badnews { jace norman }

twenty-three

The bell for fifth hour rings.

But instead of it being deafining, its fogged and distant.

Instead of my jeans aginst the warm metal of the chairs, my legs are three feet into grass.

I don't think about what I'm doing, the consequences. I'm just going.

It's silent. The air filled with gnats and mosquitos. And the dampness was overwhelming.

But as I made my way through the trees, crunching on sticks, everything was noisy and fast again, except not the outside. In my mind. Crumbling down towards the pit of emptyness that we call feelings.

They were everywhere and I had a pretty good idea as to why.

I see the back of him before anything, slouched forward, I imagine the humble look on his face as he takes the moment of silence to himself.

"Jace"

He turns, expecting a smile, I was let down as he turns back around.

"Hey" he speaks.

I walk around to him, placing myself inches from the end of the bench, I dread not having put on a coat this morning, the wind, petrifing.

"Whats up?"

He shakes his head.

I hesitate "You okay?"

"Have you ever felt like.... someone important to you is,  using you?" 

I stare at the dirt blankly. I knew the feeling.  "Sure"

"What do you do to forget about it?"

"Its not something you forget about..." I look at him "Thats like being on fire on the inside, your lungs being filled with black smoke and being told to forget about it. You deal with it. Just like the rest of us have to."

He takes it in, being able to see the process on his face.

"I just feel so guilty you know? I get used and feel like my whole world's on fire but, to anyone that looks at me, I use them"

"You get what you give, I guess"

"You know, I thought you'd be the one to give good advice" He smiles

"Well we're all wrong at one point in our lives." I return a smile "Whos using you?"

He shakes his head, dusting it off. "Doesn't matter. Why you out here?"

"I figured... I'd, try things your way for a while" I shrug.

"Well if that's the case, you're gonna have to do a lot more then skipping an hour of school."

"Like what?"

"Well you can start off with not being so perfect."

I bite my lip, "Okay..."

"And stop being so conservative. You used to be so adventurous when you first moved here it scared the shit out of me sometimes."