Loving Bestfriend

Chapter 14

"Ven...Ven! Huy!" Pagyugyog sa akin ni Yohan. I was still disoriented when I opened my eyes. Nakatulog pala ako. Thank God! Kinusot ko ang aking mata medyo basa pa din iyon.

"What?" Simangot na tanong ko dito.

"We are here. Tulog na tulog ka pa dyan? Do you plan on sleeping here?" Anito. Wow! Ano concern na siya? Ngayong wala na si Jean, napapansin niya na ulit ako?

"Edi thank you sa paggising! Salamat naman at may concern ka pa pala sa akin!" Sigaw ko dito. Ako talaga namang punong-puno na. Iyak na iyak na ako sa inis kanina pa!

"What is your damn problem, Ven? Kanina ka pa ha even when Jean was around! Nakakahiya ka!" Sigaw din nito sa akin. I gritted my teeth.

"Ayan! Jean na naman! Puro nalang Jean! Kanina ka pa Jean ng Jean! Nakakaumay! Pwe!" I burst out. Napatanga siya sa akin ngunit agad napalitan iyon ng pagtagis ng mga bagang.

"What did she ever do to you? Mabuti naman siya makitungo sayo! She's so nice! And hindi ko gusto yang tabas ng dila mo pagdating kay Jean!" Arggggh! Sumimangot ako lalo at matalim siyang tinignan.

"What she did to me? Teka ha...iisipin ko." Nagkunwari akong nag-isip and then snapped my fingers nang may naisip na. "Oh! She took you away from me! You were supposed to be just mine!" I blurted out. My emotions were already overflowing. Wala. After this, I know I'll be damn empty!

His brows furrowed into one thick line. His mouth opened like he was to say something but then closed without uttering anything.

"Forget it." I said after a moment and reached for the car door handle. Pero bago ko pa tuluyang mabuksan ang pintuan ay napigilan niya ako.

"W-what, what's that supposed to mean?" Anito na tila nalilito pa rin.

"Do you really wanna know?" And I also asked myself if do I really wanna tell him...but yes, I can't just sit here and ignore my feelings for him. I might lose him completely to Jean and I can't just let it happen easily.

"Yes." Matapang niyang sagot. "Because you are acting so weird and it's starting to confuse me! It's starting to ruin our friendship, Ven!" My eyes glazed. What you are about to hear Yohan might as well ruin our friendship.

"Well then...you said you wanna hear it. You wanna hear the truth. Here is the truth, I like you. I like you more than a friend should normally like a friend. I like you, as a girl liking a boy." I said bravely. No hint of shakiness, my voice steady.

"You---like---me?" He muttered almost inaudibly.

Tumango ako. "Oo. Now, do you like me too?" Lakas-loob kong tanong. Wala nang hiya-hiya.

His face suddenly flashed emotions I cannot fathom but there's one I sure can name. Sorry.

"I'm sorry, Veneia..." See? And he's calling me by my whole name. I smiled bitterly. He looks like a man who was given a choice by some doctor about euthanasia: end it or keep one's life. And he looks sorry...as if saying, I'm ending your life so your miseries will end with it.

Sure, let's end this...

"Just say it, Yohan." I said.

"But, I don't wanna see you crying. I don't want to hurt you..." I nodded telling him I understand.

"Turn around. Tumalikod ka na lang para kahit masaktan ako o umiyak ako, hindi mo makikita. I want to hear it from you, Yohan. Para mas paniwalaan ko. Para kahit masakit at least alam kong totoo." Pahayag ko sakanya. I am so proud of myself for being so brave through all this. Nasasaktan ako pero ni minsan hindi nanginig ang boses ko. I saw his hesitation so I reached for his hand and squeezed it. Sinundan niya nang tingin yung kamay kong nakahawak sa kamay niya.

"Don't worry. I'll be okay. Pagkatapos nito, magkaibigan pa rin naman tayo. Best friends pa din. Just help me hurt so when I feel the pain, I would wanna forget all this shitty feelings I feel for you." I urged him and even smiled. He shifted weight and turned his back on me.

Wow! Hindi ko alam na kahit pagtalikod palang niya ay sobrang sakit na. Naluluha na ako agad. I asked for this.

You freaking asked for this, Ven! Don't you dare blame him. Don't.

"I don't like you, Ven...I like someone else. I even think I'm falling for her. I'm sorry cause I don't think I'll ever like you more than a friend." And just like that, he made the god forsaken choice to kill me...

I silently cried while watching his back and hearing him say those words. Lumunok ako para magsalita pero umalpas lamang ang isang hikbi. He was about to turn around when I stopped him.

"Huwag! Huwag muna, nasasaktan pa ako baka makita mo." I feel stupid saying those words but...

"I'm sorry, Ven. I'm really sorry." Hirap na hirap niyang wika.

...why do I still want to protect him from blaming himself for hurting me?

"It's okay. It's all okay, Yohan. I'm gonna be okay. Tomorrow, I'll be okay." I swallowed a big lump. I hope! "I-I need to get home baka hinahanap na ako sa bahay. Goodnight, Yohan. Bye." Iyon lamang saka nagmamadaling lumabas na ako ng sasakyan nila at tumakbo papunta sa bukas na gate. I was frantic to get away.

Nang makapasok ako ng gate namin ay sumandal ako sa pader sa gilid nito. Doon ako umupo at umiyak ng umiyak. I wanna wail. I wanna scream. But I can't do any of those two, so again, I just cried silently.

I lost.

Tonight, I lost a lot of battles.

I did try to put up a fight but still, I lost.

I lost a lot of myself too. Probably everything that I am.

I feel empty. Well, that's how I'm supposed to feel anyway, right?

When I mellowed down, I began to realize...it's a good thing though, that I only said I like him. There's a huge chance we'll keep the friendship. I am so desperate for him to stay in my life. So fucking desperate! I'm at a point where I can't live without him.

Yes, idiotic as it may sound...beyond the emptiness and the pain,

I'm still loving my best friend.

I still love to be his best friend.