Hope (Harry Styles)

37.

The rest of the week goes by without any other incidents that would make me question my sanity. I haven't seen Harry which helped. Seeing him would have made it even harder. I did see Evan though Thursday and Friday night. He came over each night with food and movies and we spent the night eating and watching movies, snuggled on the couch together. I know he was trying to help me cope with my homesickness, or what he thought was my homesickness, and he was being extremely sweet and patient. I didn't deserve any of it. I didn't deserve his kind words, his sweet smile, his kind eyes and the gentle way he held me.

If I was just trying to deal with getting past my feelings for Harry, that would be fine. Now I have the lies I've told, and keep telling, adding to the guilt I already feel. Guilt. Again I'm battle with guilt. What a terrible thing to deal with. And the fact that I haven't even told Evan about the extent of mine and Harrys relationship was also bothering me. I felt like I should tell him, but then I don't because I don't want him to question anything, even though he has every right to, and I don't want him to think he can't live up to Harry. Maybe I won't even have to bring it up. Maybe I can just get over my feelings for Harry and not have to worry about falling apart every time I see him, that way I can have a relationship with Evan without feeling like I'm using him.

I really hate myself right now.

It's Saturday afternoon and I just got out of the shower. I slept a little later than I usually did, since I haven't been sleeping well lately. I just finished blow drying my hair when my phone starts to ring. I run over to my night stand where I still have it plugged in and I break out in a huge smile when I see Violet was calling me. I swipe my thumb to the right, answering the call before flopping down on my bed, laying on my back with my feet dangling over the side.

"I'm so glad you called!" I say instead of the usual 'hi'. I relax a little knowing I can get some advice from one of my best friends.

"Oh no, did something happen? Megan's here too by the way, you're on speaker!" Violet answers, worry evident in her voice.

"Hi Abby! What's going on?"

I'm so glad I have these two in my life. I don't know where I'd be if I didn't haven them to talk to about stuff like this. I take a deep breath, letting it out slowly before jumping in and telling them about the last week. About dinner with Harry and everything we talked about and then about Evan and how our evening went and how he's been the last few nights.

"Well, Abby, it looks like you got yourself in quick a pickle," Violet sighs.

"I'm quite aware of that Vi. I was hoping you two had some sort of advice on what I should do. I'm so confused." I pinch the bridge of my nose, wishing someone had some magic cure this confusion and the ache I feel in my chest.

"The only person who knows what you need to do, is you Abby. What do you want? What is your heart telling you?" Megan asks, and I take a minute to think about my answer.

"I don't know. I know I still have feelings for Harry, and at this point, after everything, I'm not sure if they will ever go away. But I'm with Evan and I like him and I don't want to hurt him." I let out a frustrated yell.

"You know what didn't really answer Megan's question right?" Violet chuckles a little.

"I don't know how to answer that. I don't want to hurt anyone, Harry or Evan. I know being so unsure about all this isn't fair to either one but I can't help it," I say sadly, hating myself.

"What about you Abby? You're hurting yourself here too, you know that right? Denying yourself who you truly want is killing you, don't you see that?" Violet says softly.