Captain America Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Steve Rogers Fan Fic - The Constant

Chapter Fourteen: The Nurse & James Barnes - The Shower

The Nurse & James Barnes - The Shower

The new program is working quicker and better than you had thought it would; the patient is getting stronger each day. The only downside of it is the doctors now insist on sedating him so much more.

Lehmann administers a sedative twice a day. He does not trust you with it.

But, there was a problem; Zola's serum actively worked against the sedative and so it becomes a vicious circle. They would increase the dosage of the sedative and the serum compensated. The combination of the two fighting in his body threw James into a delirium. Sometimes it seemed as if he didn't even know who he was, where he was, who you are.

Lehmann and his team work on the problem, and unfortunately find an answer.

A new sedative, vicious and you believe mind altering. It causes nightmares and cramps. It is so strong there are times when James is barely aware of anything. He becomes so quiet and introverted that sometimes he doesn't speak for days. Doctor Jakobs explains to you that the new sedative is working because the serum does not read it as a threat.

You understand their reluctance to allow him any freedom but you rail against it and keep up pressure for them to let him have more of a life.

The answer is always no. You know Lehmann is behind it.

You have tried to explain to James that things are better - but he is still being tortured - only they call it science.

When you speak to him he doesn't look at you. You don't know what is going through his mind. Sometimes you can't get him to answer even when you say his name. When the pain is at its worst he only internalisers it; you can see it in the tenseness of his body, the way his hand clenches so tightly - half circles of red angry welts on his palm. You have taken to keeping his nails so short they can do no harm. Often now he will curl up on himself in bed, always away from you, always pulling the covers over his body as if to hide. And you know that he cries at night. There are times you have heard him whisper a name - "Steve."

You are losing him. He is losing himself.

The only time Lehmann allows the patient to have a break from the sedative is when even he can see how much the patient is exhausted from the testing, how he can barely get back to his room without your help. At these times it is plain to see there is no danger of him trying to escape, no danger from him at all. On these nights without the sedative, his sleep seems better - not so frantic, no awakening in the middle of a nightmare. No trembling so badly that when you hold him his teeth chatter. What is it that he sees in these nightmares? You see how he tries to stay as far away from Lehmann as he can. There are days when he is taken for testing and Lehmann is part of the team and James almost whimpers and turns as if trying to leave the room.

She cannot see his dreams. Lehmann has become a nightmare figure for James. Always looming with the saw to take his arm away, over and over again - and then to start on the rest of him. "Little bit by little bit..." Lehmann lowers the blade to what remains of his left arm and he feels the blade cut into him. James wakes screaming, or worse, unable to scream.

The doctors are pleased with the latest batch of serum they are using; they have found the correct amount of radiation to trigger it, and now it is moving into not just his blood stream but attaching itself to his muscular system, to his bones, moving into the marrow and remaining there. It is flooding in everywhere. He is getting taller, more muscular, and you know he sees it to. You sometimes catching himself looking at his body. The changes scare him.

Then there is the additional testing. It makes you sick.

They are testing his pain limitations with the serum, but they have taken everything up a notch. Sometimes you believe they must hear his screams throughout the base. The tests they conduct use everything from electricity to acids. They do not always let you tend to his wounds when using something new; they want to see how quickly the serum repairs it. You weep sometimes, and Stefan is always there to help you. Even Jakobs has occasionally sought you out. You have noticed he tends to hang back on this part of the testing and is not part of what comes to be known as The Pain Team.