Seige Of Pleasures

Forty Three

Negative.

Napabuntong hininga ako sa resulta. Once again, I am not pregnant. Pang ilang PT ko na rin ito pero puro negative.

Napaupo ako sa sahig ng banyo. Nabitawan ko rin ang dalawang pregnancy kit na hawak ko. Ang tiles na sahig ay malamig ang idinudulot sa akin but I couldn't care more. Kahit pala hindi ako nagpills ay hindi rin naman ako mabubuntis!

Napaiyak ako sa kabiguan. Bakit hindi pa ako buntis? We're doing it almost everyday and night! Pero bakit negative? Bakit ayaw?!

Suminghot singhot ako. Shit! Sisipunin pa yata ako!

"Yuri!" Hindi ko namalayan na nakapasok na pala si Trace.

I look up at him. Mas lalo akong napaluha. Concern and worry etched his face. Nakakunot ang noo niya nang pasadahan ng tingin ang kit na nasa sahig.

Pinulot niya iyon at tiningnan pagkatapos ay muli akong tiningnan. Her features soften at the sight of his frustrated girl. I probably look like a damn mess right now. But once again, I couldn't care more.

I want to surprise him with a baby. That's the least I can do to assure him my love. I know I've caused him too much pain. The only reconciliation I could ever think of aside from asking him for marriage is this. Through my 'supposed' pregnancy, I feel like I could compensate all the pain he endured for me.

"I thought you don't want to.." Ingat na ingat siya pagsasalita. Feeling ko ay may gusto pa siyang idugtong pero pinipigilan niya ang sarili.

"I'm sorry!" Hagulgol ko.

Kaagad niya akong dinaluhan. Dinala niya ako sa kaniyang bisig at niyakap ng mahigpit.

"It's alright. It's alright, we're not in a hurry anyway." He says in the most soothing voice.

"Ito lang kasi ang naiisip kong paraan para sa lahat lahat ng ginawa ko sa'yo." I said in between sobs.

"No, no baby. Mahalin mo lang ako, lahat gagawin ko. Wala na akong pakialam sa nakaraan. I want us to start over. Forget the pain and remember I love you." Hinalikan niya ako sa noo.

Nagangat ako ng tingin sa kaniya. I can see passion and sadness in his eyes. Like it's telling me that my agony is also his agony. Na sa lahat ng bagay karamay ko siya.

"Sometimes, I feel like I don't deserve your love." Sabi ko at ngumiti ng mapakla.

Mariin ang naging pag-iling niya. "Do not ever say that." Aniya. "Kapag nakakarinig ako ng ganyang tono, naghihiwalay tayo. Ayoko na."

"I'm sorry.." Iyon na lamang ang nasabi ko.

"Hindi, 'wag kang mag-sorry. I told you, it only proves na sa akin pa rin ang bagsak mo. I don't care about anything now. You know what..." Umiling siya kasabay ng mapait na ngiti. "Ako. Mas madalas kong maisip ang ganoon. Na hindi ako sapat sa'yo. I am just a rich, miserable guy who only knows how play and fuck. And you...you're all that a guy is looking for. Who cares about money?"

"Trace," Hikbi ko. I never expected this from him.

"Noon, oo. I thought I could be anything with money. I can even pay a woman to fill my bed. I feel like I can do everything with money. Pero nung mamatay ang papa ko sa cancer?" Umiling siya at muling suminghot. "Money did nothing for his life. Nothing."

"I'm sorry.." Sambit kong muli. I just feel sorry for how he feels right now. I know it wasn't easy.

"When I met you, I knew the real meaning of happiness. With you, I felt the contentment I never ever felt before. Kahit sa pera ko, hindi ako makuntento. I feel like everything's not enough. All I think of is how to make my money grow. But when I had you, nawalan ng saysay ang lahat." Aniya.