Teach Me How to Love Again (Sequel to Dirty Little Secret)

Chapter 11: I Think I'd Love to Die (With Commentary)

*~(The title of this chapter is from Cubicles by My Chemical Romance.)~*

There's a Paramore drought going on in these past few chapters. I don't like it. -2021 M

I felt like everything had just came crashing down on me. This baby wasn't mine. Eliza lied to me. I was a weird mixture of angry and relieved. Mostly angry.

The doctor didn't say much else before she let us leave. I didn't say a word to Eliza at first, but then I decided we needed to discuss this.

"I can't believe you'd fucking lie to me like this. This is a new low, even for you," I scoffed.

"It's not that big of a deal, Gerard," she sighed.

"It is a big deal! You broke up my relationship for nothing! You're a terrible person, Eliza. You used your own child as a pawn in your sick game to lure me in! I hope that fucking haunts you," I snapped. FOR NOTHING??? so you really felt not a single ounce of guilt for cheating on Sky before Eliza was pregnant?? huh

"I did not break up your relationship for nothing! You still cheated on her! Were you never going to tell her? Were you just going to let the poor girl live ignorantly with the man who didn't even have enough heart to not cheat on her while she had fucking amnesia? I think you're forgetting that you still cheated on her! You're the horrible person, Gerard. You broke her heart! You don't know what it's like to be a teenage girl! When you're a teenage girl, your confidence is so low you put all of your trust into one person! Do you even know how fucking badly it hurts to have the one person you trust betray you? No, you don't, because you betrayed Skylar! Her confidence will be low for years. She won't trust anybody for a long, long time. You ruined a seventeen year old girl's life! I hope that haunts you." FUCK YEAH GIRL YOU TELL HIM!!!!! Suddenly I like her

What Eliza said made my heart break even more than before. "D-do you really think I ruined her life?" yeah

"Yes, I do. You're a grown man. You don't know what it's like, because grown men can bounce back. Teenage girls just lie there in agony for months, blaming themselves for everything that happened. You know, I used to blame myself that you only wanted me for sex! I only treated you so badly because I knew all along you didn't love me! Do you think I wanted to do that? Do you think I wanted to only call you when I wanted sex? I didn't! The only reason I started only calling you for sex was because I knew sex was all you ever wanted from me! I can't trust men anymore, Gerard! It's your fault! You're the reason I'm like this! You're the reason I can't trust men, so I just have a lot of one-night-stands! I don't know the father to my own fucking baby, because I can't trust men enough for a relationship anymore! I bet Skylar thinks it's her fault you cheated on her! I bet she blames herself every single day! I bet she looks in the mirror and points out every single flaw on herself and mentally lists each one as a reason you cheated, because that's what teenage girls do! They blame themselves! I bet she thinks the reason you cheated was because you didn't love her anymore! I bet she blames herself for that too. I bet she lists every tiny little snarky or playful thing she said, and wonders if she accidentally hurt you! She'll never blame you, she'll only blame herself until it becomes too much and she turns out just like I did. Face it, Gerard. You don't understand even half of the pain you caused her. I hope you feel fucking guilty for ruining a young girl's life." FUCK YEAH TELL HIM!! SPEAK YOUR TRUTH QUEEN!!!!

I was about to remind Eliza that she was the one who encouraged me to cheat in the first place, so she couldn't call me the only bad person, but she stormed off before I got a chance. I watched her drive away before I got into my car. Yeah but like???? you could've said no??? Boy she didn't force you

I started crying in my car. I ruined Skylar's life. I took this innocent, sweet, creative seventeen year old girl, and I ruined her life. I'm fucking disgusting. yes you are! <3

Why did I ever flirt with her? I could have kept my love for her to myself! Why did I have to kiss her that day at her house? Why did I have to ask her to be my girlfriend that day? Why couldn't I have just fucking kept it to myself? yeah true you fucking creep

Maybe I shouldn't have even befriended her. That made it much harder to hide my love. If I wouldn't have befriended her, I could have just admired her from afar, and I wouldn't have ruined her life. I never should have kept her after class that first day. I just couldn't help myself. I fell for her so fast. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, by far. I couldn't help myself. I needed to get closer to her. YOU CREEP

I wish I wouldn't have fallen in love with her. ITS DEBATABLE THAT YOU DID, BESTIE

Now I ruined her life because I couldn't fucking control myself. Great. yeah.

I even took her virginity! I'm the only man she's ever had sex with! The only man she's ever had sex with is a total asshole. I should never have taken her virginity! What was I thinking? Now she'll always be reminded of my infidelity, because I took her virginity! What the fuck was I thinking? A girl's virginity loss should be special and wonderful and memorable. Now when she looks back at hers, she'll only be reminded of her cheating, sick fuck of an ex-boyfriend. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT but also virginity is a social construct! Virginity loss doesn't have to be a big deal 

I started my car and drove back to the hotel. I'd be heading back to California tomorrow, because I had no interest in staying here. How does he afford so many plane tickets on an art teacher's salary? 

Eliza was right. I'm a terrible person. I don't even deserve to live anymore. I ruined the life of the only woman I love. She trusted me and I ruined that. Yeah.

I don't deserve to live anymore. You already said that, but I cannot stress this enough: yeah.