Shattered..

Chapter 44

Justin ( a year later)

Never in my life I would think, that everything would turn out this way. It's been so long since I was truly happy. I've done so many terrible things this past year, I doubt anyone would ever fight to keep me in their life. When people ask me if I'm happy I say yes..I have friends, I'm having fun, doing everything with a smile on my face, but when it comes to the point where I'm sitting in my bed in the middle of the night and all I can see is her face, the pain I'm trying to hide deep down in my heart is killing me. Each and every day I can't stop blaming myself for my actions. The question is "WHY?"

Why I decided to do what I did? I'm still living in a past, thinking about her and everything we had. I never stopped loving her, I tried to move on, I tried to live a life without her but every time I look in a direction I last saw her, she's there, the look in her eyes when she spoke her last words, the tears she was holding back, everything was playing in front of me. I never called her after that day, call me a coward but I couldn't face the fact that I did it again, that I hurt her again. There was no point, she wont forgive me, not anymore. I messed up, this was all my fault. I had the most beautiful and caring girl I could ever met, she carried our baby, baby I've never seen or heard of. All I know that we had a girl, a beautiful baby girl witch probably looked just like Ashley. 

I'm still hoping that one day we will meet again, that one day I will finally have a courage to face my kid and say how sorry I am for not being there for her. How sorry I am for being a selfish bitch who can't face my own actions. I hope that one day Ashley will forgive me, all I need is her forgiveness..

I hate waiting, I hate that I can't always get what I want, life is not always perfect, I know and what happened, happened. I can't change anything anymore and it hurts a lot knowing that Ashley and my little princess is living their life happily with another men. It hurts knowing that Daniel took my place next to the women I still love but Ashley deserves to be happy and loved, my daughter deserves to have a real dad who will never hurt their feelings. I know that Daniel loves Ashley, and as crazy as it sounds I'm happy for them. There's a time in life when you have to let go. One man once said..

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation, trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've happened..or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on."

I though I did, I though that I moved on, I was so damn sure but I guess that it was drugs and alcohol speaking in the moment. Month after Ashley cough me cheating on her I was a complete mess. I sat alone in my room, staring at the wall in front of me thinking about suicide, I wanted to die. I though that my life was over, I felt a complete emptiness. 

My old ways came back to me, I started drinking, partying every night, I slept with different bitches every day...Old friends came back in my life and smoking dope was the easiest way to leave my problems behind. I took a break from my career, I enjoyed life, police station was my second home. My mother...she..she just gave up on me. I haven't talked to her for months. My attitude changed, all those love songs I created sickened me, they reminded me of her..every song still reminds me of her. 

I haven't seen my family for who knows how long, I use to talk to my dad every day but that was before I decided to screw my life. I fucked up so many things, I lost thousands of fans, people hated me, they hated the person I became. I still hate myself, I hate the fact that I can't look at myself and say that I'm a good person because I'm not, I'm a terrible human being and I will never forgive myself for the things I've said or done to people who truly cared and loved me once. 

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"Justin! Justin over here! Justin, are you on drugs?" a guy screamed showing his camera in my face as I walked to my car. Paparazzi started to pay more attention to me since I always screwed up, they tried to get on my bed side so they could have a good footage. Magazines wrote shit about me that wasn't even real and people believed everything. " Justin, are you done with music? Who's the girl you took to your place last night?" I wasn't paying much attention to his questions but the thing that he was so close to me and hes camera nearly hitting my face was driving me crazy. More and more paps showed up and my anger grew bigger, they surrounded my car and blocked my way, bodyguards tried to keep them away from me but i was about to explode any second.