Ecie & Esme II: Another Day Like This

Three

'That's okay,' Carole said passing Ecie more tissues. 'We don't have to talk about it if you're not ready or if you don't want to. Are you okay now?'

Ecie nodded wiping her eyes. 'We can go on.'

'Okay then,' Carole said looking at Ecie. She sat back a little and cleared her throat. 'Ecie did...'

Ecie burst into fresh tears as she nodded her head.

'Oh Ecie,' Carole said sadly. She passed Ecie more tissues then put her hand on Ecie's knee and looked up at her. 'How about we take a little break?'

Ecie nodded.

'Okay,' Carole sat back.

'How are you feeling now?' Carole asked as they sipped on their Starbucks drinks.

'I'm sorry about earlier,' Ecie said. 'When it all comes back to me, I always cry like a baby.'

'That is perfectly normal,' Carole said. 'You shouldn't have to apologize for anything. The things that you've been through have been quite traumatic. I see many people all the time, so I understand perfectly.'

'Thank you,' Ecie said. 'You've been so great with me.'

'That's okay,' Carole replied. She sat back in her seat and placed her Starbucks cup on the floor by her feet. 'Do you feel ready?'

Ecie nodded and sniffed. 'I'm ready.'

'Okay then,' Carole said softly. 'I won't ask you the question again, but do you think you'd be able to tell me about it? When did he first do it?'

Ecie tried hard to fight her tears as she remembered. 'Well it first happened...ahem... the morning after we first slept together.'

'That's okay,' Carole said getting the box of tissues from behind her and placing them at Ecie's feet. 'Take your time.'

Ecie nodded as she picked up a couple of tissues and blew her nose. She wiped her eyes then cleared her throat. 'He erm.... He erm... was mad at me,' she said. 'I woke up the next morning and realized what I'd done. He asked me if I loved him and I lied to him. I told him that I didn't.'

Carole waited a few moments for Ecie to collect herself. 'Why did you lie to him?'

'I was so confused,' Ecie replied. 'Before Ellis had introduced me to Denis, I'd really liked him but I thought that he hadn't feel the same. I loved Denis and I didn't understand what feelings I had.'

'Okay,' Carole said. 'While you and Ellis were together, how often did he...?'

'I think you tend to lose count,' Ecie replied wiping her eyes. 'It was just something that I accepted as routine.'

'What do you mean "routine"?'

'He would get mad at me and I after a while I sort of expected it,' Ecie replied. 'Ellis never apologized for anything, I suppose he didn't think he had to. It was always him against everybody else.'

Carole looked at Ecie. 'Do you still have feelings for him?'

Ecie didn't say anything.

'What was going through your mind?'

'Nothing,' Ecie replied. 'I was just numb and patient. I mean, it had to end eventually, and eventually it always did.'

'What would happen afterwards?'

'Ellis would just get up and smoke a cigarette,' Ecie replied. 'I would just lie there, still and silent until I started getting sensation around my body. I'd get up then sit in the bath.'

'What was going through your mind the first few times it happened?'

'I was scared,' Ecie replied. 'I didn't understand what was happening and I didn't understand why he was so angry. I remember he just kept screaming at me and hitting me. He wouldn't stop even after I begged him to. He just kept screaming and hitting me.'

Carole noticed that Ecie had stopped crying and was staring into space.

'Even after that first time, he got up and lit a cigarette,' Ecie continued. 'He didn't look at me, he never did afterwards.'

'You seem so calm Ecie,' Carole said softly. 'How are you feeling?'

'Numb,' Ecie replied. 'I think that while you're going through something so painful and horrific, your body just numbs itself because if you were to have any other emotion, your body wouldn't be able to cope. Your body would break down and you'd go insane.'

'So you're in that numb place?'

Ecie nodded. 'I'm in the place where nothing can really hurt me.'

Carole nodded understanding. 'So when you started getting sensation back in your body, was that when you began to slip out of numbness?'

Ecie nodded. 'But the problem with that is, I start spontaneously crying because I get emotional at the wrong time.'

'Do you find yourself crying sometimes?' Carole asked.

'Yeah,' Ecie nodded. 'I can't help myself. The tears just start flowing and there's nothing I can do about it. Do you think I'll ever stop?'

'I think that as the years go on, it'll get better,' Carole replied. 'But no, I don't think it'll ever stop. In fifty years you might just break down in tears if your mind ever wanders back.'

Ecie nodded. 'Okay.'