When the coldness of the outside air struck me, I was appalled. I'd forgotten how tumultuous spring weather could be. A warm day could evolve into an arctic night. The steady downfall of rain pelted relentlessly against my exterior. Not looking back, I headed for the apartment.
The lights beaming like spotlights from Shawn's car, making the raindrops look like white strikes against the apartment walls, suddenly turned off. My heart beat with nervousness anew.
"That's besides the point." I heard him say, having to speak louder over the heavy platter of rain.
I wanted to turn around, but I couldn't. All that bravado I'd had in the car had abandoned me and I could no longer face him.
"I wasn't judging you Beyonce." He said, not having to speak any louder because he was much closer to me. At his words, my steps faltered, giving him much time to catch up with me before I could flee.
The next thing I knew, my right hand was manacled and I was halted and turned around. Seeing him in that light made my knees week. Rivulets of rain streamed down his impeccably smooth skin. Raindrops dripped from his brows, which were low over his intense, brown eyes. They dripped from the vertex of his nose, from his chin. My breaths quickened and I tried to look away but I couldn't. With a heart that rocketed up to my throat, I turned around shaking like a leaf in the wind. It was cold, but I don't think that's why I trembled all over. Although the touch had been brief, I'd had that same serious effect I got everytime he touched me.
Our eyes locked and held, a thousand incoherent words reaching to each other by weaving through the raindrops.
Finally, I found the will to speak.
"I know." I said so inaudibly the only way he could've heard me was by reading my lips.
Nothing else was said, but Shawn made no moves to leave. He stood there, his features arcane. But he continued to stand there, as though he were waiting for something. I didn't know what.
Then the wheels in my mind started turning unti-clockwise, ridding me of common sense to stop talking before I thought carefully of what I said.
"I was just trying to say that I've changed from how I used to be" my voice was low, and I was doing all I could to restrain wrong wringing my fingers together nervously. I didn't want to seem like a lost child in front of him because I wasn't one anymore. Not compared to how I used to be, "We all have. Who I am may be less approvable, but its who I am, by choice." Dropping my hands to my sides, a sloshing sound from the rain sounding. Even in my engorged state, I couldn't help but drag my hands up and down my saturated shorts. I finally got the words to tell him what I meant by all of this. I licked some raindrops off of my lips before continuing. "I like who I am and I'm all I have and I can't let anyone tear me down right now." Why was I telling him this? I don't know why. I felt the need to.
Somewhere along the way, my eyes had dropped from shame because I knew I was rambling, a whole lot of nothing about something.
"I ain' tryna tear you down iight. That's not what I meant when I said what I did." he said, bringing my eyes up to him.
My heart suddenly felt light.
"What did you mean?" I asked him curiously and literally felt him retreat just by the look on his face.
His eyes quickly left mine and looked searchingly passed me, blinking spasmodically because of the raindrops that loitered his lashes.
"I still don't understand why you're living here Beyonce." He said, brusquely changing the subject, a small frown playing around his now wet lips...
Shaking my head out of the reverie I could feel myself falling into, I blinked the drops of rain out of my face. That's when I wondered why we were standing out here in bad weather, soaking up the cloud's tears like this. It didn't seem to bother him though and it didn't bother me either.
"There's nothing to understand Shawn," when I helplessly looked at his lips again and saw the frown, I continued, "Please don't feel sympathy on me. Sympathy the worst rock to be hit with..."
Shawn suddenly had a knowing look in his eyes.
"Don't you think I know that?" Shawn asked me rhetorically. I knew that Shawn knew better than anyone that sympathy was the worst kind of emotion someone can give another.
"But aye," he began before I could answer, "You forgot to give me your keys."
"My keys?"
"To your car. I'll need it if I'm going to check it out."
"Oh!" I'd suddenly forgotten, scrambling for my keys in my pockets. I felt Shawn's eyes on me as I fumbled for the main key. My fingers wouldn't keep still. A larger hand suddenly came over my and slipped the keys from my hand.
"Which one is it?"
"The biggest one." I answered without looking up at him, my eyes still on his muscular, drenched hands. With ease, Shawn eased my car key from the key holder and handed the rest back to me.
"I'll get at you later." He said to me and turned to leave. I watched him walk away through the rain.
Out of nowhere, guilt started to creep within me. The strange thing was that I understood why I was guilty. He'd been so cordial and helpful with me the entire day, and I started to feel like I didn't deserve it.
"I didn't mean to hurt you." I blurted out suddenly and he stopped, his body tense, but didn't turn around.
Hugging my wet body against the cold, I continued despite myself with a quivering bottom lip, "I've spent everday for the past four years regretting it Shawn. I'm sorry."
He turned his head slightly, the rest of his body immovable. Drops of the steady tears from the sky trickled down his chin, nape, and arms, dampening his clothes.
Without another word, Shawn walked back to his car, got in, and drove off.
Not once did he look me in the eye after that. 

~0~0~0~
The next day was one of my rare days off and I decided to go out instead of being cooped up in the small, stuffy apartment. I would've gone grocery shopping if I had money, but I didn't have much this week. Even though I was working two jobs with a generous amount of tip, I'd put most, if not all of my money into my savings account to get my car fixed. Hunger roiled in my gut and I planned on just using the last little bit of money I had on a fast food meal.
Being the natural early bird that I was, I woke up and cleaned my apartment a little bit. When that got too boring I realized I had nothing else to do. I tried to sit down and read but I was way too fidgety for that. My mind was still reeling from the previous day and I suddenly needed a different environment to ruminate. So I decided to go out for an occasional stroll that day.
With my car still out of use and abandoned at Ojay's clubhouse, I had to go on foot on my leisure walk. The fear to walk the reputably perilous streets of my surroundings wasn't as much as it used to be. I now knew the places that were suitable for me to go unaccompanied and the places that weren't.
Once I stepped outside and locked my home into safety, I stood from where I was at and looked around my neighborhood. The day was gray and dewy from the rain showers that had traveled across the city overnight. Thinking of last night made a shiver go through me. I'd tried my hardest not to entertain thoughts of Shawn, especially with the image of him drenched all over in rain, looking at me with deep brown eyes...but to no successful avail. I was still surprised that we hadn't argued or bitten each other's heads off the way I thought we would have.
I was surprised that he'd understood where I was coming from, even though I shouldn't have been since it had always been so easy for him to.
Snapping out of my deep contemplations, I took time to realize that it wasn't as chilly as it had been last night. The weather was actually moderate and pretty nice. It wasn't too hot or too cold, just right. With my hands deep in my pockets, I briskly walked by the short flight of stairs at the center of the lowest floor where girls and boys usually sat, bathetically smoking the day away.
Keeping my eyes pinned straight ahead of me, I walked the wet streets of my new home. The way yesterday afternoon well into the night had gone fairly smoothly had me feeling a little bit uncomfortable and off edge. I'm not sure why. Maybe I would just have to get used to Shawn and I being cordial with one another—if by luck it would last. I was happy that we weren't arguing or clawing down each other's throats.
I was very happy.
On my walk down the streets, I came across an intersection that led to Flagstone road. As I walked by the few year old built-in fence that served to protect the basketball court, I thought of how much history I shared with this place. It still resembled its old self save the fence. Cracks on the cement, benches now old and rusty. With the clouds heavy and nearly touching the ground, it felt so strikingly familiar that a shiver run through me. Casually, I looked at the boys who were playing on the court. There'd always been something sexy about guys who played the game on the streets as opposed to being in an actual team of any sort. Something about them clad in casual, homey overrals as opposed to a fixed uniform. They all looked so good, and probably played better than those professionals on the NBA team and such.
Especially the one who had a black wifebeater with black and silver basketball shorts along with matching black, white and silver shoes. I'd only seen his back and not his face, but just from the effortless way he moved, something about him just made me tingle inside.
When he turned around quickly, dodging an opponent who leaped for the basketball. Just as he turned around, his eyes collided with mine and he faltered immediately and missed a step.
Shawn was immediately zapped out of the game he was playing and slowly stood straight as he looked squarely at me, eyes pensive, lips slightly parted, chest heaving as he tried to claim back his breaths.
I reacted the same way when I saw whom he was, tripping on my feet too but hoping it wasn't as noticeable as his. Both of us froze as though we'd been thrown into a transfixion, the world around us withdrawing. After holding in a deeply sucked breath for what seemed like an eternity, I exhaled slowly and my heart started beating the vast way it used to in highschool when I had a crush on him. He always looked so good in black. The expression on his face made him even more handsome and it was obviously one that I couldn't read.
Unashamedly, Shawn's eyes slid down my body as he licked his bottom lip and gnawed at one corner of it his top set of teeth, slowly backing up. His eyes unapologetically stopped at my mid section and sine I knew from Shawn's view I was standing sideways, it was no mystery what had him so captivated. Gulping hard, my heart skipped a bit and heat rushed to my cheeks. My knees suddenly got week as he raised his chin slowly while returning his eyes to my face, still slowly stepping back. My knees got so wobbly I had this sudden urge to cling onto the fence to keep me from falling. Why was he looking at me like that? I wished he would stop...but then why did I like it though?
The intrusive world barreled right in when one of his friends nudged him to grasp his attention. When everything else but Shawn finally came into focus, I saw his friend looking at me and smiling slyly.
Blushing profusely, I turned away from them and sped my walk to the supermarket which wasn't too far from here.
Like some gravitational force was at the basketball court, I turned around to find Shawn barely getting back into the game because he was still looking at me, and his eyes had returned to my mid section.
With flushing cheeks, I wrested my eyes away from him, but not before looking at his exposed sinewy arms.
Why after all this years did he still make my heart stop everytime I looked at him?