Fears To Face

∞ Chapter 19 ∞

I decided to stay home Friday. My mother had stayed in the shed the rest of the day yesterday, after our fight. When my father had come home and we’d told him that she was in the shed, he immediately went there and left me and Sam alone in the house, told us to make ourselves dinner, because he would stay with mom the rest of the evening.

I felt sick in my gut for what I had done. I should have never given her the chance to get so mad. What kind of daughter was I? Going right against everything she said when she was in so much pain? After I ate some bread I’d gone up to my room, where I stared to the ceiling all evening, tears in my eyes, grabbing my phone every fifteen times to call or text Rayne, telling him how much I missed him, how much I needed him, whether he was okay, which I knew was a useless question, because I knew he wasn’t. Only to delete my message and throw my phone back on the bed again.

Close to eleven I couldn’t take it any longer and had crawled down the stairs, out of the door, into the garden, the need to apologize so high I could barely swallow. I’d stopped just before I reached the door of the shed, my hand on the door knob, when I heard someone screaming. A high pitched scream, which held agony, despair, hopelessness. That had stopped me from going inside. It had already started. Her bones were breaking.

A stab in my stomach had me cringing and I’d almost dropped to my knees by the force. I’d turned after the pain faded, running back to my room with tears running down my cheeks. I couldn’t hold her fully responsible for the things she had said this afternoon and I’d known that. Feeling literally sick with guilt, I’d decided I would call in sick and take care of her the next day.

So I had. After my father had dragged her limp body to their bedroom I had assured him that he could go to work and I would look after her, giving her anything she needed. He didn’t question me about our fight. He just nodded and left. Sam had looked at me with the most astonished eyes I ever saw him use, but after I explained it to him, he seemed to understand and left for school.

She was asleep the whole morning, so I made some homework during those hours. At twelve I made her a huge lunch and softly tapped on the door before I opened it. Mom slowly opened her eyes as I crossed the room, putting the plate on the little drawer next to her bed. Before she could say a thing I told her, “I made you lunch. And mom? I am so sorry about yesterday.” She closed her eyes again for a second while a small smile appeared on her face. “I’ll leave you alone again, so you can sleep. Call me when you need anything okay?” I said as I slowly turned around, but I stopped when I saw her arm rise, reaching for my hand. I offered it.

She pulled me closer, until I was wavering just above her head. She kissed my forehead and then quietly said, “You don’t have to stay here the whole day. The plate you just put here is all I need for the coming hours.” She let go of me and I straightened, glad I made the choice to stay home for her, more than grateful to see my real mommy again.

“Maybe I’ll go downtown for a little while, then, if you’re sure. Do you need anything I can take with me?” She nodded, then shook her head and smiled. I walked to the door backwards, checking if she called me back, but as soon as I walked through the door and closed it a bit, her eyes closed and she exhaled a deep breath, back to sleep again.

An idea unfolded in my mind after I shut the door. She wouldn’t come out of bed anytime soon, and I was dying to go to Rayne, see how he made it through the night. It was the first time he’d turned since I knew him and for some reason I felt like I couldn’t breathe with ease until I’d seen him. So I quietly grabbed my car keys and coat, heading out of the door and into my car.

I arrived at Rayne’s about fifteen minutes later, due to busy traffic and traffic lights that worked against me. I parked my car next to his, walked to the door and when I was sure no one was looking, I reached for his spare key.