Teach Me How to Love Again (Sequel to Dirty Little Secret)

Chapter 52: You Don't Want Me, You Don't Need Me

*~(The title of this chapter is from You by The Pretty Reckless.)~*

Do you ever have that feeling where you're so sad, you're just numb? Like you're so sad, that nothing can faze you anymore? Like something terrible could happen, but you wouldn't even react because you're just numb? I don't know how it's possible to be sad and completely numb at the same time, but that was all I had been feeling lately.

I suddenly had the urge to push everyone away. I just wanted to be alone. Frank's constant checking up on me was beginning to get irritating. I know that was a selfish thought, and I should just be happy that he cares, but it's hard not to be selfish when you're in this state of mind.

I never meant for life to go this bad. I was always a good little girl. Sure, I sassed some teachers, but I usually studied hard, and my grades were never all that bad. I pushed myself limits, but I never broke a law, and I hardly ever hurt anyone.

So what did I do to deserve this?

I was a little girl who dreamed of growing up, meeting my Prince Charming and riding a white horse off into the sunset as we lived happily ever after.

But instead of Prince Charming and a white horse, I got teenage pregnancy, and an ex-boyfriend who's hurt me, but I just can't seem to get rid of him. Every time I swear I'm not going back to him, something bad happens. First it was my parents, and now it's our baby.

I want to be happy for once. I want to meet a man who loves me for me, and would never hurt me. I want to have kids when we're ready. I want to go to college and get a good job.

I want a normal life. I want to happy.

Why can't I ever get that?

Life would be so much happier for me if I never met Gerard. It would just be Frank and I going through high school together. Maybe I would have still ended up with Pete, but I'd be happy, because I would have really loved him if I wasn't so fucked up over Gerard.

I bet if I never met Gerard, I'd be with Pete, and of course Frank would be with Jamia, and the four of us would be the happiest fuckers in the entire school.

Pete was perfect for me. I wish Gerard didn't fuck me up so bad, because then I'd be able to love him. But now, I don't think I'm capable of loving anyone but Gerard. Even when I hate him, I probably still love him.

Maybe I was lying to myself when I thought I hated Gerard. I don't even fucking know anymore. I'm mentally fucked because of Gerard.

I never want to see him again, but at the same time, I don't believe I could live without his silly little giggle, or the way he talks out of the side of his mouth, or the way his eyes light up when he talks about something he's passionate about. How can someone so cute cause me so much pain?

I wonder if he ever loved me as much as I loved him. When I looked into his eyes, my heart fluttered, and all I wanted to do was kiss him, or hug him, or do anything just to be close to him. My thoughts were always about how much I loved him, and how lucky I was. I probably could stare into his beautiful eyes for hours, just counting the ways I love him, and I'd never get bored.

I wonder what he thought of when he looked at me. He probably thought about how unlucky he was, and how badly he wanted to dump me, but he was afraid to hurt my feelings.

He never wanted me, when he was my entire world.