Some Day One Day

43

The next day began bright and early for me and as if a natural force had cajoled me into the spacious kitchen, I was there tinkering with Shawn's pots and pans. With the little I'd learned in the kitchen, I prepared breakfast the best way that I knew how in hopes that it would emerge deliciously.
Every time my hands weren't creating a portion of the meal, they were rubbing themselves against my thighs in swift yet stiff motions. I was nervous. The early morning with the sun still yet to rise was a pale blue that made the atmosphere eerie, filled with a deathly quiet that nearly drove my sanity away from me. With every other second I'd glance at the vestibule, or listen carefully for any steps from the stairs, waiting with baited breath for Shawn to come down. It was like I was a criminal on trial waiting for the judge's verdict. And in a courtroom, there's always two possibilities to an outcome-good or bad...there's never an in between, or at least that's how I thought of it.
Only Lord knew what this outcome would be-hell I didn't even think Shawn knew. As sporadic and unpredictable as he was, he probably never knew what he was going to do until the mood struck him and now all I could do was wait.
I didn't know what was best; leaving before he woke up or sticking around and thanking him as I always did for letting me stay the night and keeping my cool.
A part of me hoped that Marissa would be up by the time Shawn was so that she would give us no choice but to ignore what had happened last night. The other part of me hoped that she'd be asleep so as to not intrude both Shawn and I...but then what? What would we say to each other? My god, there was nothing to say...no scratch that, there was lots to say and then some but neither of us knew how to say it.
I was spooning some scrambled eggs onto the plastic plate where some beacon and sausage were hot and ready. Common sense told me that after all that he wouldn't want to eat anything solid after that careless act of drinking himself senseless from last night occurred but I reasoned that Marissa might have wanted a hearty breakfast. Plus, I needed something to do while my mind run an unstoppable marathon of thoughts that drove me into mad torture.
Staying with Shawn for the past few days had spoiled me. All these luxuries he gave me; the large comforting house with its constant warmth and necessities at every corner, the copiously filled fridge, the fact that I didn't have to worry about a ride to work had all taken me off of the edge that I was constantly on. Life didn't seem so hard like this. I even temporarily forgot the financial hustles and quandaries that I was faced with.
After I'd poured some coffee into a mug for myself, I was making my way to the refrigerator for the creamer only to nearly slosh scorching coffee all over myself when I saw him. He was leaning idly against the threshold with his hands stashed in sweatpants that I hadn't clothed him in last night.
His demeanor was haggard. Heavy bags weighed the skin beneath his exhausted brown eyes. He was disheveled all over and I nearly frowned sympathetically when I remembered he'd placed himself in that position. Along with that memory came other sequence of events, making my heart lurch and my face blush hotly as I remembered his weight pinning me into his mattress. As if recalling the same thing, I caught a light blush on him before he turned away from me.
Once again I felt unworthy and deprecating, being under his roof and all. I felt like I didn't belong. From the discomfort radiating from him if the reason for him sealing his lips thinly was because he was struggling to bite any words that might have rashly chased me out of his property.
Clearing my throat which had suddenly become dry, I spoke in a croakily, "Breakfast?"
If I weren't watching him so closely I wouldn't have caught on to the faint shaking of his head.
Feeling awkward just standing there before him, I mustered my feet carefully towards the fridge, "I-I never heard you come down the stairs."
I was referring to the ones anointed the 'back stairs' at one far corner of the kitchen.
Mumbling something incoherent to me, probably because his tongue held the same weight as that of a killer whale, Shawn trudged into the kitchen lackadaisically, his sweats doing his tiled floor the deed of sweeping them as he carried along. I knew his coming down here wasn't to intimidate and enjoy getting a rise out of me.
Plopping heavily into one of his all white kitchen chairs with his elbows levered on the dining table, Shawn groaned an agonizing sound, holding his head in his hands like it was about to explode.
"See this is why everyone warned you not to drink." I monished him, returning the creamer that I'd purloined from the fridge after pouring a generous amount into my cup of coffee. Temporarily setting my mug on the counter, I run my sweaty palms down my hips again. When I caught site of Shawn acknowledging the movement, a nervous flair went through and I blushed once again, wringing my fingers nervously for lack of knowing what to do next. When I remembered how I'd held him and the fervent words I'd whispered candidly, I wanted to run out of the room and hide.
"Do you want anything?" I asked him when the kitchen got to quiet and he murmured inaudibly once again, "Huh?"
"No." he barked in vexation and I rolled my eyes at him, setting the plate I'd made for Marissa aside before picking up my cup of coffee.
"Geesh," I wrinkled my nose like a foul smell lingered, "Not my fault that you're talking like you got a bunch of balls stuffed in your mouth. I can't understand a word your saying." I murmured through the corner of tight lips. He cut his eyes at me and I ignored him discreetly. Just to add insult to injury I turned to him and sprinkled him a sugary smile. That earned me ominous brown eyes before he winced again, reposing his head on his folded arms the way he would in highschool during English class after a long night of work.
My attempt at making things someway between normal and comfortable was dampened when the awkwardness of our situation seeped through the cracks of my insecurities. Things were just so strange right now and I had a feeling they'd only get stranger.
I still couldn't tell whether or not he was mad at me about last night. Had leaving been a good idea? Well maybe because he might've thrown himself out of his bedroom window waking up to the sight of me beside him.
Then again he might have...
I erased the thought before it could take form.
"Well good riddens then, I've got to get going to work." Even as I said the words, I didn't know how in heaven's name I was going to get to work. I would have to take the train but that meant walking miles to get to the subway. Then the thought of backbreaking labor for eight hours and more dimmed my world with familiar depression but I toughened up and authorized myself to suck it up already.
"Take my keys." Shawn grumbled coarsely under his breath, his words like a splash of unexpected icy cold water that made my gait come to a cessation. Earlier in the morning I'd placed Shawn's keys on his nightstand when I remembered I still had them. He must've seen them first thing when he woke up because I placed them on the side I knew he was notorious for sleeping on.
"What did you say?" I inclined closer to him as though I'd misheard, all the while longing to wrap my arms around those firm shoulders and kiss his pretty little head just to make him feel better.
"My keys. Upstairs. In my room. " the last set of words sounded so deafeningly personal that the effect was an electrical charge zipping from my center outward.
"No Shawn. That's fine. I can take care of myself-"
"My keys...are upstairs..." he murmured with mustered patience.
"I dont want to use--"
"Take the car Bey." he finalized and his tone was hard enough to make my words scuttle back down my throat canal.
He'd called me by the nickname he'd made for me a second time. Last night was the first. I'd overlooked it when he said it maybe because my mind whirred with many different things. I hadn't noticed it until I was slipping snugly into the guestroom's king sized bed and the realization hit my like a sledgehammer.
What could it have meant? Was he not mad at me for what had happened last night? Or did he just not care? Maybe he didn't remember? Was I overreacting? Yes I was, but considering Shawn's ziggy zaggy methods, how could I not?
"Aren't you gonna be late?" Shawn's scruffy voice tore through my thoughts, nearly making me jump.
"What about work?" I spewed objectionately.
"That's what I'm talking about." Shawn tilted his head slightly so that I could view one eye of his and from that eye alone I could see he was terribly annoyed.
"No I meant what about you? Don't you have work to go to?"
"Imma call in sick."
Lightning must have struck me mercilessly because the way I stiffened and the large way my eyes opened would've been deemed over exaggerated by a third party.
"Shawn?" I gasped, "Calling in sick? Word?"
"Okay. A nigga got jokes." he murmured as he shifted, leaning into his chair casting a grave expression my way. Even then with the top half of his body curved giving him the respect of a lazy bum, he was still a sexy beast.
"I wasn't joking," I kept my features neutral to show how serious I was, "Since when do you call in sick."
"Since I became a human being...the fuck kind of question is that?"
"The type from a surprised human being. I'm just shocked that's all."
Then after quietly staring at each other for a while with me trying to soak it in, I continued, "Holy fuck...You're calling in sick..."
"You funny Beyonce. Real funny. Now go away. Your voice is giving me a headache." he shoed me off like I was one of those annoying flies that wont leave shit alone and got up with measured movements, as if making the wrong one would make him pulverize.
"Oh my gosh I'm going to tell everyone about this." I felt a smile curling the corner of my lips.
"Ion' give two shits." when I saw the cupboards where he was headed to, I spoke up.
"The water and aspirin are beside the sink." I told him what I knew he was thinking and when he froze, muttered a curse word under his breath and whipped around to look at me in shock I smiled at him.
"Oh," I caught the abounding embarrassment on his face before he shielded it by turning away swiftly with an emotionless, 'thanks'.
With my coffee mug in tow, I made my way upstairs, a smile playing on my lips and my heart palpitating loud against my chest. After downing my coffee I'd taken a hurry shower and was ready for work quicker than the blink of an eye. Everytime I thought about creeping into his bedroom I'd feel naughty and my cheeks would be set aflame...so as my womanhood.
Once fully ready, I stepped out into the hallway and upon habit checked on Marissa who was fast asleep. Back in the hallway, I glanced at the thinly open crack of Shawn's bedroom door wondering if he was in there or not. I was reluctant at first but the thought of walking all that way only to take the train made me thrash my pride aside with my feet making their own way to his room. My trek was seized by some shuffling sounds that came from there. Not only pride but shame snaked up my spine once again and I turned around and went downstairs with a heavy heart. I was already using his house; I couldn't afford to use his car too.
Moving quietly, I made my way out of his house and for a split second enjoyed the view of the sun peaking over the horizon with a lone star hanging a few ways above it. Tiptoeing down the front steps, I walked further down the pebble walkway and when I spotted his black sports car, a strange kind of guilt struck me, making me miss a step. Reflexively, I looked around me in hopes that no one had seen me trip during my occasional watching I looked back at the house. A small, startled yelp left my mouth when I saw Shawn glancing down at me from the balcony, arms folded over the ridge.
Time stopped and so did everything else when the warmth of the rising sun colored Shawn's features and highlighted the bulges of his arm . My heart leaped and butterflies fluttered in my gut. The look in his tired eyes was as warm and inviting as the sun and a small smirk lifted his lips as he stood up straight.
Blushing profusely, I spun on my loafers and started to leave again. Maybe, just maybe he hadn't seen me fall, or even worse, noticed that I hadn't taken his keys.
"Aye!"
Clutching my eyes tightly shut in annoyance, shoulders rigid from irritation and teeth gritting from both of those emotions rolled in one, I turned to him with feigned innocuousness.
"Hmm?"
"You forgot something." Shawn pulled something that made chinkling sounds and tossed them over to me never heralding a warning and without much of a choice caught whatever was thrown to me when it was at a close radius.
"I'll see you later. Oh yeah...watch your step iight." those were Shawn's last words before he turned and walked into the house.
As confused as I was about everything, I couldn't help the smile that crept up my face...the kind of smile that sneaks up on you no matter how hard you try to tell yourself that there's truly nothing to smile about.
~0~0~0~

"Please tell me ya'll fucked."
The lipstick that I was holding cluttered onto the make up kit set atop the bathroom dresser and I shot Angie an annoyed look. All I'd been thinking about related to that damn word 'fuck' and hearing Angie say it singed my ears.
Right after we were through rehearsing, Angie had grabbed me and hauled me into the bathroom without an explanation. Used to Angie's abruptness, I'd calmly sat on the vanity stool and began tinkering with her make up, waiting for her to spill whatever had urged her to hold me hostage in here.
I'd expected her to start blabbering about some new sex trick Ojay had tried on her last night, or some gossip about one of the bride's maids or anyone else that was here for the rehearsal, but I'd never expected her to say something so...so vulgar. All throughout rehearsal she'd been giving both Shawn and I wistful glances with excited smiles attached. I hadn't answered any of her calls all week not because I was annoyed by her but for once it was because of my own grievances.
Everytime I'd come across Shawn for the remainder of the week, he distanced himself from me. He didn't look me in the eye for too long, and it dawned on me that he went out of his way to stay out of mine by rarely being home. The night that I found out he took Gerald and Kellaine out left me feeling bereft and hurt beyond reason. I'd almost forgotten that she existed and that he still tried to play a key role in Gerald's life.
Today was Saturday and for a while it had gone pretty smoothly. The excitement of a wedding approaching filled the spring air and we all shared Angie's enthusiasm. I thought I would be uneasy and out of place being around relatives whom I'd shunned for years, but for the most part they were receptive of me-even if it was all just for the sake of politeness. I did notice that boy wonder over on the other side of the room was pretty aloof. He didn't interact much, only when interacted with. He held a cool expression on his face the entire time but still channeled courteous manners whenever approached. Something was bothering him and when I'd walked up to ask him what, he'd smiled wryly at me and told me nothing.
Even when rehearsal was over and everyone was just hanging out, I stuck around by him. We talked like normal folks, laughed like friends would, even poked fun at other people like we were partners in crime born to make trouble but...something didn't feel right.
There were many instances of awkward quiescence.
He was uncomfortable around me and I knew it must've been because he remembered how much he'd revealed that night.
Since Shawn, Marissa and I had all come together, we were all supposed to leave at once but Marissa wanted to stay at Ojay's and Angie's to be with the dog she'd fallen in love with. She even said she thoroughly enjoyed her time earlier in the week when we'd stopped by and decided she wanted to stay over for the weekend. I knew that going to the park to meet Dreux the following day was something she was overtly excited about and couldn't wait for.
Despite Shawn's overbearing ways Angie shut him up stating that she and Ojay were more than pleased to have Marissa over. Angie's mother had come over for the rehearsal and would be staying in with Marissa while we all left for the party. She usually didn't like staying up and I knew we'd all be up until the sun started creeping up the horizon.
It was visibly obvious that part of Shawn's reason for not wanting his sister to leave was because it would mean him and I would be alone in his house on Saturday.
Without telling him, I made plans to go back home that night after the surprise party we were holding for him at Ojay's up and coming club. 

"Well?!" So much anticipation gushed from her like a waterfall.
"You're a mess Angie..." I shook my head dismally.
"So ya'll did?!" she squawked.
"No!" I told her emphatically, my cheeks flaming when an image of two naked bodies sweating as they clung together flashed my mind.
"Then why are you glowing? And why does he keep looking at you like that?"
"Ain' nobody glowing here but your pregnant ass. And he was looking at me like he was looking at every other girl. It wasn't anything special."
As I spoke, I checked my reflection in the mirror again. My hair had grown right above my shoulder and I had to trim the front portion of it to level with the rest of my hair. As I examined myself in the mirror, I couldn't help but admit that Angie's words held some truth in them. There was something different about me. I'd been on cloud nine for the past few days, smiling more than often and no matter how hard I tried to deny it Shawn was strangely the reason.
"Hey I'm thinking of putting in some brown highlights in my hair instead of making it jet black again, what do you think?" I asked Angie hoping that she would catch on and change the subject, absently clamping my thighs tightly together on the stool where a tingle had began. Everytime I thought about Shawn I got so aroused to the point where I just wanted to cry of frustration.
A part of me asked me why I was being such a fool and restricting myself from him. Another part of me asked me if I was foolish enough to just go ahead and give myself to him when I knew what the situation was. Then another part told me to just suck it up, risk ruining the somewhat comfortable state we were in, and go force him to talk about the issue so that we could get the hell on with our lives instead of living with all these damn surprises.
"Okay so what happened that night you and Shawn went home?"
Ignoring Angie's tenacity, I picked up the lipstick that complimented the stilettos I'd borrowed from Angie's wardrobe. Along with that I'd scrounged up a black summer dress with a material so thin it was sinful. I truly liked it though and it complimented my figure more than anything else hang in her closet.
I'd been saving up every penny so that I could get Shawn a gift so I couldn't really afford to get myself anything for the occassion, which is why I borrowed Angie's clothes.
"Any drunken fucking?" she pressed.
"No!"
"Lies! He was on to you. And we all know how ol' boy gets when he's drunk...man I'll never forget what you told me happened that night-"
"Angie!"
"So he didn't lay that monster dick of his on you?"
My mouth went slack and glaring at her reflection through the mirror wasn't enough so I'd turned in my seat to shoot bullets at her, "Since when did you know he had a monster...thingie?"
Angie pursed her lips and folded her arms with a tilt of her head.
"Since you told me he had one," a sly smile began to waver her lips, "Not to mention that hurricane tongue you're always talking about."
"Oh Angie please stop it." I buried my face in my hands and swiveled in the stool with my hands resting on the dressing table. Just thinking about how I knew Shawn put that tongue to work got me dizzy and more than frustrated.
Remembering Shawn's words made me jittery inside like a little catholic-school going girl who had just done some nasty things with the rowdy boy of town that every girl dreamed of getting with but didn't have the guts.
"Angie..." I began nervously and bit my lip before glancing at her in the mirror.
"Huh?"
I hesitated, but I would explode if I didn't share with anyone what words he'd hurled my way.
"Girl can you believe he said that he was going to get so far up in my...um, in me that I would feel his...stuff...against my heart?"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Shhh!!" I pleaded harshly, shooting alarming darts at the door but calmed by the fact that the only inhabitants of the house were Angie's mother and Marissa. Ojay had goaded an oblivious Shawn into a night on the town so that we could prepare appropriately for the party.
"What's going on in there?" Aunt Meagan yelped.
"Nothing auntie!" I yelped back, stinging Angie's arm with a well-deserved smack as she gaped and squealed all at once, "It's your daughter just being your daughter."
"Well you two need to calm it down in there!"
"Yes ma'am." I called to her before nudging Angie tritely and speaking in harsh whispers, "can't you get any louder? Wait wait, don't answer that. Got damn it Angie!"
"No the fuck he did not tell you that!" the amazement shimmering Angie made me overflow with excitement against my own will.
"Shut up. grr..." when the smile I was trying to ward away became too oppressive I turned away from Angie so that she wouldn't see my smile of chagrin.
"Oh my god. If he aint in your shit already Bey? Any day now. Any fucking day now Beyonce."
"Shut up." the thought alone made me hot.
"Man the way you used to describe Shawn's sex game, I wish I wouldn't have slapped him that time he tried to holla at me."
Angie's words made me forget about my own woes and I burst out laughing. Before I really started paying attention to Shawn and before we ever really talked, he'd tried to get at Angie. Angie had a reputation for being really friendly, so at some party Shawn had kissed her and in the process grabbed her ass, winning him a good smack on the cheek that had him realizing he'd stepped on the wrong field and would never step there again.
"I still don't know why you slapped him." I said after I'd calmed down from my laughing high, priming myself up.
"Cause you know how Derrick was. If he saw me kissing one of the school's finest do you know what would've happened?"
Angie's words made me frown and then again I was reminded how she was blind in one eye. Sometimes I forgot because one wouldn't really notice since she didn't look like it and she never really complained about it. The thought of Derrick hurting her still bubbled my insides with scorching anger. If he hadn't run off and started living in the shadows I would've killed him with my own bare hands.
"Yeah," I sighed, "You heard anything on that lowlife lately?"
"Nope. Now back to you...how can you live with something that fine and not have done anything yet?"
Lowering my eyes at Angie through the mirror, closed the cap of her lipstick and placed it neatly in the make up kit before addressing her.
"Okay first of all we're not living together. I'm just staying there temporarily." I had yet to tell Angie and Ojay about the gunshots, and thankfully Shawn hadn't either. Knowing how they overreacted when it came to my neighborhood, I wasn't going to tell them just so I could save my ears.
"And secondly," I added promptly before she could keep on instigating "Shawn isn't a 'fine thing' okay...he's a human being. Now shut up and lets get ready." As I added the last two words I smiled lopsidedly remembering his excuse for calling in sick on the day of his hangover.
"Either you're lying to me," Angie stood up from the lid of the toilet seat she sat on and picked at some eye shadow from her well established kit, "or you and Shawn are into playing games."
"Nobody is playing games. Well," I paused for thought, "maybe he is but I'm trying to play it safe."
She must've detected the seriousness in my tone because she paused from applying the golden shade to her eyelid and glanced at me somberly through the mirror. .
"What do you mean?" she asked and I hesitated before confiding in her.
"Angie, Shawn and I haven't even talked about what went down or, or what we're going to do from here. He just suddenly started being...nice. Almost like old times you know?"
"Suddenly?" Angie made a strange face, "You're sure nothing brought it on?"
I bit my lip in conviction realizing that Shawn's change of heart resulted from the bulletholes in my room, or so I thought. Still, I decided to leave that little bit of information unspoken for.
"It was just a sudden thing. Ever since my car stopped working he's been real helpful. In fact I was thinking about it today-Shawn knows everything about cars yet he's let my car sit in his driveway for more than a week. I don't think he's even made an attempt to check it out." I was about to tell her that he even let me use his car, but then I realized that if I did say it, I'd be making it a bigger deal than it truly was. Shawn had always been a good Samaritan-go figure. I could've been his worst enemy and he would've let me use his car out of the kindness of his heart. Wait, wasn't I in fact his worst enemy?
"Hmmm," Angie's thoughtful humming insculped into my thoughts.
"What..." I asked awkwardly wondering what thoughts she harbored.
"Oh nothing," she feigned banalness with a cheesy smile as she painted coral on her lips before speaking a million miles a minute like those guys at auctions, "Funny how people act so dumb and blind when love is staring them right in the face."
"What?" I pressed frustratingly Angie turned to me with an indolent smile, shaking her head insistently.
Then what she was trying to say finally hit me.
"Look, he's not doing any of this because he loves me." saying the words made me feel strange all over. Shawn and love were the furthest thing from each other when it came to me. Funny how in the past if someone had asked me the definition of love, my answer would be Shawn Corey Carter.
"Shawn is just genuinely a nice guy." I started rambling when her words sunk in and stuck.
"Why of course he is Beyonce," she picked up blush on a brush and feathered it lightly on my cheeks, "I'm sure you are just such a genuinely nice girl too."
Returning her make up where it belonged, Angie gave me no time to ponder over her sarcasm, pulled me off of the stool and started dragging me along with her.
"Now let's get ready for this party...no holding back alright? It may be Shawn's birthday, but I want you to have the time of your life too."
When I opened my mouth as a protest seized me, only because I was accustomed to depriving myself of any merriment and not because I truly didn't want to have fun, Angie raised a gangly finger to her lips to silence me.
"Nope. Shh. Shut up. Not gonna hear it. It's been a long time coming and you deserve it."