Descendant (divergent fan fiction)

How to live

Today was the same exhausting day as yesterday where I basically watch the initiates suffer.

"I'm sorry." I say when I run into someone. I look up just enough to realize who it was.

"I'm sorry, just went down to get lunch. Thought you'd still be with the initiates." He says scratching the back of his head uneasily.

"Got out early. Their fast with their fears." I say avoiding his eyes.

"I know I promised myself I wouldn't do this but I have to ask you. Are you ever going to talk to me?"

"I don't know." I say rubbing my eyes with my fists.

"I'm sorry I didn't come. I loved it there but it wasn't that j actually liked it there, it was the idea of being there with you. Then when you left the light drained away." Noah tells me.

"Whatever. I just need to think." I say and walk past him but then my head as I walk. "Just give me space."

Amaryllis POV

"Hi." Jackson says and sits beside of me. "You aren't doing much."

"You don't say?" I roll my eyes.

"Did you have a dream last time?" Jackson asks.

"When do you mean last time? I haven't slept barely at all since I got here." I sigh. "That one time and then an hour nap."

"Nightmares both times?" Jackson asks again.

"Yes Jackson! Nightmares both times!" I say frustrated.

"Calm down I was just asking." He says calmly. "Do you want to go somewhere? Get out of the apartment for a while?"

"No Jackson! I don't want to move. I don't want to get up. I don't want to sleep! I don't want to eat! I don't want to anymore. I'm done okay? I'm just done I can't do the dreams or the day dreams. It all sucks and I don't want to have to do this anymore!" I say shaking one of my hands, but I feel weak and it hurts.

"When was the last time you ate?" Jackson asks calmly grabbing both my hands gently.

"I don't know! Leave me alone! Please just leave me alone!" I scream and fight his stone hard grip.

"Amaryllis." Jackson whispers.

"Leave me alone." I say slowly and in a small voice that I couldn't even recognize.

"Shh. It's okay." He says and wraps both of his arms around me so I end up balling into his shoulder. But I hate it. I hate everything about it. I can't control myself and I feel like a fly stuck in this little glass.

"I'm going to fix you something to eat okay?" Jackson asks.

"I'm not hungry." I say trying to force myself to sound more like me.

"Well you are going to have to eat anyway." Jackson says and stands up. "Just wait. I'll be back in a sec."

•••

"Please." He says before anything else when he comes over with a plate of food.

"Sure I guess." I shrug but I'm a mess. It isn't that I want to starve myself or anything but I just don't have the energy to care anymore.

"You know you have to sleep eventually." Jackson tells me.

"I don't want to." I say quietly. "I feel fine." No I don't. "I'll be okay." But I won't.

"What about I sit here beside of you so even if you have a nightmare- which you won't- I'll be right here so when you have any sign or a nightmare I will wake you up, okay?"

•••

It was peaceful after Jackson finally got me to go to sleep. It is almost like I forgot what normal sleep felt like. Like I couldn't even remember how to sleep quietly.

Like I've forgotten how to live

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Authors note.

So I would be in the bed but my fat cat is there and it might be hours before she gets up. Oh whale🐳🐳🐳🐳🐳🐳🐳🐳