Dangerous Mind

School

I don't hate school.
Really, I don't.
I actually love learning.
I enjoy knowing things.
I don't struggle academically.
I get good grades.
I'm a fairly good student.
So no, I don't hate school.
But the thing is,
School doesn't just mean learning.
School isn't only about knowledge.
Intelligence.
Grades.
It's also very much about people.
And that's what I don't like.
I'm not bullied,
I have great friends,
And my teachers are amazing.
Which is great, of course.
Just looking at me,
No one would guess that anything is wrong.
That's exactly what I'm going for.
The thing is,
I'm tired.
I'm so tired of it all.
I'm so tired of smiling all the time.
I'm so tired of lying to everybody.
Telling my friends,
"I'm fine, I just didn't sleep well last night"
Telling my teachers,
"Don't worry, nothing's wrong"
Pretending I don't see a therapist every week.
Saying this is my favorite sweater,
And that's why you never see me in short sleeves.
Pretending I didn't run away after that performance
And hyperventilate in a hallway.
I'm so tired of keeping my act up.
It's not even good enough.
My friends still ask if I'm okay.
I can't smile all the time.
I'm scared they're all going to leave me.
I always feel like I'm just not quite good enough,
Not quite funny enough,
Not quite relatable enough,
Not quite enough like them,
Not quite enough for them.
I feel like they'd be better off with their other friends,
The ones they fit better with.
I've been practically sitting by myself at lunch,
With only one other girl there who really doesn't like me much anyway.
She'll probably leave soon, too.
I'm tired of acting like I don't care.
I'm tired of pretending I don't notice my reflection every time
And think,
Maybe if I didn't eat so much...
Maybe If I skip lunch...
Maybe if I pretend I'm sick, and don't eat anything at all...
I'm tired of pretending.
I'm tired of lying.
So no, I don't hate school.
I really don't.
I just hate lying to the people in it.
I'm so tired.