walls | h.s

forty-seven.

When I was younger I watched romantic movies all the time – I still like them now. But they were always quite predictable; they found each other, had a fight, broke up but eventually found their way back to each other. I thought that's the way it's supposed to be but I knew I was wrong all this time when I was together with Brent. He showed me that love like in movies does not exist and from then on I didn't really believe in it.

But with Harry this hope was back. Well, I knew that it wasn't going to be like in those movies but I knew that I could be in love again, and this time it would be real.

I love him, I really do. I care about his happiness more than mine and I would do anything for him. He has such a huge impact of my life, ever since I met him everything changed and nothing was the way it used to be. There were some moments that didn't need to happen, moments which aren't a happy memory, but I wouldn't want to change it.

I fell in love with him along the way and ever day I fell deeper. And now that he crushed my heart I can't get up.

I thought he opened up to me and that I was important to him but apparently I wasn't, I was just another doll he played with until he got what he wanted. And that's what hurt most. It wasn't the fact that he didn't tell me he loves me, I didn't expect him to, it was the fact that he played with me all this time and then just threw me away like I'm nothing. He didn't even show any kind of emotion as I told him I hate him and that made me realise that I shouldn't spend time trying to get him to apologize, which I was, when he doesn't even seem to care.

But it was weird. I never doubted him caring about me whilst we dated, the thought that he could be playing games with me didn't cross my mind so how could I be so oblivious to it? Or did he just decide from one day to the other that he doesn't like me anymore?

The intimacy we had the night before meant so much to me and it felt like he truly cared. It was the way he talked to me, the way he touched me. He was so gentle and caring, it felt so real.

When I was with Brent and we broke up I was hurt because I thought I'd never get another boyfriend but it's so different now than back then. I'm just hurt, I'm heartbroken and it feels like someone wants to rip my heart out and step on it, making sure that I suffer. I've never experienced heartbreak before until now and all I wanted to do was lock myself in a room, curl up in my bed, cry and pity myself.

I walked down the streets with pathetic tears rolling down my cheeks but I didn't bother to wipe them away, I knew my cheeks would be tear-stained just a few seconds later. And besides that, I had every right to cry because the person that I fell in love with, the person who matters most to me just shoved me out of their life.

I walked into a little shop that was not too far away and kept my face down as I strolled through it. I couldn't hear my footsteps hitting the floor, the only thing I could hear was my heartbeat and the only thing I could feel was the pain in my chest.

I kept my sobs to myself as I walked around, trying to find chocolate. I didn't want people to pay attention to me. I went to pay for the pralines that I picked out and the old lady behind the counter smiled at me.

Her hair was black and she was a bit bigger. I suppose she's about 55. She looked at me with a sad smile as I put the pralines on the counter to pay for them. "Break up?" she asked knowingly and I nodded my head, biting on my lip to keep myself from crying even more.

"It might seem like the worst thing now but believe me, you'll get over it. If the boy doesn't see what a lovely young woman you are then he doesn't deserve you."

I cracked a smile. "Thank you."

I paid for the pralines and carelessly started to eat them whilst making my way to Cassidy's flat. There was no way I was going back to my parents so this was pretty much the only option that I had.