Dangerous Mind

Me

I am me.

A simple statement.  I am who I am.  I am myself.  But what does that really mean?  What does it mean to be me?  What am I, really?

I am someone who I can almost be proud to be.

I am someone who no one understands.  Who I don't even understand.  I hurt myself, why?  Because I wanted to.  Because I felt like I should.  Because the feeling of pain was beautiful to me, even while I knew that was wrong.

I am someone who sometimes feels like peoples opinions can go and jump off a cliff for all I care.  And sometimes I feel like it's the other way around.

I am someone who abhors normalcy.  I despise the thought of being like everyone else.  The idea of being one of those girls who wears revealing clothes and 50 layers of makeup sickens me.

Because that's not me.  I am me, I am myself, and I want to stay that way forever.  I want to think the way I do now forever.  I want to keep my mindset, because the way I think defines who I am.  If that changes, what will be left of me?  Who will I be then?  Who will be the person who answers to my name and sees my face when they look in the mirror?  Because it won't be me.

So it should be simple, right?  Just don't change.  If you like who you are now, why become someone else?

I wish it were that easy.

I could gradually start thinking differently, bit by bit, until I'm exactly what I don't want to be, until I'm barely anything I recognize.  And I'll hate myself when that happens.  I know I will.  It won't change anything, but I'll hate myself.  Because I wasn't strong enough to stay me when I should have, when I could have.

I'm honestly terrified of it happening.  Of waking up one morning to realize that I'm not who I was anymore, I'm not who I'm supposed to be.  And once that happens, I don't think I'll be able to fix it.

It's so easy to drift away from yourself, and much, much harder to find your way back.

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Comment a word guys, I'll write about it.

~❤