Captain America Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Steve Rogers Fan Fic - The Constant

Chapter One Hundred & Five: What if? & The End Journey

Bucky - What if?

&

The Winter Soldier - The End Journey

Bucky - What if?

It had taken Bucky so long to get his life back.

When he had first returned home, to the complex, he was frightened. Scared of his own shadow, petrified – not ashamed to admit it now. And in his mind he kept asking What If? What if I can't protect Steve? What if I can't protect Freya? What if Hydra come after me and I fail to protect those I love? What if they turn me again? What if I fall apart?

What if?

What if...?

He came to hate those two words.

He knew that he would never forgive himself for what he has done. Because how could he? How do you ever get over something like that? I murdered those people. The guilt is always there. I'm alive. I'm free yet they are not. I took their lives, I took their futures from them. He tries to bury it deep. Tries to clamp down on the moments of panic that threaten to engulf him.

Yet as time moved on he began to realise there were days he did not think about looking over his shoulder, or thinking about what if - but even that panicked him because it meant he was losing his grip, losing himself. I can't relax, I can't afford to. People depend on me. I have to protect them. I'm dangerous to be around. Freya and Steve watched him as he struggled, watched him pretend he is not struggling and they try their best to help but they know it has to come from him. They know he will never forgive himself but maybe they can help him to live with it, live with the memories that haunt him.

He found it difficult to respond to acts of kindness and friendship. Sam would pretend to try and annoy him, to get a sense of humour flowing. Nat would ask him to show her some of the Soldier's moves and they would end up training together. And then Tony...well, Tony made him an Avenger.

I don't deserve this. I'm dangerous. You cannot trust me. What if? His mind would not be quiet.

But everyone welcomed him into the group. Bucky smiled and laughed at their jokes. Then afterwards, he locked himself in the bathroom and threw up. I can't do this, you can't do this, his mind kept saying those same words again and again. What if you fail?

Then he realised, no. His mind wasn't saying if, it was saying when. When you fail. When you allow the bad guys to win, when you let them take everything away from you. I don't have the Soldier with me any more. I don't want to hurt people, I don't want...It would have broken his Captain's and his Constant's hearts to hear him.

Then he began to notice Freya growing paler. She wasn't well, he could see it in her eyes, see it in the way she was trying to protect him. When he and Steve were by themselves they discussed what to do. What if? The words began again. What if she's dying? What if its my fault? What if its because of what I did to her?

On the outside Bucky Barnes looked as though he was coping. He did everything he should. He went jogging with Steve and Sam. He trained with Natasha so she could get her own back (her words). He and Steve began to do up the farmhouse and all the time he was dying inside. He was petrified.

What If?

Then relief at the revelation that Freya was not sick. But even then his mind would not allow him to rest. Instead that night, whilst he lay between her and Steve he awoke, hot, panic making his heart thump inside his chest. His first thought. What if I can't protect my sons? What if Hydra come after them? What if I've passed degenerate genes onto my son? What if?