Some Day One Day

53

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The moment I stepped the through the automatic paned doors of the hospital, I took a few steps forward and gazed towards the heavens. Endless drab gray clouds stonewalled what was supposed to be a sun and a blithesome blue sky.
For the past two weeks we'd all been at the hospital due to my father's cardiac arrest. His second heart attack. His second brush with death.
They'd done surgery on him and gave us the prognosis that he was well on his way to recovery. He was still admitted in the hospital and would be out soon. Due to the surgery that had dissected his chest in half he'd be on bed rest for a while.
My mother, sister, and Angie's mom were all in his room. They'd all advised me to leave and get some rest since I was the one who'd gotten the least amount of sleep amongst all of them. My mother was so gone that she wasn't even pinning to find out whether I was really going to get rest or not. That didn't mean she didn't throw a cautionary look my way when I was at the door.
I was too emotionally drained to fight with her and she appeared too overwrought to argue too.
I'd spent the past two weeks by his side, holding onto his hand so that he wouldn't slip away from me. The only time I left was to force some food down my throat so that I wouldn't faint or to take a shower and change clothes. There were fitful naps in between that didn't really help me get the rest I needed. Everytime I gazed at my father I wondered if the reason he frowned everytime he looked at me ever since they caught us in the hotel was because his heart was hurting. I couldn't help but feel like I was to blame for all of this chaos from Shawn's arrest to this. Weeks ago I'd been wishing they'd burn in hell when here my father was swinging between the gates of life and death.
I guess it's true what they say: be careful what you wish for.
This other famous saying I've learned is quit true: love is blind.
My father's life was deteriorating right before my eyes and there I was concerned about my own well-being and my own happiness. I'd always thought this wasn't taking a toll on anyone but myself and although the doctor confirmed to us that the attack had occurred because of previous problems he may have been having, it didn't dissuade the fact that it happened right after I'd said those words.
Such things like those, in my mind, couldn't be forgiven. I was certain that I would live with guilt in my heart and mind forever from that point on.
That wasn't the only thing that troubled me.
The issue between Shawn and I was now an unspoken one amongst family members. It seemed, or almost seemed sort of...unimportant compared to what was currently going on. This heart attack of my father unfortunately gave me perspective of everything; thus making my past convictions nothing but uncertainties. The things that made sense before didn't make sense now.
As much as I thought I hated my mother...at the end of the day...she was still my mother. She was the woman who'd given me life. Maybe she was doing this for my own good...
I shook the thought out of my mind.
To see her so crestfallen in tears, something I rarely ever saw her with, was enough to make me regret that acrimony I felt towards her.
Deep down inside I knew that at the end of all this, my father was still my father and my mother was still my mother.
Shawn was still the one I loved...but...
Right before the thought could manifest itself a wet pearl of rain landed beside my top lip. The murky cumulonimbus clouds were about to produce a shower, but I didn't let that cower me back inside the building.
A couple more haphazard steps and I was standing at the top step Shawn and I had shared almost a year ago. Who would've thought that something that started so innocently would end up like this? I didn't. I don't think anybody did.
Reaching for my phone in my jacket pocket, I called a familiar number that I knew by heart.
"Hello?" Marissa cautiously answered the phone. Just hearing her was enough to make my insides burn torturously. Still, I reckoned it gave me more relief than if he'd been the one to answer. He'd probably heave question after question as to why I hadn't spoken to him for three weeks.
"Hey Marissa sweety." I tried my best not to let my voice crack, but found that I couldn't uplift my voice. I sounded dull and passive.
"Hello. Who are you?" Marissa's question startled me into silence.
"Hello?" she continued obliviously.
"It's me. Beyonce."
"Really? You don't sound like Beyonce..."
I cleared my throat hoping stop the ache that had mystified my voice would evaporate, "No it's me."
"Beyonce!" Marissa's merry voice graced through the phone line. I hadn't spoken to her ever since prom night. From the looks of it she had no idea what was going on between Shawn and I.
"When are you coming over?" she asked reproachfully.
"uh..." my heart began to race when I remembered the long discussion I had had with my mother earlier that day.
"Shawn misses you Bey. What's going on? You don't call us no more. You don't come here no more."
Though it had only been three weeks since I'd spoken to Shawn, it felt like more. Before I could speak Marissa saved grace by continuing.
"We need to have ice cream and talk about boys." She continued gleefully. I couldn't take it.
"Yes we could," I inhaled deeply trying to erase the convulsing of my voice, "Hey, Is Shawn there?"
"Yes he's here. Shawn!!" she started calling out to him.
"No don't call him," I said haltingly, my hand over my chest where my heart rattled, "Just tell him to meet me today at six today? If he can..."
"Meet you where?"
"He knows where. Love you"
Before she could respond I hang up and shoved my phone back into my jacket pocket, fished for the shades not really needed for such a dull day. Casting them over my eyes, I stared at a world that seemed endless ahead of me even though deep down inside I felt like my life had already come to a halt. Taking a deep breath to ward off the pain that tugged my heart since I felt I had no reason to feel any empathy for myself, I threw my hood over my head before stuffing my hands into my pockets and began walking. 

Aimlessly, I started to walk away from the hospital grounds. I had a couple of hours to kill before sunset and resting would not be one of my options. My heart was beating at a speedy rate that left me too restless to relax. I took the train to get me from one point to another, not really caring where I was headed. I was also just taking one last glance at the place I'd grown up before I left for good.
Running away for me was no longer an option. I felt I no longer had any more options. Everything that I was meant to do was already mapped out and set in point. I knew how I was going to live my life from now own. Whether they were on my terms or someone else's didn't matter anymore.
I was taking a stroll by the basketball court where I'd first fawned over Shawn until he got tired of me. These were the streets he'd outlawed me from coming into but I'd persistently come in with the rebellion of a hardheaded rascal. A sad wistful smile crossed my face when I recalled falling on top of him on the metal bleachers with him wrapping me in his arms and me getting all hyped up and enchanted about it. I turned to look straight ahead only for my smile to be wiped out at what lay in the distance. My eyes had landed right along Twenty-fourth Street and struck me with two conflicting presumptions-the hope that I had truly seen him and the hope that my mind was playing tricks on me and I truly hadn't. A tall figure stood by a bunch of other guys but of course he stood out the most like a gleaming gem clustered by nothing but dust. It was Shawn. My heart stopped. The man standing in front of him was bulky and potbellied. He was speaking to Shawn but the look on Shawn's face said that he wasn't particularly listening to whatever was being said. He wore a small frown and his eyes were searching. Assertively he began to shake his head before muttering some more words that made the other man's shoulder's sag. I longed to know what was being said, but the moment his searching gaze aimed in my direction I turned my head sharply. With this hood over my head to hide me from him, I no longer wondered why he used to wear one all the time.
He didn't want to be seen and as opposed to my usually showy self I didn't want to be seen.
Fearing that he would notice who I was, I turned around and started a haste walk the other way.
It was shocking to me that I dreaded the man who I used to hound like a stray dog back in the day. As I escaped to the nearest bus stop I came by something that for some reason on that day in particular latched and stuck to my mind like a parasite clamping its fangs on its host. Someone rather disheveled, their attire tattered and worn, their face haggard and distraught, sat by a littered pavement. In panicky speed they rubbed their arms, their troubled beady eyes darting every which way as though in search for two things-a way out or something to keep them alive until they got that something. For some reason the sight was nightmarish because they appeared under demonic possession, in dire need of something that they needed desperately; something that they couldn't live without.
I couldn't help but feel not only sorrow but also disgust for them.
How could someone throw their lives away like that just for a mere substance when there were many other ways to heal the pains that everyday life brought?
An unsettling coldness settled in my gut when I felt like I was looking at a mirror image of myself, wondering if that was how I appeared to the world when I was adamant about not being able to live my life without Shawn in it.
About an hour or so later when I'd soullessly returned to the metropolitan area, I came across the antique where Angie worked. Her mother owned the shop as part of something to do on the side and that's where Angie worked. While mooting with myself for a while over whether to go in or not, she spotted me not giving me much of a choice to decide for myself. When she waved me over, I reluctantly went in.
"Hey sweety. You good?" she rounded the counter to give me a hug. Her coworker who I was familiar with greeted me and I reciprocated half-hazardously, returning Angie's hug.
When we pulled back, the smile slowly erased from her bright face.
"How's Dad doing?" she asked with a deep frown.
"Fine."
"How are you?"
"I'm good. You?" I tried my best to put at least a shred of emotion in my voice but it wasn't working.
"Girl Shawn came in earlier looking for you." She informed me instead and I stiffened.
"Beyonce what's going on?" she pressed when I said nothing, "He's always coming to me or Ojay looking for you...said you haven't spoken to him in weeks."
"Nothing," I hedged, "Nothing's going on."
Angie gave me a disbelieving gaze that I didn't fight off . Right now I was too spent to fight anyone off.
Just to placate her, I added, "I'm gonna go see him in a bit."
Briefly Angie glanced at my hands but tore her eyes away with a painful look on her face. The last time we spoke we got into a heated argument over me slitting my wrist. She was angry at me for doing it and I was angry at her for making me realizing how blinded this entire situation was making me.
"Alright..." she murmured.
Angie and I talked a bit more, neither of us really into the conversation. Eventually I left her to her work and went for another excursion around the town. Matching my own sadness the dark clouds began to emit rain in a heavy downpour that forced me to take shelter.
Fortuitously I was by my favorite diner and took heed in there, never once pushing the hood over my head even though I had a roof to shield me from the rain. After buying myself a shake in hopes to comfort me, I naturally headed for the back of the diner where Shawn and I would always hide away from the intrusive world, locked in each other's embrace. Then I retracted my steps when the realization that we'd probably never do that again struck me. Sitting there would only make the decision that I'd already made waver, so I opted for a booth elsewhere that still gave me a good view of the ongoing rain shower outdoors.
I was sipping meagerly at the shake I'd purchased, reluctantly waiting for six o'clock to arrive when I heard some familiar voice filter the diner.
"Nah she be trippin' over the dumbest shit I swear. Sometimes...man, I don't know. Makes me wonder if all this drama is even worth it." Ojay's plaintive voice rang throughout the diner.
"Man quit complaining," the listener of his comment murmured in response, "You're going to long for those times when they're all gone."
I knew whose voice that belonged to. I shivered when the deepness of it patted my ears.
As though realizing his complaints were those of a spoiled little brat, Ojay didn't say anything. Against my will I keenly tried to listen to them as their voices drifted far away. Damn it, of all times for them to come into the diner. I truly hoped that today wasn't going to be one of those days where I run into Shawn everywhere I went. Just as I was plotting my escape out of the diner, their voices increased in volume once again and what was being said stuck me where I was already seated.
"Yo...where the fuck is my girl at though?" Shawn seemed to be asking the world yet at the same time didn't expect an answer from anyone.
"You really miss her huh." Ojay's voice had sobered from its previously vexed state.
"Are you kidding me? Feels like I'm going crazy son. I keep seeing her everywhere I go then I realize I'm trippin', just seeing things."
Ojay made a commiserating sound that showed he really felt for his friend but he said nothing more as though he knew at this point and time words were for the birds. With curiosity killing me I searched for their whereabouts only to find them obliviously passing me by to sit on the table behind me. My immediate reaction was to get up and jet but with the realization I was incognito and unnoticed to them a stronger part of me lured me into sitting put and eavesdropping.
"I don't know what's up though. She told Marissa to tell me to meet her somewhere at six or something...but she ain' wanna speak to me. She just wants us to meet at that time. Sup with that?"
"I don't know man. I try callin' her but she wont pick up."
"It's her parents," Shawn sputtered bitterly, "They stay cock blockin' and shit."
"Come on man, her dad just had a heart attack. She's probably still shaken about that."
Shawn was quiet a moment before speaking, "Angie spoken to her yet? Does she know how she's handling that?"
Ojay was reluctant to answer, "Yeah she spoken to her. She said Beyonce is just mad quiet."
Shawn sucked his teeth, "Man...I don't know..."
"You wishing you went on that trip home huh?" Ojay asked with a chuckle.
"Not really. What am I gonna go back to anyway?" the same silence that came up whenever he talked about the hurricane arose, "They ain' found nobody really. I know if I go back I wont be able to come back cause all imma spend my time doing is helping other people who never gave a damn about me. I don't want Marissa and Jude to be around that shit. 'Specially Moms...all she's gonna do is try look for my dad when she knows he's gone."
"Is that the only reason why you ain' leaving?" Ojay asked, shortening the silence that had followed.
"If you mean I ain' leaving because of Beyonce then you're right." He said indubitably. There was some irritation to Shawn's voice as he said the words and I got the impression he was really getting tired of trying to defend our union.
Oh god...I wish he would stop...
I'd never experienced so much pain in my heart.
"Look, I'm saying this because I love both of ya'll like family alright?" Ojay said, "But she's holding you back-"
"Here we go again with that shit."
"Nah Shawn you need to start listening to folks. You and her both. Ya'll don't listen to anybody anymore. I'm not saying it's her fault. Let me take back my statement. Her parents her holding you back. I don't know what stunt you and Beyonce were trying to pull or how you ended up in jail but things are getting crazy."
"And why are they getting crazy? It's cause of everybody else. Not us."
Ojay said nothing after that.
"If it was you and Angie, what would you do?"
Ojay's silence gave Shawn his answer.
"Even if I got the chance to go back home, I'm not going anywhere without shorty. That's it. There's nothing else to it. Just cause shit is tight and rough right now, I'm not giving up on her that easy."
My head began to pound. He really did take those vows seriously. He had meant every oath he'd taken.
"But her parents man," Ojay offered softly, "They're willin' to do anything to keep ya'll apart."
"And I'm willing to do anything to keep us together."
"Her mom ain' no joke."
"Good cause I ain' ever tried to joke with her."
Ojay said nothing.
"If they wanna fight, then I'm down. You know me, I don't give up that easy."
"That's the problem Shawn, you can't win all the time."
A silence that showed Shawn was thinking about that comment followed. Even though I couldn't see him, I could paint a picture of what his posture may have been in my mind. He was probably leaned back against the vinyl booth with his elbow perched on the windowsill and his hand to his chin while he gazed introspectively out of the window.
"I understand," Shawn finally spoke in a quiet voice, "I know that I can't win all the time. But, thing about that is...knowing that...isn't enough to stop me."
The surprise radiating off of Ojay was enough to scorch me to feel it too.
When Shawn spoke next, his voice was like a quiet storm.
"Everybody else might think I'm dumb as fuck. Forget might, they probably do think I'm stupid. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind, but imma just be honest and say this once and for all...I love that girl. It's that simple. I love her. Now you know niggas don't go around admitting that shit, but you're my brother O. I'm telling you this shit whether I'm the dumbest nigga to walk this earth, whether you agree with what I'm doing, whether you don't care, I'm just telling you for the last time I explain why I'm willing to go through whatever shit is presented to me...I love that girl.
"Right now...the only thing that can keep me away from her, is her. Even if God forbid this thing doesn't work out...I know imma be loving her till the day I stop breathing. So ya'll can stop trying to change my mind...cause no matter what anyone says, I ain' finna change..."
Like the hammer of persistence had just struck my body I stiffened when the painful aftermath of his words struck me. No longer could I place myself in a zone and lock my feelings inside. Like an atomic bomb imploded inside of me tears exploded out of my eyes. I had to bite my lip to strangle my whimper.
"What would you do though? If she did decide to end things?"
Shawn was quiet for a few seconds, "To be honest I don't know. I don't think she would though...not after all the shit we've had to go through."
My god he sounded so confident! So sure! Those insecurities he used to have weren't there even after what had been happening the past few weeks. Even after me not calling him for a while he still found it in him to believe in me and what we had. I wasn't used to anyone believing in me for anything and now I didn't know what to do.
"I feel you. Just do what you got to do though. Don't lose yourself." Ojay told him.
Unable to take it anymore, I slipped out of my booth and with my head hanging low and my shades secured over my eyes I sneaked out of the diner.
When I got outside and rushed to the corner, I allowed myself to breakdown and brace myself for what I was about to do.