Dangerous Mind

Selfish

I've always thought if I die, it won't matter because I won't care anymore after I'm dead.  I won't care about anything.  Other people would care, yeah, but they'd get over it eventually.  Eventually, everyone is forgotten, and everyone forgets.  I'm just a number on a chart.  A population count.  If I die, I'll still just be a number, just in a different place, on a different chart.  Suicide rates.  Either way, I'm not important.  The world can function without me.  If I disappear, the world will keep right on turning.  The world doesn't care about people's feelings.  Days turn to nights turn to days, seasons return and return.  The sun shines, the wind blows, the rain pours.  The world goes on, regardless of the feelings or wishes of the people beneath its sky.  One death - so what?  People die all the time.  People get over it.  People forget.  Why should I be any different?  I'm not.  The only thing keeping me here is the realization that my death will hurt the people around me more than myself.  I'd love to ignore that.  I'd love to just disappear, and never care about anything ever again.  But as selfish as I'd like to be, I can't.  I'm not that kind of person.  It's strange to want to be selfish, to want to be something so despised by people.  But I can't help feeling that if I were just a little bit more selfish, if I cared about the people around me just a little less, it would be so much easier to go.  I wouldn't care.  The only thing holding me back right now is I can't stand the thought of hurting everyone else while I just disappear.  I wish I could.

I wish I could be just a little bit more selfish.

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