Dangerous Mind

Find Me Soon

     Hey.  Haven't talked to you in a while.  Yeah, I know I haven't been spending very much time with you lately, not nearly enough.  Did you know they gave me meds so we could spend more time together?  Nice of them to consider our feelings, I guess.
     Why am I still awake?  Because the meds do other things, too, so I don't want to take them.  They change parts of me - at least, they're supposed to.  They're supposed to make me think differently, less dangerously.  Well, they haven't done much about that yet.  Although I pretend they do, because if I tell the truth, they'll give me more.  Why is that bad?  Because they'll change parts of me, maybe things I want to keep.  Okay, maybe the way I think isn't the best as far as mental health goes, but it's me - that's who I am.  If that changes, who will I be?  Although I guess it won't be "I".  Rephrased; if that changes, what will be left of me in the mind that runs my body?  I don't know that I want to find out.
     So anyway, I'm not going to take my meds tonight.  On most nights I do, but I usually take them early enough that these kinds of things aren't playing in my brain yet.  Too late tonight.  I'm really sorry about that.  I know I could spend more time with you if I took them.
     I will see you eventually, just not for a long while yet.  I do miss you, and I constantly want to be with you.  It's an unfortunate coincidence that I always want you the most when I can't have you, and when I can, I can't seem to be with you nearly as well.  I really hate that.
     I'd say goodnight, but my night won't be anywhere close to good until I'm with you.  I have to wonder if you feel the same.
     I guess that's another downside of not taking my meds.  I'll be lying here in the dark for hours waiting for you to find me, and all the while aware of the fact that the darkness isn't just around me, it's in my head, too.  It sort of dances around in there, has quite a time.  My end of it isn't nearly so enjoyable.
     You know that already, though.  You know a lot of things.  I wish I knew less than I do.
     I miss you so, so much.  It's practically a physical sensation.  I want to be with you.  I want you to find me here, lying in the dark, shivering from the merciless thoughts that continue to haunt me, to hurt me, no matter how I beg them to leave me be.  I want you to wrap me in your warm, comforting embrace, and chase away the horrible thoughts, and replace them with beautiful dreams.  I hope you'll be here soon.  I never know how long I'll last on my own, without you.  Please find me soon.

     I'll be waiting in the dark.

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In case you didn't get the idea, I can't fall asleep.

Again.

Yippee.

Comment a word guys, I'll write about it.

~❤