Bad Habits ↠ Luke H.

18

[Charlotte]

I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I've tried and tried to find a way to make things better but my body just can't. I've become more depressed. Worser thoughts in my head. Crazy emptiness in my chest. It just is all driving me insane. Everything is suppose to be working. I'm suppose to say stable. But these memories and on going nightmares have me going insane.

I bring my knees to my chest as I sit on ground in the corner of my room. I'm suppose to be happy and living my teenage life but it's the other way around.

All I see is a monster now.

"I really like this dress." I say twirling around in front of the mirror.

"You look so cute." Margo says threw the laptop screen from the Skype call.

I smile getting interrupted by my door opening and my mom walking in.

"Can't you knock?" I say groaning.

"Sorry." My Mom says. "You look so pretty!"

"Thanks but can you leave now, I'm kind of busy." I say sitting back in front of the screen margos in.

"Stop with your attitude Charlotte!" She stomps her foot. "It's enough!"

"Can't you just disappear and leave my alone!" I yell.

That yell took me out of my flashback making tears brim my eyes. I rock back and forth grabbing fist of my hair in my hands.

"Just Please stop." I whisper to myself. I can't stand seeing the past when all I was a horrible person. Maybe I deserve the pain I feel now. Back in New York I remember when I wanted to remember but now that I'm remembering I want it to all go away.

I pull down my sleeve from the damaged I did to my arm resting my head back on the wall as my knees are almost up against my chest.

Deep breathes charlie, focus on keeping your heart beat steady, control yourself

I always need to speak to myself to prevent panic attacks.

I haven't visited Karen in what feels a really long time even though it wasn't. Today im going back to see her and I can't find my way to get up from my room. I've only left the house for night  walks these couple of days. I don't want to go to her but Jonah said if I don't want to open up to him then I must go to Karen. I don't open up to her much either. She just attacks me with so many questions and I hate it.

Once I hear the door slam which means that Jonah has left and Luke will be here soon. I wipe away a tear that slipped, standing up and making my way to the door of my room. I think I was going to tell Luke to forget it. I don't want to go see her today.

I haven't communicated with Luke much anymore since when he saw my cuts. I wish he would of never been there and maybe he wouldn't be so disappointed in me. I just wanted to be alone but he made it hard.

I walk out the the living room finding Luke already sitting there a weak smile on his face.

"Ready to go?" He ask getting up from the couch.

"No." I shake my head. "I'm not going today." I sigh tugging at my sleeves.

"Charlie you need to talk to someone." Luke sighs. "You look horrible." He says.

"I'm fine." I force out my mouth.

"You look like you haven't slept in days." Luke sighs. I just shrug tugging at my sleeves like I usually do trying not to look at Luke much. I haven't been able to sleep well at night. I've been having nightmares that keep me up at night. It hard to sleep now.