Teach Me How to Love Again (Sequel to Dirty Little Secret)

Chapter 70: The Only Proof That I Need is You

*~(The title of this chapter is from Proof by Paramore)~*

I stayed in the bedroom, because I didn't want to interrupt anything. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I heard him talking to a woman, then their voices eventually escalated to yelling.

I pondered on who this mystery woman could be. Was she one of his many ex-girlfriends? Was she just a friend he's fighting with? She could be anybody.

I tried to tell myself I was worrying for no reason, but it's hard to convince yourself of that when you hear a woman shouting at your boyfriend.

Eventually I got a bit upset, so I blew out the candles, shut the blinds, and just turned the bedroom light on. I gave up on the mood we had set earlier. We had set the mood for love-making, and judging by the volume of his current discussion, if we do return to where we were, it won't be love-making, it'll be rough and angry. He likes to let out his frustrations in the bedroom. I suppose that's good for me, because that makes him less angry outside of the bedroom, but sometimes love-making is nice too.

I put my shirt back on and laid down, still waiting for Gerard to come back.

In about an hour, I heard the front door slam, and he angrily stomped up the stairs. His anger usually scared me, but at least this time I figured he wasn't mad at me. However, he tended to take his anger out on other people, so I was worried he'd yell at me.

When he entered the bedroom, he let out a heavy sigh as he flopped down onto the bed and buried his head into his pillow.

"What's the matter, baby?" I asked.

"I fucking hate my life," he answered. I slightly rubbed his back in an attempt to calm him down.

"Who was at the door?"

"Mrs. Watson," he muttered into his pillow.

"Baby, can you tell me what happened?"

"She came over to talk about next school year, because I haven't decided if I'm coming back yet. That was fine, but I forgot one important thing; there are pictures of you framed on my walls. Mrs. Watson is super nosy, and she saw them. I tried to convince her that these were taken recently, after you graduated, but she wouldn't believe me. She called me a pedophile, then she fired me, and said I'd be fucking lucky if she didn't go to the police."

I curled up next to him and rubbed his back. "So, um... Does this mean we'll be breaking up again?" I asked sadly.

"No! I can't lose you again. You make me so happy. I don't care if I end up in prison. I'm not leaving you. I love you too much for that," he protested.

"But you need to protect yourself too. I don't want my boyfriend going to jail. Especially when it's my fault."

He turned his head towards me and raised an eyebrow. "How is this your fault?"

"I led you on when I was still underage. If you do get arrested, it's definitely my fault."

"I don't think it's either of our faults. We can't help who we fall in love with," he shrugged. "Even if I could control it, I'd still want to be in love with you, because you're perfect for me. Even with all the shit we've been through together, I wouldn't trade this for the world. I love you," he said.

"I love you too," I whispered as I nuzzled my head into his neck and placed a kiss there. He wrapped his arm around my torso.

"I'm sorry I ruined our good day by being so stressed out," he apologized as he placed a kiss to my forehead.

"Baby, it's okay. I don't mind it. You have a right to be stressed out."

"But I wanted today to be really romantic, and now it's been ruined. I had so many plans. After the massage, I wanted to maybe make love, but it would have been super loving and stuff, then make you dinner, then cuddle and watch a bunch of movies with popcorn and your favorite candy. I wanted to make today perfect for you."

"Baby, you didn't ruin anything. It's a perfect day just because you're spending it with me."

He shook his head. "I'm still gonna make today perfect. I have to. I promised myself I was going to make today extra special to make up for what happened at the wedding. I had a plan and everything."

"Gerard, how about we finish your plan tomorrow? We can just cuddle today. You need a cuddle break," I told him.

"Cuddling does sound pretty great," he gave in. I laid on his chest, and he wrapped both his arms around my torso. He pressed a kiss to the top of my head, then he sighed.

"What am I gonna do? I don't have a fucking job anymore. If I don't go to prison, I'm gonna go broke. I've been fired from both schools I've worked at! Nobody will hire me now," he groaned. I could tell how stressed he was by how tightly he was squeezing me.

"Baby, don't worry about it right now."

"How the fuck am I supposed to not worry about it? I lost my job! I could go to prison! Don't you see how fucking serious this is?" he raised his voice, making me whimper.

"I-I'm sorry," I muttered timidly, flinching slightly in his arms.

"No, no, don't be afraid! I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm just stressed," he whispered.

"It's okay," I muttered.

"Why are you still afraid of me? You look at me like I'm going to hit you whenever I even raise my voice," he observed.

"I just don't like it when you yell, because whenever you're drunk, you yell a lot. You yell things at me that make me feel so stupid and worthless. So I guess I'm a tiny bit afraid of you yelling now," I murmured, hoping he couldn't hear me.

He sighed. "I hurt you bad, didn't I?"

I nodded. "But that's okay. I'll get over it. I love you," I said, trying my hardest to change the subject.

"I'm so sorry about everything I've done in the past. To say I was a dick would be an understatement. I mean, Chantal even used the word 'abusive' for what I was to you, and that makes me sick to my stomach. Just the thought of you being abused by anyone almost makes me cry. I can't even handle the thought of me being the one abusing you. It shatters my heart. You deserve to feel loved. You don't deserve to be abused. You don't deserve to be one of those people who end up questioning if this abuse is how love really should be. I just... You deserve so much better than what I give you. You deserve to be happy, and treated like a queen. You deserve a fairy tale ending, and I'm scared I can't give that to you. I look at you, and you're just this gorgeous, perfect woman, and I'm nothing. I'm an alcoholic, I've put on weight, I'm a nerd, and I never comb my hair."

"Gerard, you're not nothing. I love everything you just listed. Your messy hair and your nerdiness are just a few of the quirks I fell in love with. Sure, your alcoholism isn't good, but you're gonna get better, okay? As for your weight, you'll be perfect to me no matter how much you weigh. I can't even tell you've put on weight. You're still just as sexy and handsome as you were the day we met. I love you so much, Gerard. Don't doubt that."

"I'm not doubting that you love me. I know you love me. That's what scares me. I don't want you to love someone who makes you feel like shit. Then you'll just keep coming back and letting me fuck up your mental state."

"Gerard, you don't make me feel like shit, and you don't fuck up my mental state. We can't control who we fall in love with. You said that yourself. I love you. Nothing is going to change that."

He sighed, but he gave in. "I love you too. So much. Thank you for giving me another chance when I don't deserve it. I'm gonna prove to you that I can be the man you deserve this time."

"You're the only proof I need."