Madness (Completed)

I Have To Think About Me

I finally get to my house and hold the door open just to delay my entrance even more. However, I do have to go inside and I do almost slamming the door in annoyance.
"Hey Wade, it's good to see that you're okay and walking around." Jack says happily as he wraps his arms around Wade and they have an embrace right on front of me. I try to walk around them so that I can avoid talking or even being seen by any of them.
"Hey, where do you think you're going kiddo? You haven't even said hi to me today." I hear Bob say as an arm wraps around me and pulls me towards him for a hug.
"Sorry, I'm just a little tired from everything today. Walking takes a pretty heavy toll on me when I do a lot of it." I explain my lie to him, hoping that it will be believable.
"Oh, I'll let you rest then, we don't want you to have any problems later on." Bob says as he let's go of me and allows me to walk back to my room. I nod to him in appreciation and begin to walk away from everyone else.

When I finally get inside, I close and lock the door leaning my face on it in disappointment and sadness. Tears start to pour from my eyes and I wipe them away as fast as possible as I lay on my bed to relax. Streams of tears roll down my cheeks, I grab a pillow from my bed and slam it into my face to muffle my sobs.
"Hey Violet, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry and I had no right to say what I did back there." I hear Marks voice through my sobbing that I try to slow. I sit up on my bed and drop the pillow to see Mark standing in my doorway with the area around his eyes being colored bright red. I guess Mark has cried just as much as I have through all this. I've never really seen Marks weak side, he always tends to keep that to himself.
"Are you okay?" Mark questions, a certain worry in his voice when he speaks this time.
"Not really and you don't look too well either." I comment as I try to wipe another tear off my face and try to force a smile on, but fail.
"I'm just really sorry about what I said, I didn't mean any of it." Mark says as he starts to walk inside the room and towards my bed.
"I don't want to talk about it right now, I just want to think and get some sleep." I say, stopping Mark in his tracks and standing in front of me letting the information set in.
"Okay, I'll let you sleep then. Come get me if you need anything, and I really am sorry." Mark says as he turns and starts towards the door once more.
"Mark." I pause before I continue. He turns once more to face me and gives me a questioning look. "Thank you, for everything you've done for me." I say without any thinking or hesitation.
"I didn't do anything worth thanking, but I appreciate the thought." Mark says as he walks out of the room and closes the door behind him before I can answer him.
"Not worth thanking..." I mumble under my breath, repeating what he had said. I shake my head at the idea of that ever becoming true. I lay my head back down on the bed and close my eyes to relax.
"Now, here's what I don't understand. Why do you always think your life is so hard when you actually have everything going almost perfectly and how you want it to be." Kate speaks inside my head.
"I thought that nagging voice was gone, I guess not." I respond with a small chuckle when I speak to her.
"Oh shush, you missed me." Kate says as she let's out a few laughs.
"Not really." I respond in a slightly cold tone, but Kate knows my feelings about her.
"Anyways, you didn't answer my question. Why do you always think your life is so hard, when it really isn't?" Kate repeats her question to me once more.
"I don't have to explain myself to you. So, can you just leave me alone and let me rest?" I snap at her because that question actually made me mad, I suppose it's because Kate actually knows what I think and how to get inside my head.
"Fine. But just remember, your mind can be your worst nightmare sometimes, yours more than most. See you later Violet." Kaye says in a calmed, almost demanding tone. Could she really be right that my mind has become my worst nightmare? No, Kate just lies to get inside my head, she can't be right. And even though it was my cover to get away from everyone, I really am tired from all that walking and I do need rest. So that's exactly what I'm going to do, rest. I roll over onto my side and lean on my arm on top of my pillow. It seems that it's getting colder, must be close to winter time. That means it's close to my birthday, I never thought that this is how I'd think of that. I remember that this time of year was always the best for me, how my friends and I would have parties in the snow and laugh the night away. We would always go to the ice skating rink after it was closed and skate together in the darkness. Those were the good times as everyone says, but it is more realistic than I knew back then. I have changed a lot since then, I doubt I would believe it if I had told my younger self what would happen to me. Oh well, my thoughts can't interrupt my reality for too long. I let myself come back and I grab a blanket at the edge of my bed and pull it up to myself. I wrap the blanket around me as if I was in a tight embrace and then lay my head back down. It almost feels like someone is hugging me, however, this time I don't have to worry about anything. I don't have to think about choices and my future in this moment. Sometimes I really miss that kind of relationship, one that you can just be happy and hold one another in the cold and for comfort. Now all those times are gone though, because now I have to choose and worry about every relationship I'm in. Somehow, through all my thoughts, I let my eyelids close and I let the slumber that I've needed indulge me.

***

I wake up naturally, like I used to before I had to run to different bases through the day as a way of survival. I rub my eyes sleepily and suddenly hear a loud noise come from outside my room. It sounded as if something fell and cracked on the floor almost right outside my door. Well, that woke me up pretty well. I slowly peal the blanket off of me and get out of my bed, quietly putting my feet on the floor. I creep towards the door and slowly grasp the handle. It's cold like a lot of my room is, I guess it's getting close to winter, my birthday season. I remember having my birthday parties in the snow and I would get so excited just to be there. I used to go ice skating with my friends late at night when almost everyone had left, those were the good times as they say. But those times are over, and I doubt I'll get to do any of those things ever again, especially after everything I've gone through. I snap myself back into reality and take in a deep breath before turning the handle on my door and opening it. I see a flower pot that Jack had got me lying on the floor in pieces and Mark trying to pick them up back onto the small table that lies next to my door.
"Oh, I'm really sorry. It was dark and I'm clumsy and... Sorry." Mark says as his head turns and realizes I stand behind him.
"It's okay, I wasn't too attached to it anyway. It was a housewarming gift from Jack a few days ago, but it isn't really my style." I explain as I go on my knees to help Mark pick up the broken glass.
"I'm still sorry, for this and for what I said." Mark says as he puts another, larger piece of glass on the table.
"And I still don't know what to say." I respond, trying to avoid looking at Mark, at least his eyes. He sighs in response and grabs a shard of glass that I have reached for and was just touching my fingertips. This action causes Mark to accidentally grab my hand and the shard into his hand. My eyes trail up to look at Mark in the face and I end up looking into his chocolate brown eyes that can make any girl melt. He looks back at me sweetly and sighs in a kind way, a way that makes me just enjoy the moment even more. I slowly lean towards Mark and lay my head down on his chest that, before, was only inches away.
"I think I know what to say now." I say in a hushed voice. Mark begins to move his hand so that he hugs me closer to him.
"And what's that?" Mark questions in a peaceful, hushed tone.
"That I am still so mad at you for what you said." I pause and get up so that I face Mark and I take my hand away and put it on my lap. "You had no right to say that to me and you know that. And, even though I love you as much as I do, I don't know if I can marry you. Because, I know that I love you, so much, but I can't be with someone who just says these things and gets so mad about little things." I say as a tear forms in my eye and falls down my cheek.
"Please... Violet... What are you saying?" Mark questions with his voice cracking and tears forming in his eyes.
"I can't be with... you." I say as my voice cracks and more tears start to form in my eyes.
"Please... Don't d-do this." Mark stammers as all the tears start to fall from his eyes and stream down his cheeks in sorrow.
"I'm sorry, but I have to do what's best for me and the baby. And... even though I hate it, you're not that person." I say with many more tears flowing from my eyes and making streams down my cheeks.
"P-please..." Mark whispers to me with his grip on my hand tightening even further.
"I can't and I won't, I need to think about the future and I don't see one with you. I'm sorry, but you're not on the list anymore, Mark." I say as I take my hand away from him and lightly kiss his cheek. I then get myself off the floor and walk back inside my room almost instantly closing the door. When I do so I fall to my knees and lean on the door and let myself sob against it.
"I'm sorry, but I have to do what's best for me." I mumble into the door as if it would comfort me in this moment of sorrow.