Chap.o58
I am lying on my bed, thinking of what happened this morning. Of what my brother - or should I say not my brother - had told me. Damn, I'm so confused! He made me confused!
Napasigaw na lang ako ulit sa sobrang frustration. I've been screaming for hours now and honestly, I don't know what to believe. Was he telling me the truth or was he just playing with me?
He was gone for days and when he made himself present, he said that unbelievable news - that fucking big news!
I screamed again, louder this time. Wala akong pake kung maingay man ako dahil nasa sarili naman akong unit. No one will hear me or no one will see how badly I am.
Yelling was the only thing that I could do, and as I thought that it could lessen the burden, I was wrong. I decided to call for someone na lang and Ysrael popped out in my mind. That's why without any hesitation, I looked for my phone and dialled his number. I uttered my thanks when he answered the call right away.
"Babe... I need you..." Was all I could say to him.
"Wait for me then. I'll be there soon, honey." With that he hung up.
I sighed after the call. I even found myself smiling. I'm so damn lucky for having Jude Ysrael Maniego as my boyfriend. I won't ask for more.
I patiently waited for him until I heard the doorbell. That was when I stood up to let Ysrael in.
"Are you okay?" Ang bungad agad nito pagkabukas ko ng pinto.
I gave him a small smile as an answer. "Pasok ka."
Pumasok naman ito at tabi kaming naupo sa sala. Agad na akong nilingon ni Ysrael at saka ako masusing tinignan na para bang may alam ito na problema ko. Ni wala pa akong nasasabing problema ko dito. Sa tingin ko, talagang nababasa lang ako ni Ysrael. Para bang kilalang-kilala na ako nito at alam na nito kung may pinagdadaanan man ako o wala.
Maybe he deserves to know everything, all about me. Lahat ng nakaraan ko, at lahat ng tungkol sa pagkatao ko ay sasabihin ko na dito. I don't want to keep secrets no more. This time, I let him know the real me.
"I need to tell you something." Panimula ko.
Hindi ko alam kung saan ako masisimula kaya tinikom ko din ang bibig ko pagkatapos. I couldn't think of what to say next.
"I have all the time." Narinig ko na lang na sabi ni Ysrael pagkatapos ng pananahimik ko. "If you aren't ready to tell it--."
"I-I'm ready." Pagpuputol ko dito. "I know I'm all set for it, Ysrael." I said with conviction.
"Fine, I'll pay attention then."
This is it, I guess. Bago ang lahat, pinakawalan ko muna ang buntong-hininga na kanina ko pa gustong ilabas dahil sa sitwasyon. I admit that it's not that easy to tell everything to him. I could tell Ysrael everything up to the point how did Gav and I break up. And telling him the details of what took place this morning is the hardest part.
"You know Gav, right?" I asked him.
"Yeah. Your first love." I sensed bitterness in his voice.
"Yes, he was my first love. He was an arrogant, rude boastful, rich guy at first. Palagi na kaming nag-aaway una pa lang. Palagi din kaming nagsusumbatan at nagkakairingan. I hated his guts, his cockiness, and his... I hated everything, I guess."
Natigil ako sa pagkukuwento dahil sa pagtawa. Reminiscing the encounters I had first with Gavino was worth laughing at. I could clearly remember how we hated each other and how the hatred we had turned to something different - that thing called love.
Wait, what am I thinking anyway? I dismissed the thoughts in my mind. I discarded them that instance when I realized that what was I thinking was that bad. I supposed to tell Ysrael everything so I resumed talking.
"To make the story short, he became my boyfriend. He was my first boyfriend, first love, first kiss, first hug, first--."
"But I first made love to you." He cut me off.
That was when I faced him. I found out that he's grinning like he won in a fight and I know the reason why. He was my first. I mean he slept with me first. I gave him the precious thing that a woman could offer to his man - the purity, the virginity.
"And I'll be your first in other ways, honey. I'll be your first husband, first father of our children, and uhm first grandfather of our grandchildren as well." Nakangiting wika nito.
"Parang sure ka na dyan, huh." Sagot ko naman dito.
I tried not showing him how affected I am to his statements. Nanatili akong walang anumang reaksyon kahit na kinikilig na talaga ako sa loob ko.
"I'll make sure of it." May kumpyansang saad nito. He extended his right arms after and touched my left cheek. "And you wanna know my wish last night?" Tanong pa nito.
Umiling naman ako bilang sagot. Hindi pa din nito binitawan ang pisngi ko hanggang sa hinawakan na nito ang parehong pisngi ko.
"I wished you were fertile last night, honey. I wanted to impregnate you so badly... For you not to have any reason to leave me no more." Halos pabulong na wika na nito.
Nakagat ko na lang ang labi ko dahil dito. Mali ang rason ni Ysrael pero hindi ko maiwasang wag makilig. He's that possessive but I like it though. I could feel his fear of losing me and it made me feel loved and wanted. I'm so dang lucky.
Napatitig na ako kay Ysrael pagkatapos maramdaman ko ang paghaplos nito sa labi ko kaya naman napatigil ako sa pagkagat nito. The atmosphere is so intense for both of us. Him, touching my cheek while carresing my lips is a breathtaking scene. If I could kiss him this moment, I'd do it then. Pero dahil kailangan naming mag-usap ngayon, iwinaksi ko ang ideyang yun. Ma-uusap dapat kami.
Kaya naman pinatigil ko si Ysrael sa ginagawa nito at pinakiusapan ko itong umupo ng maayos. I distanced him so that I could concentrate on talking.
"Where are we?" Tanong ko dahil nalimutan ko na kung saan ako tumigil kanina. Si Ysrael kasi eh.
"He was your first." Tugon naman nito.
"Naging kami nga pero naghiwalay din kami kasi... Kasi uhm..." I stopped. Hindi ko alam kung paano to sasabihin.
"What, Cyrene?" Ani Ysrael pagkatapos.
Mukhang gusto na nitong malaman ang dahilan kung bakit kami nagkahiwalay. Kaya huminga muna ako ng malalim bago nagsalita.
"You know kuya Clive, right?" At tumango ito. "Sya si..."
Shit pano ba ito? Ba't nahihirapan akong sabihin ito? Pumikit muna ako saglit para kumuha ng bwelo. At pagmulat ko, saka ako diretsong nagsalita.
"Si Gavino at kuya Clive ay iisa, Ysrael. Minahal ko ang kapatid ko. Minahal ko ito ng higit pa sa kapatid."
Pagkatapos magsalita, niyakap na agad ako ni Ysrael. I want to see his reaction but I couldn't 'cause he hugged me that instance. Hanggang sa maramdaman ko na lang na mas lalo pang humigpit ang yakap nito sa akin.
"You are like that because--."
"Oo, Ysrael. Nalaman kong hindi ko pala sya kapatid at umamin itong mahal pa nya ako... Gulung-gulo na ako. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang paniniwalaan pa..." Nasabi ko na.
Sinubukan kong tumingin sa itaas para pigilan ang pag-iyak ko pero hindi ko pa din napigilang umiyak kahit na anong tagal ng tingin ko sa ceiling. Napahikbi na ako at mas lalo pa akong yumakap kay Ysrael. I need him right now and his presence is such a great help.
"Tell me, honey." Kapagkuwan ay humiwalay na ito sa yakapan namin. "Tell me you're in love with me and not with him. Sabihin mong ako pa rin, please. Please say it's still me."
At dun ko na tuluyang nakita ang reaksyon ni Ysrael. Umiiyak ito at dahil ito sa akin.
