Fears To Face

∞ Chapter 45 ∞

~Rayne ~

I didn't sleep after our conversation. I didn't think I had ever left more alive in my whole life than in that moment. She loved me for who I was, both human and wolf. She knew my future and still wanted to be with me, even if it meant I was a wolf. I thought I could explode from blissfulness.

After she ran down the stairs in the morning when I heard her father's breathing pattern change, I heard her crawl under her blankets, yawning and innocently wishing her father a good morning when he walked into the living room.

As soon as her father made himself breakfast she thought that was the perfect excuse and headed for the stairs, but her father called her back and told her to make homework today. He warned he would check on her and if he found her on the bed with me, she would have to make her homework downstairs, because, he said, "Rayne needs rest to recover from what he has been through." I stopped myself just in time before I burst out in disbelieving laughter. That was a full copy of what Mia had told him. Only in a different kind of situation.

So here she was, obediently making her homework at her desk, blowing her hair out of her face as she did. After an hour she dropped her pen and slowly turned so she faced me. She looked tired and sad, while she had been so happy in the early morning, just the two of us, without involvement from her parents.

Before she could say anything I asked her, "Will you get Sam for me?"

She narrowed her eyes for a second and then said, "Yeah, sure."

I straightened on the bed when she was gone. I needed to speak with Sam. I had known I wanted to talk to him Friday already, but I had felt so messed up and exhausted I figured it could wait, but now I was feeling better, so I had no reason to put it off any longer. Next to that, now I had seen what happened during those days as a wolf, it felt even more important to talk to him.

Sam also looked surprized as he walked into Kayley's room. "Hey," I said as I held up my hand for our greeting habit. He clapped my hand, but then retrieved again. The full routine wasn't possible with me sitting on the bed. Kayley smiled although she had seen us doing this many times before. Sam sat down when I motioned him to do so.

"Kayley? Do you – would you want to get something to drink?" I bit my lip. Sending her away wasn't easy. I hated it. Her eyes narrowed, but she nodded once and left. A stab shot through my gut, although I knew she would understand. I turned to Sam. "Listen, Sam. Thank you so much for everything you did. The way you supported Kayley and took care of her when I wasn't there to do so. She was devastated last week and you were the one that pulled her through. You made sure she kept believing."

Sam looked confused. "Did Kayley tell you everything? What happened during the days?"

"No, I remembered."

More confusion spread on his face. "I thought you couldn't."

"True, but last night – " Could I tell him the truth? Yes, but what if Mia overheard? " – something happened, and all of sudden I could." That was nowhere near the explanation he deserved. I sighed as his eyes narrowed. I motioned him to come closer. Very low I whispered, "Kayley came back up during the night and then she repeated a movement she also did with me when I was a wolf. That triggered the whole thing to come back." Sam's eyes were wide. "Please don't tell your parents she was here, they'll send me home." I bit my lip. I was quite sure I could trust Sam, but I wasn't taking any chances.

He smiled. "No problem. But seriously dude, that's amazing. So you remember everything that happened?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I have seen what it did to Kayley and your part in all this. I don't think she would have survived it if you hadn't been there. I know you're really busy these days and you still spent a lot of time with Kayley. I – I don't know how to thank you for everything you did the past week."

I was never really good at reading people, but with Sam that wasn't necessary. His eyes started glowing, or that's what I expected, I could only see one eye of course. "It was all I could do, so of course I did. I mean, she means everything to me and well, you have seen it, she was in misery. Especially in the beginning."

I had seen that. I didn't think I would ever lose those horrible images again. "Still, thank you so much, Sam," I smiled.

"You're welcome," he smiled back. "You know what the thing is, Rayne, since you're in my sister's life she is so much happier. Kayley always had trouble accepting mom's curse. She was so busy with how far the moon cycle was that she pulled herself down, knowing those horrible days and the turn were close again. She was so worked up with it that she got depressed with it. These days she hums under her breath again and she is cheered up and not anxiously peering out her window at night to see how big the moon is."

I kept quiet, simply because I didn't know what to say. I thought I had only made Kayley's life harder. Very often, I thought of our relationship and felt bad. Wondering if maybe it had been better for her if she had never met me. That she was happier without me. Of course I could never let her go anymore now I knew her, I would always love her with my whole heart, but it kept nagging at me. The idea that I had in fact made it better was completely new to me. Strange too, but very welcoming nonetheless.

"I actually felt bad for going to college and leave her alone here with my parents, but now you're here for her and watch over her and that really makes me feel better about finding a school that might not be in this neighbourhood." That were Sam's older brother instincts playing up again. It reminded me of his protective pose from after I had had my first outburst and caused Kayley sleepless nights. I was grateful for the compliment, but I knew it wasn't entirely true.

"Sam, I don't want to make you doubt about college, but she needs you too. You are so important to her. I can't fill in every space you fill in right now, including my own. What the two of you have is rare, and it's beautiful." I saw confusion spread on his face and sighed. "I'm not trying to talk you out of going to college, Sam, really, I think it's incredibly smart that you will. Just don't think Kayley doesn't need you now I'm here. It's not like that."

Kayley probably sensed that I wanted to talk to Sam alone – I wasn't good at hiding things – because she didn't return until a quarter later. It's not that she wasn't allowed to hear what I had to say to Sam, but now I had seen exactly what she had been like when I was a wolf, how broken she was, I couldn't really say those things in front of her. I was afraid it would hurt her even more, somehow. She came in with two glasses and handed them to me and Sam. Then she sat down on her desk chair.

"Where's yours?" I asked.

"I've had mine downstairs," she smiled knowingly.