Fears To Face

∞ Chapter 72 ∞

Kayley

Excited for tonight, I drove back home after school quickly Friday afternoon. Tonight would be a good one and Rayne really needed that. He had been off for days ever since Sunday afternoon until I couldn't take it anymore and asked him about it Wednesday after school.

"Rayne, you said you would tell me everything I wanted to know about what happened in those woods. I want to know now," I'd said. We were sitting cross-legged on his bed, opposite from each other.

He'd grimaced. "I don't really want to talk about it."

I'd known he would say that before he even spoke. He'd been evasive when it came to the weekend and I'd been patient until then, but seriously, nothing I did seemed to make him feel any better. "Rayne, I can't take this anymore. I have apologized a thousand times for snarling at you like that in the woods and you've told me every time it isn't about that, but I'm not blind. When I walk beside you, sometimes you look at me like it's a miracle I'm here and I can still see the misery in your eyes when your thoughts drift away for a moment, like you are haunted by a memory every time you look at me. I can't take that your pained by something that I don't even know about, so please just tell me."

He'd remained motionless for a moment, with the exception of the agony growing in his staring eyes again. He'd inhaled deep, but I could hear he was struggling to breathe. I hated that I made him remember whatever it was that made him so miserable, but I had to know. After closing his eyes for a moment, he'd opened them again and looked at me dejectedly. "There was a moment in those woods when I was sure I had lost you. After you were seizing you suddenly stopped and your heartbeat faded away until it was gone and I just lost it." Tears were in his eyes as he'd told me this and I knew my eyes were the same as I stared at him. "You didn't 'just have a hard time fighting,' it nearly killed you. I was losing my mind, screaming that this couldn't be happening, that you couldn't leave me. And if I hadn't been so close to you then... then I wouldn't even have noticed, but you... shivered. It was slight, but it made me pull back at look at you, motionless, soundless. That's when I heard the weakest heartbeat. I was sure you were gone until I felt that."

A silent tear had rolled down across my cheek, my heart pounding and crumbling as I saw the hopelessness of that moment on his face all over agian. I reached out for him and he pulled me on his lap, wrapping his arms tight around me, while I wrapped my legs loosely around his waist and my arms encircled his torso. He rested his head between my neck and shoulder and inhaled deep, trying to steady himself while the guilt of making him remember made it hard to breathe. "God, I'm so sorry, Rayne."

It took a couple of minutes before he pulled back and I could let go of him. "I carried you back here and waited until you would wake up, the only thing keeping me sane was your heartbeat that slowly grew stronger." He inhaled deep and looked at me sadly. "I know you're okay and you survived, but I can't get that scene out of my head. It plays out in my head over and over and I can barely think around it. Every time I look at you I'm reminded of how close I came to losing you. I can't forgive myself for having given up on you while you were still breathing."

Pulling him closer again, I shook my head. "Rayne, you shouldn't feel guilty about that. Of course you were freaking out. Please, don't blame yourself for that. I can't imagine what that moment must have been like." It took a long time before we let go of each other again. Since that conversation, he slowly became more like himself again, like keeping that from me had worn him down.

We had gone to see Ava in the beginning of the week as well, asking her whether it truly was over now and whether any harm had been done. She did some strange kind of scan and said that my brain hadn't been damaged and that the wolf-gene only seemed recessive again. But, she'd warned, we could only wait for the coming turn before we knew it truly had worked. Rayne wasn't very happy with her answer, his jaw had clenched, but he hadn't shown it to Ava and tried to hide it for me. I'd seen the relief in his exhale when Ava told us no harm to my brain was done, though.