Love Me (Completed)

Chapter 21 - Keys

I thought I want to cry. I thought I will cry once I got home. I thought I might lock myself in my room and lay in my bed while crying my eyes out.

I didn't. The tears won't come. No matter how much I wanted to cry, hindi ako naiiyak. I can't seem to hate him too after what he'd done because if it's anyone's fault it's mine.

Ngayon ko lang naisip na kahit kailan hindi niya sinabi na gusto niya ako. He never said those three words to me nor I at him.

He didn't try contacting me after that either. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong matuwa dahil ayaw ko siyang kausapin o malungkot dahil wala talaga siyang pakialam kung anong nangyari sa amin.

Dati pag alam niyang hindi ako okay susubukan niya akong icheer up sa lahat ng makayanan niya but who's to cheer me up now?

He's always the one saying sorry when we fight too. Ngayon ko lang narealize na palagi pala siya ang nageeffort na maging okay kami. Though most of it was his fault. Pero sa pagkakataong ito ang sakit tanggapin na hindi niya sinubukan.

Years of friendship just wasted in a flash.

Kahit hindi ko matanggap, kailangan kong tanggapin. This happens all the time. Hindi ko nga lang naisip na pwede rin mangyari sa amin ang ganito.

Gusto kong natawa because I feel so stupid. So stupid because I already miss him. Namimiss ko na siya and it hurts me.

I looked at my hand that is clutching his apartment key. He said to keep it. He said that no matter what happen to us his answer will always be yes. Yes indeed.

I'm returning this key because I have no use of it anymore.

May isang buwan pang natitira bago matapos ang school year pero hindi ko naisip na hindi na ulit ako makakapunta doon. I thought we still have so many time but I was wrong.

I know he will always welcome me there. The problem is on me. I can't go there and not think about the girl on his lap. Not think about the rainy afternoon when he kissed me. I can't even picture myself sitting there without thinking about that anymore.

The next day I decided to return the key to him. Pumasok sa isip ko na iiwan ko nalang ang susi sa labas at magiiwan ako ng note or I can ask Flynne to do it for me pero ayaw ko naman sabihin sa pinsan niya ang dahilan.

I can't even find the courage to talk to his cousin. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin kay Flynne na wala na. It's just been weeks and it's over.

A part of me want to see him too. Gusto kong makita kung okay ba siya.

I pressed the doorbell this time. I can't just barged in like I did every time I went here because it's different now. Who knows baka may maabutan nanaman ako so better be sure.

Never have I associated the word awkward when it comes to us. Kahit kailan hindi 'yun naging problema sa amin dahil kahit galit ako sa kanya, ginagawa niya ang lahat para maging okay kami. He always knew what to do. Sometimes lalong nakakadagdag inis mga sinasabi niya but he knows what to say. Unlike now.

I guess now is really different. Isang araw pa lang ang lumipas pero ang dami nang nagbago. I feel strange standing here.

And we just stared at each other while he is inside and I'm outside.

I looked away first and he stepped aside to let me in but I shook my head.

"I just came to return this." I extend my hand with the key.

Tinignan niya ang susi at ang mukha ko. "You know you can keep it."

"Yes but I don't want to." I said.

Pain flashed across his face and I sighed. "Besides gragraduate na ako. Hindi ko na kailangan niyan. I won't be coming here anymore."

We both know what the last sentence mean. This might even be the last that I see this place.

Tumango siya at kinuha ang susi sa kamay ko. I closed my eyes and smiled.

"My books. Can I still keep it here? Kukunin ko pag may time ako."

"As long as you want."

Inisip ko pa kung may dapat pa ba akong sabihin. I want to say thank you. I almost said it but I guess thank you is not in motion in our situation right now.

What would I thank him? Thank you sa memories? Thank you at napasaya niya ako kahit sandali lang? It just don't fit.

Inayos ko ang strap ng bag ko. "I should go."

"I can drive you home."

"Kaya ko naman umuwi magisa." Umiling ako.

Because from this day onwards magisa nalang ako. I lost him the moment I saw him with that girl and he lost me the moment he let me leave without saying anything.

Aalis na ako pero nagsalita siya.

"Can we still be friends?"

"I need more time. For now, no but someday."

"When is that?" He asked.

"I don't know." My voice broke.

I inhaled deeply and exhaled. "Gusto pa rin kita maging kaibigan. What happened, happened pero hindi magbabago tingin ko sayo."

"Think of it as taking a break. We all need a break from dealing with people from time to time. And we," I paused. "We're just having a break from our friendship. That's all."

It hurts me to even say those words to him but that's the truth. I need a break from him. He already became my constant and losing him now feels like losing a part of me and I need time to get it back.

Hinayaan ko siyang lumapit sa akin. His hand cupped my face and his thumb is caressing my cheekbone. I fight the urge to lean into his hand.

"Bye, Viktoria."

My nails are already digging my palm but I raised my head and whispered, "Bye, Sebastian."