Masarap Ang Bawal: If Ever

Chapter 38 (Tired)

Chapter 38

Tired

"Nabasa mo ba 'yong message ko sa FB?"

Napakasimpleng tanong ngunit napakahirap sagutin.Her round eyes bore into me.Nakapagtatakang ang ilang segundong iyon ay naging katumbas ng isang araw ang naging haba.

Kapag sumagot ako ng 'oo' ay baka pilitin niya akong pag-usapan ang mensaheng tinutukoy niya.Mas mainam na sigurong magpatay-malisya nalang ako.Bahagya akong lumunok para sagutin ang tanong niya.But as I'm about to open my mouth,my heart broke into pieces looking into her expectant eyes.Instead of denying it,my head nodded on its own.Kumalabog ang aking dibdib matapos nun.May pumipigil sa aking makipag-usap sa kanya tungkol sa message na pinadala niya sa akin sa Facebook.

Para mapigilan ang napipintong pag-uusap namin ay agad akong tumayo at inaya siyang umalis.Ramdam ko ang pagkaestatwa niya sa kinauupuan kaya iniwan  ko na siya sa hilera ng mga benches kung saan kami tumambay.Nagkunwari na lang akong humabol sa mga kaibigan naming nauuna na sa paglalakad.

Nakakaasar ka alam mo ba yun...galit ka pala sa akin eh..eh bakit mo pa rin ako pinapansin...di na kita maintindihan..di ka naman ganyan dati ahhh...pwede mo naman akong kausapin kung may problema ka sa akin ah..pero di mo ginagawa...paano ko malalaman na may ginawa akong mali kung di mo sasabihin sakin...gustong-gusto kitang murahin pero di ko magawa...hindi ko alam kung bakit..pero nasasaktan ako sa kinikilos mo...parang ang layo mo na..alam mo ba kung bakit ako naglasing huh???DAHIL SAYO...dito ko nalang sinasabi lahat ng 'to kasi baka masaktan lang ako ulit sa magiging reaksyon mo pag sinabi ko personally...DI KO ALAM..DI KO MAINTINDIHAN..BASTA NASASAKTAN NA AKO..NAHIHIRAPAN NA AKO..DI KO NA ALAM GAGAWIN KO...KUNG MATALINO AKO BAKIT AKO TANGA???DI NA AKO MAKAPAGCONCENTRATE SA SCHOOL...IIYAK NALANG BA AKO PARATI!!!????SHIIITTT!!!MAHAL PA RIN KITA..NAHIHIRAPAN NA AKO...AYOKO NG GANITO...

SORRY KUNG MAY NAGAWA AKO....

Iyon ang mensaheng bumungad sa akin ng umaga ng araw na iyon.Hindi ko maintindihan ang mararamdaman ko.Hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang isasagot.Kaya mas pinili kong ignorahin.Hanggang sa nagtanong na nga siya.

Still I chose not to answer.

And honestly,I grew tired of it.I'm not into a push and pull relationship.Napapagod na akong umaktong normal ang lahat.Nasasaktan din ako katulad niya.I just want to hear her say that she loves me and she's willing to take the risk.But despite Rhum's confession message,hindi ko maikakailang mas pinapahalagahan niya pa rin ang kasunduan niya sa pagitan nila ng kanyang magulang.

I'm tired of dealing with parents.I've had enough with my own.I don't want to break Rhum's heart kung hindi ko makakasundo ang magulang niya.And I don't want her to choose.

On that night,I also decided to end things.I started going out with some friends.Until I met someone.

I met her through a common friend.She's beautiful and lively.She's more on the skinny type of girl with a typical height.She's got her short wavy hair in blonde.Her eyes are big and black and she's always wearing her red lipstick which made her more alluring.

I'm not saying Rhum isn't beautiful,it's just that,I grew tired of her.Rhum has to keep me guessing and thinking.But Scarlette made everything easier for me.

She's fun to be with.She has her way of showing what she wants and what's not.Kay Scarlette,hindi ko na kailangang manghula at magpigil.Scarlette was fun.No restrictions.No dramas.

Gusto niya ako at vocal siya roon.I don't have to guess.I don't have to think of her actions because everything's obvious.I don't have to contemplate whether to flirt or not.Scarlette's refreshing.She's a breath of fresh air.

I think every moment with her was a healing session from the impermissible love I had for Rhum has inflicted.Nakakapagod na kasi ng panay drama.

Even so,I couldn't deny that I still could remember Rhum.At times I wondered if she's doing fine and if she's moving on.I made sure that everytime I sent out group messages,her number should be included.I would want to let her know that I'm moving on so she could too.

It may sound so sensitive.But hurting her was the only way I could help her.The more she gets to read my messages the more she'll realize what kind of an asshole I am and she'll get mad.

Being mad to the person makes it easier for you to move on from that person.I thought.

I continued seeing Scar until we officially hit it on.I spent the summer vacation with her.I chose her over our shipboard training.I'll let Rhum move on.Mas matagal na hindi niya ako nakikita.Mas okay.She'll forget about me.Though I still kept on including her with my group messages.

It was on the last two weeks before the month of May would end that I found out she's changed her phone number.

Hi.It was the only message I received and being the curious that I am,I replied asking who the person was.

Kapatid! Just by that replied I knew it was her.

Nagsimula kaming maging magkatext ulit.Nagkakamustahan.She's even asking about Scarlette.

Even with the text message,I could sense that the fun Rhum I used to know came back.Kaya kahit alam kong hindi tama ang pakikipagtext ko sa kanya ay ginawa ko lingid sa kaalaman ng girlfriend ko.

Isang Linggo na lang magpapasukan na nang narealize kong mahal ko pa rin siya.Na mas excited pa akong basahin ang text niya kaysa sa text ni Scar.Iyong inuuna ko na siyang replyan kaysa kay Scar.And Scar was nothing but good to me.

To avoid hurting Scar more,I decided to broke up with her.It wasn't easy.But I never wanted to hurt her.Marahil ako nga ang may mali.When I grew tired of Rhum I should have just taken a break and not see someone else.

Scar,without any complain,agreed to break our relationship off.I know that she's hurting but she'll move on.Dahil kung patatagalin ko pa,alam kong mas malubha ang sakit na maidudulot ko sa kanya at mahihirapan siyang magmove on kung ganun.

After breaking up with Scar,I immediately came running back to Rhum.In spite of all the knowledge that we could never be official.I still chose her.

Just like before,everything's bearable.Natitiis kong manatiling kaibigan lang sa kanya kahit mas higit pa sa pagkakaibigan ang gusto ko.Natuto akong makuntento sa simpleng paghawak niya sa kamay ko.Ikinatutuwa ko na iyong mga biglaang yakap niya sa akin.Nakukumpleto na ang araw ko basta masilayan at makatabi siya lang siya.

Ngunit sa simula lang iyon.Dahil katulad ng dati,nagsimula na naman akong mapagod.But unlike before,I've learned my lesson.I just decided to get away without meeting someone else.I'll let myself heal on my own.