Dear Crush! | A Dear Evan Hansen Fanfiction |

Despair

Evan gripped his head, feeling tears pour out of his eyes. He huddled against his bed, feeling the wooden bedframe press against his back. He buried his face in his knees, as his heart ached.

It hurt.

It hurt a lot.

He wanted it to stop so bad.

All he could hear was one bad thought after another. All he could hear was the loud thumping of his heart against his chest. All he could hear was how horrible he was.

He was a nervous wreck, an anxious mess. Why would anyone even try to hang out with him? Why would anyone want to date him? Why? Out of pity? To make him feel better about himself? Is he just burdening all of his friends with his own stupid life?

He clawed at his face, not knowing how his arms should be reacting, not knowing how his body should be reacting. All he did was try to cover up his face, as his tears fell. The tears covered his hands, as he tried his best not to sob loudly. He realised that his mom could burst in if she heard him crying, so he kept himself quiet.

He heard a sound.

The sound of something small and metallic being lifted off of a table. It immediately shot him out of his internal monologue. He glanced to the door, his heart pounding louder and louder. His mom wasn't standing at the door, much to his relief. He glanced around the room, still silently sobbing. Suddenly, the realisation hit him.

He's just by himself.

He was just sitting alone on his bed, quietly sobbing to himself because depression got to him today. He realised that his hands were covering his mouth, as if to block the sound of his sobbing for him.

He took this chance of being distracted from his horrible thoughts to breathe. To calm himself before the thoughts got any worse. He moved his hands away from his mouth, wiping them on his onesie slowly.

After he had the time to calm himself, he realised that he felt so empty. No emotions in his heart whatsoever. All he felt was that he felt empty, which struck one emotion whiring within him, fear. He shook the feeling of emptiness away, gently pushing himself off the bed.

He moved towards the full body mirror beside his bed, staring at it with a blank stare. He noticed how he looked. His hair was disheveled and he looked extremely tired.

That made sense. He did not get any good sleep for the past few days. He would wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, processing the nightmare he had.

His eyes were red, with streaks of tears on both his cheeks. His wrinkly onesie hang loosely off his body. He sighed, his breath hitching in the middle of it as he wiped the tears from his eyes. He dreaded this, as he had to take a moment to clear the red from his eyes, and put on a fake smile so his mother doesn't worry.

He makes his way quietly to the bathroom, now looking at his disheveled self through the bathroom mirror. He once again sighed, rinsing his toothbrush under the tap, and then applying toothpaste and brushing his teeth. The whole time, he was distracted, staring into his own eyes.

For some reason, he felt so…

…empty.

It was as if he did not even have the motivation to cry, to lie, or to live. The thought scare him back to attention, as he drank a cup of water and then spat out the toothpaste in his mouth.

He then splashed water onto his face, wiping the water off with his towel as he stared back at his own reflection, noticing that the redness in his eye had started to fade a bit. He clicked his teeth when he noticed the redness in his eyes had not been completely gone, and went back to his bedroom irritated.