Captain America Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Steve Rogers Fan Fic - The Constant

Chapter Thirty-Five: The Constant & Winter Soldier - What Have You Done To Me?

The Constant & Winter Soldier - What Have You Done To Me?

You need to get these files over to Lehmann's office by midday and it has taken you all morning to sort them out. When did you turn into such a paper-pusher? What is worse is that you have to see his assistant, Jocelyn, and you don't like her. The feeling is mutual. She is young, attractive, and men seem to fall over themselves paying attention to her; she knows they do. You were surprised that she was Lehmann's choice of secretary, but maybe she is good at her job.

Of course...that's what it must be.

As you turn the corridor you look up. Her desk is up ahead at the T junction, just outside of Lehmann's office, and the Winter Soldier is there.

He is standing close to Jocelyn. Something about them stops you in your tracks.

You are looking at them side on. She has her hand on his right arm and is walking her fingers up it; you cannot see his expression, but he is leant towards her. You can see by the expression on her face she is enjoying their talk; both of them seem calm, relaxed. A stab of jealousy goes through you that physically hurts. You have never felt such raw envy before and you are shocked at how much the scene makes you feel sick.

He leans further forward and you think he is going to kiss her; so does she, she lifts her head to meet him but instead he leans towards her and whispers something in her ear. You cannot see her reaction. He pulls slightly away and is now looking into her eyes. You badly want to look away but you can't. You hear the girl laugh, and slowly she takes her hand away from him and he turns to go.

She sits back down. Neither of them have seen you, and you back away until you are back around the corner.

You lean against the wall and close your eyes and hug the folders. He is sleeping with her. It is obvious. How did you ever think he wouldn't want other women? How did you ever think you would be enough? You have never had a high opinion of your looks, even though it has never occurred to you to compare yourself to other women. But when you think of Jocelyn you realise you must look like some...clumsy oaf next to her.

You hear voices from down the corridor and you pull yourself away from the wall and pretend you are going through the files until the guards walk past. You have to take these files to her; there is no other option, and so you follow the guards. They hover next to Jocelyn for a few moments, flirting. Then they carry on and she sees you. Her smile is one of pure calculated malice and now you know why she always acts so superior to you. She is sleeping with your man. Your confidence has taken a knock. No.

It is in tatters.

You look at her beautiful black hair, bobbed and sculptured to her neckline, her brown eyes shaped like a cats', and her small shapely body and you want to weep; no wonder he likes her. She wears her clothes like a model and you feel shabby. The Hydra logo on her sleeve stands out proud.

You do not see yourself as others see you. You do not see yourself as he does.

You hand the folders over trying to keep your voice steady and then you escape back to your quarters, closing the door behind you, shutting everyone out.

You spend the rest of the day working on reports, timetables, anything to stop yourself from thinking. But as you work you cry: you feel so sick, so alone. What if he asks to have the girl as his Constant? What if you have to leave him? To never see him again, never touch him. You are driving yourself mad.

Finally you finish and go to use the bathroom. Whilst washing your hands you look at yourself in the mirror: at five foot ten you are tall for a woman; you do not see your shapely figure; your long legs. You just see her small delicate body superimposed on yours, and you despair.