Captain America Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Steve Rogers Fan Fic - The Constant

Chapter Ten: Care & Responsibility

Part One

James Barnes - Care & Responsibility

The last few years have been difficult, and the mistreatment at the hands of the nurses and orderlies are affecting James' mind. He is kept constantly and heavily sedated, but with no morphine for pain relief, the nightmares he has fight to keep him from his memories. The sedative also lowers his emotional defences. After all this time, he is finding it more and more difficult to remember things, and so the things he does remember are precious to him. He tries to escape into the past, testing himself on what someone's name was, what he and Steve used do at the weekends, anything he can to get his mind away from here.

The orderlies are forever using their electric batons and he feels his whole body is covered in sores. He cannot move in bed as the straps are pulled so tight; in places they leave solid bruises and in some areas they chafe and break open his skin. It makes his very bones ache. He knows his body will repair itself, but he also knows there is no break from the damage and he doesn't believe he will ever be free of pain.

It has been his constant companion for so long.

There is also the smell. He had forgotten how degrading it was until the new nurse had cleaned him. It does not take long for him to get filthy again; he doesn't understand how the nurses can leave him like this, so dirty, covered in his own filth. It is as if it is some sort of punishment merely for him being alive.

He still cannot face the food they try and feed him, and when he refuses they resort to force-feeding. He cannot believe that the liquid slop is doing him any good - especially with what they add in, taking delight in his horror at it. His refusals give them an excuse to use the batons again for even more punishment.

And so he tries to escape in his mind...but so often now he only finds nightmares.

The only relief he gets is the time 'his' nurse is on duty with the orderly that helps her. He remembers her from the camp. Her hands are soft, her smile genuine, and she cries for him. He knows she does.

Images drift through his mind. Day by day he is losing more of himself, finding it harder to grasp memories, to know who he is. He knows now he gave up hope of rescue a long time ago.

Every day is filled by pain and misery, every day they plunge needles into his veins, into his muscles, filled with God only knows what.

But he can guess.

The same formula that Zola had used before to try and make him into their super soldier. Just like Steve. That thought makes him sick. He can feel the changes in his body. But he knows they also want to break his mind, if they do what will he become? What will they do with him?

Each day he prays that when he wakes he will find the one person who he thinks is on his side. The one who after each of her duties tears his soul by saying how sorry she is and he knows she means it. His condition makes her cry. She doesn't know it but he waits for her now, and part of the fact she is there makes him feel some sort of hope. He is always so tired, so close to letting go but they won't let him, he wants to close his eyes and die. She is the only secret he has left and she has no idea how comforting that is, with her he can forgot Bucky and James and Steve. Her hands are gentle and he can close his eyes and listen to her voice, the familiar accent, the words from home and when she cries he feels her tears like drops of rain on a beautiful fall day.

Like everything else though that hope is slowly fading. He sees her less and less, until one day he realises it has been days since she was last with him - days since he felt her touch.

He feels his panic growing. Have they gotten rid of her?

Has she gone?

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