Hope (Harry Styles)

23.

FYI- the smaller heart is Hope and Abby (yes, that's Demi Lovato :) )

Windows in Heaven- We are The In Crowd

I sit in the grass, my legs going numb but I can't find the energy to move.  I know that it's ok for me to feel sad and to miss Hope, that it's normal, but right now I feel like I have reverted back to how i felt eight months ago.  Alone. Lost. Helpless. Miserable.  I can picture Hopes smile and hear her laugh, I can picture her quirky personality and how she could make anyone laugh. Everyone loved Hope, she was able to capture everyone's hearts in the matter of seconds.  She was so kindhearted and so sweet. Unless you upset her or hurt her, she hardly got angry. She stood up for what she believed in and didn't let anyone walk all over her, despite her sweet nature. It was something I envied. 

Even though she was this sweet person, she had this wild side to her. She was always up for parties and socializing. She loved drinking, to an extent, and loved to have a good time. She knew there was a time to be serious and a time where she could let loose and have fun, she never over did it and never blew things off because she wanted to go out and have fun. She was responsible.

She just ended up not thinking clearly one night.

I knew a lot of people sat and talked like they were talking to the actual person and not their gravestone and even though I felt silly doing it, I know that it would probably help me. So I talked with her like she was sitting right next to me.

"Hey, Hope," my voice cracks and I clear my throat. "I miss you. A lot has happened since you left."  I pause, trying to figure out where to start.

"After you left, I was devastated and weighed down by so much guilt that I lost who I was. I blamed myself for the longest time, thinking it was my fault you got into that car that night. I didn't know you had to go home and take care of your sister. And we know how stubborn you can be. I realized now, that no matter how hard I fought with you, you still would have gotten into that car. Anyways," I take a deep, shaky breath.

"I stopped playing guitar, and going out and doing everything I loved. Mostly because they were things that reminded me of you, but also because I felt like if I did those things, and I was happy, I was forgetting you and not grieving for you like I thought I should be. I know you are probably rolling your eyes at me right now, about to tell me how ridiculous I am, that there is no way I'd be able to forget you," I let out a half laugh, half sob, wiping under my eyes.

"Violet and Megan convinced me to go camping like we usually did at the end of the summer. Even though at first I was dreading it, trying to figure out how I was ever going to get through four days of trying to pretend I was ok, but things turned out differently." I told her about Harry, and how much he helped me. How we just clicked and how our feelings grew more and more the longer we were together.  Talking about Harry was hard, but not as hard as I thought it was going to be. My chest ached but not a crippling ache like it was months ago. Maybe I was finally getting over him.

"You would have loved him, Hope. He has the most beautiful green eyes and a smile that can stop a heart, complete with the most adorable dimples.  He's funny and sweet and knows exactly what to say. When he talks with you it's like it's just the two of you, everyone else around you doesn't exist. He makes you feel important. He also went through something traumatic, something that was eerily close to what happened to you.  And because of what he went through, he was able to help me. He made me realize that it wasn't my fault you died. That I did everything I could. He convinced me talk to someone." I smiled at the memory at that summer. Almost a year has passed yet I remember it like it was yesterday.