14 Years [GNR/Mötley Crüe]

79. Oh Barcelona!

Nikki:

"You're fucking kidding me, right Sixx?" Tommy scoffed, seeming like he couldn't believe one word out of my mouth.

"Why would I do that?" I sighed and watched his expression shift into an annoyed expression. His hands were clasped together over the table, and the table began to shift in a rhythm as he tapped his foot below.

"It's been over a year since you broke up with her, man!" He exclaimed and then slapped his hand over his mouth as he realized his loud voice echoed through the restaurant, where other guests were having their breakfast in peace. "I mean, I'd get it if you had this fucking giant realization a few months or weeks after the breakup. Like I'd get it if you were feeling lonely one night after the breakup and needed a booty call, but this. Don't you think it's pretty fucking late?"

"You don't think I know that, Tommy?" I looked at him as the waitress approached our table with our order. Pancakes. 

"Mick will kill you," he mumbled, reaching for the silverware, "He would come at you with a fucking machete if he found out you want to weasel your way back into his daughter's life after breaking her heart once."

I wasn't thinking about Mick right now. He's got the least priority in my head right now. I wanted to talk to her. I want to apologize to her for everything that happened last year. I had to tell her I'm sorry that I hurt her so badly. I want to tell her that I finally realized I fucked up.

She was good to me.

"He won't find out," I shrugged, "and even if he does. I really don't give a shit right now. I just want to talk to her and let her know that I threw away the only person who actually gave a damn about me."

Tommy leaned back right after stuffing his mouth with a huge chunk of the pancake, "You can't—". The rest of his sentence sounded like gibberish to me.

"What?" I rolled my eyes as he struggled to chew quickly.

"Fuck." He sighed. Once he swallowed, "What I'm saying is... Dude, you don't just drop a bomb like that and expect her to take you back. She's probably with someone else. She probably hates you. We don't know. Neither one of us has spoken to her or seen her in over a year."

"I don't think she's seeing anyone." I shook my head.

I did think about the possibility of her dating someone, and my gut tells me she's not. I don't think she's ready to move on to someone else after everything we shared. For fuck sake, we were discussing things like wedding venues and how many kids we wanted. She can't go from something like that to meeting someone new and having small talk over dinner.

I know that. I know her.

Tommy snorted, "How do you know she's not seeing anyone? Okay, fine, let's assume she's single, but you're not. Brandi's in your house back in LA, right now. What about that?"

Oh Brandi! I sighed. Why can't I just fucking break up with her? I've never struggled to end any relationships in the past, but this. It's not that I'm head over heels in love with her. I don't know, maybe it's some weird pre-midlife crisis. My friends are all married and having kids(I almost did those things), and now I'm having trouble letting go.

"Look, if she's seeing someone, that's fine. If she tells me to fucking leave her alone. Fine. I'll do that." I bit my lip, "but...But what if she still feels the same? What if she sat there, wishing I'd reached out, and I didn't? What if she's still waiting?"

"Dude!" Tommy was strenuous in shaking his head.

I leaned closer to him, "What if I talk myself out of it again, tell myself it's too late, and years go by, and all that's left is this giant fucking what could've been for both of us. I can't live with that."