Fears To Face

∞ Chapter 27 ∞

~ Rayne ~ 

I missed her.

I missed her presence during the long hours she had to go to school. I missed her wonderful laugh that could always cheer me up and make me feel better. I missed her warm breath in my neck during the night when she was curled up against my body. But I wasn't going to give in. I told her I could be on my own again and I was going to keep to that.

But that didn't mean I felt better, because frankly, I still felt horrible. I didn't show that to her. I wanted her to think I was okay, that I had it under control. That was easier when I was with her, but when I was alone I couldn't keep myself together very well.

The night I slept in her bed had been amazing, although I had felt awful. Well, that's not entirely true. After I confessed how I felt about her I had been floating a foot above the ground, well, bed I should say, with her response. I didn't know what I had expected her to say or do. I hoped she would feel the same and I thought she did, but I wasn't completely sure. In my daydreams where I imagined the scene earlier, a dozen times before, she had been delighted. The reality had beaten the dream. It had been so much better.

It felt amazing to have her tight in my arms during the night. I had watched her as she slept when I was awake in the beginning. When I was still drifting above the ground and not pulled into blackness by my nightmares yet. Oh, I loved to watch her sleep. It was like seeing a different side of her. She was maddeningly adorable when she slept. The way her pink cheek was softly pressed against my chest. The way her eyes were closed in such a calm way, completely content. I had never seen her look so innocent, so sweet. I wanted to kiss her so bad. But I didn't. I didn't want to push her into something like that when she was unconscious and I would probably have woken her up. It had been hard not to nonetheless. It took all my strength to keep myself from pressing my lips on hers. Instead I just gazed at her beautiful face and smiled.

Although my mind was clouded with depression as soon as I fell asleep and I had been restless the rest of the night, without the presence of her calming body close to me it would have been so much worse than that. Even in my sleep she managed to influence me in the positive way.

Now I was in my quiet cold house again. Alone with only the company of the humming sound of the radio. I wished Kayley was almost done with school so I could keep her close to me again, but she was still in her first lesson right now. It took another two and a half hours before her lunch break.

I knew it was my own fault. If I had said yes, I had still slept in her bed last night and I had seen her today already. Instead I had slept in my own lonely bed. It wasn't like I didn't want to sleep in her bed, oh god I loved it, I wanted to share the same bed with her for the rest of my life, but I needed to go home. I had been a wreck when we came back from my mother Tuesday and although Kayley loved to take care of me and I loved that she had, it didn't feel... masculine.

Every time something bad happened or we were in a stressful situation I was the one collapsing and she remained strong, pulling me through. That wasn't the way it was supposed to be. Normally it would have been the other way around, the guy soothes his girl while she lay broken on his chest, crying. I had needed her way too much the first day to be able to take distance, but after that first night my pride started playing with me. I was weak, unstable. I wanted her to think of me as tough and in control, like every other guy was. I wanted her to see me as a man; strong, brave, someone she would feel perfectly save with. And I knew that the scene of Tuesday was the exact opposite of that. She had been the strong one instead of me. So I got myself together and told her I would be alright.

I knew if I had told her I felt stupid for breaking down like that, she would have been incredibly sweet and told me not to worry. That it was alright, normal, but that's why I kept quiet. I needed her to think I could handle this on my own, although I couldn't. I don't know why. I knew she accepted me for who I was, but I couldn't shake that nagging feeling. Just to swallow my pride and appear to be a child. I just couldn't.