Bad Habits ↠ Luke H.

10

[Charlotte]

I felt like I lived the same day all over again. Go to therapy, take pills, eat, and take more pills. It was all just the same process all the time. I've been getting a little use to the Timezone here in Australia after being here for a while. I haven't contacted Jenni either because I'm not the type to contact someone first. If they don't contact me then I guess they don't need me.

I was just standing by the window watching what's outside the window again at my therapy session. I usually do this now a days since I don't want to open my mouth up and my therapist just blabs on about stupid stuff of how I'm depressed and I need to open up to someone or its going eat me out alive.

I also figured out her name. Her names Karen which I had no desire on asking for. She just mentioned it when I first met her but I never acknowledged it.

"Can you please tell me how your feeling today?" Karen asked sitting down on the couch she usually sat at. I really never tell her how I feel. But now that I'm starting to see that I'm stuck here and she's my only option I'm trying my best to find ways to open up to her. I'm just not good at explaining how I feel. I feel like if I do, they'd think I'm loosing my mind.

"I had a nightmare." I said still my eyes staring out the window. Last night I had a nightmare that kind of freaked me out. I never really had them as much because of the flashbacks. I guess it cancelled them out but last night was a first and it was weird.

"Can you tell me about it?" Karen asked.

"It was me." I began. "It was me yelling at someone in a car, I couldn't see the faces, they were blurred out, and then right there everything flashed in front of my eyes. The car rolling, the windows breaking, my heart racing, it was scary." I sighed turning my visions to my hands. I just get different representations about every thing in my past. First with flashbacks and now nightmares. It's to much for me to handle and sometimes I wish I can end all of it.

"It's okay to feel scared." Karen said standing up and slowly making her way to me. "It's a lot to take in. I know it's really hard charlie, but you can talk to me."

"I feel depressed." I stated finally looking up at her. "I feel scared, alone, hurt, downcasted, broken I can go on for a really long time." I sighed making my way to the couch I usually sat at.

Karen stayed silent for a moment but then made her way to me again. "I understand you." She said sitting next to me.

"How can you understand me? No one can understand." I shook my head. She couldn't understand she doesn't know how it feels to loose 3 really important people in your life. She doesn't know how it feels to blame myself every time for it. She just doesn't.

"Charlie, im going to tell you a story." Karen began. "And it's because I want you to see that you can trust me." She sighed tilting in her seat so she can look at me better. "I was out with a couple friends when I was around your age, and my sister wanted to come alone so I let her. I was the one driving the car, and we were drunk. We were just having fun. It was two of my best friends that I had for such a long time, and my sister like I said, then I was to busy texting my boyfriend I had back then. I knew I shouldn't have drove but I did ." Karen started explaining it a little harder for her to speak each time. "Then there was this other car going our direction, so I swerved of the road causing me to crash, I was the only one that made it threw. So I understand you, I understand how it feels to loose someone, I know how it feels to blame yourself every day, I get the pain." She said looking down at her lap.

I guess she did understand what I went threw and still am going threw. I really felt bad for her. She shouldn't have been drunk and driving. Even though I hate to think it, it was her fault.

"When will the pain leave?" I asked breaking the silence.

"I'm going to be honest with you." Karen said sitting back in her seat. "It doesn't ever just go away, you just learn how to live with it, because life does go on charlie, if you spend your life hurting over the past nothing ever good would come from the future, let's just put it as its all up to you."

Those words just hit me harder then I would of thought. I hoped one day I could stop this pain I feel everyday but I guess it doesn't ever stop. I get what she means but it's so hard to let go of someone that was such a big part of your life.

"That sucks." I sigh letting my face drop to my hands.

"It's a healing point, and you'll reach yours one day." Karen assured.

After a while of silence my session was over. I made my way out her door ,outside.

When I reached outside Luke wasn't here. What a big shock. I started making my way home. I was getting the hang of it slowly. With how many times Luke ditches you, you start learning.

I stopped walking when I saw an empty park down the block I was about to pass to go home. I decide to go to it since in always home and it was empty, I don't need to be around anyone.

I made my way to it sitting on the swing slowly rocking back and forth.

I wish life would be easier. Why couldn't it be like the giver, where you don't have to feel anything, that they protect you from it. Maybe if life was like that I wouldn't be hurting so much. Even though none of them belong to themselves I prefer that then loosing yourself over something you can't control.

I was interrupted from my thoughts when a tall figure made his way to me. Luke. How the hell did he find me. I would think he's stalking me but Luke is to lazy for that.

"What are you doing here." I asked swinging myself a little higher.

"My mom took her car, so I had to come pick you up walking, then I look to the side to find lonely charlie wonka by herself at an abandoned park." Luke explained getting on the swing next to me.

"You don't have to follow me everywhere I go." I replied rolling my eyes as I softly kicked my feet.

"Well your brother pays me extra to do it so why not." Luke shrugs swinging higher then I was already. He had long legs of course he can swing higher so quickly.

"I repeat your a celebrity why do you need the money?" I questioned. Luke probably had thousands of dollars in the bank. He's the first rockstar I saw that has so much money and yet where's the same black skinny jeans all the time and does favors for money.

"And I repeat, to have more money." Luke scoffs.

I just roll my eyes dropping the whole conversation.

"Why'd you choose this park anyways? There's a better one down the block." Luke stated slowly down his pace on the swing.

"Because this one has no one here for it." I shrug.

"Okay?" Luke said sounding more like a question squinting his eyes a little.

"So I wanted to be here, alone, away from everyone." I said going a little higher on the swing.

"You know there's over 5 billion people in this world too you know? You don't always have to be alone." Luke says kicking his feet in the air to swing higher.

"It's better that way."

"Why?"

"Because no one can hurt you."

•
I suck sorry
Tysm for reading Ily !