Random Fandom Rants

14.5 RR How Things Were Named 20-11

Not any fandom thing/rant. Sorry. Just weird things my brain came up with.
This is early, 9:30 instead of 10:30, because in an hour, I'll probably be doing the dishes. Yay. 😐

*Warning* It gets a bit graphic towards the end. Blood and bones and decapitation, so if that makes you sick, just stop at the "Dunlope wheels were invented" bit. I don't even know why I started writing it so bloody. It just came out. Must be all the 2Ps I've been thinking about lately. Sorry.
Anyway-Hopefully, enjoy.

  Sir Lami made leather shoes from cow skins, and cat skins as well. The cow leather shoes were for adults and the cat leather shoes were for children as they had smaller feet. He had left over meat from the skins and decided one day to mince it. To keep it together, he tied it in the cows' intestines and smoked them.
  His wife was a tennis fan, and she used the leftover cat gut to make tennis rackets. Then one day, after a particularly exhausting tennis match, his wife found the long tubes of mince and decided to see if it would sell. It turns out 'salami' was a really big seller.

  Next door to Lami was a neighbour who raised lions. When the lions died, he sold the bad cuts of meat to Sir Lami to mix with his cow and cat mince sausages, but sold the good meat under a different company, named for both himself and the lions.
  However, the label company misspelled the name, so the packages had the company name 'Sir Loin'.

  As is the case with friends, sometimes you get really annoyed at them. Well, there lived a farmer's boy down the road, Mich Elin.
  Mich was annoyed by his friend Dun, and, as with most arguements between guy friends, it was about a girl. Dun had started to see Mich's sister Ellie outside of their friendship group. Mich and Dun fought over her-Mich didn't want his sister to be around his friend, and Dun just wanted to get to know her better.
  But Mich got so annoyed, in fact, that he grasped an axe that he had been using to chop wood, and loped off his friend's head. It fell away and rolled under a open box that then started to move itself down a hill. Thus, DunLope wheels were invented.

  Now, Dun's family got the copyright for Dunlope wheels, despite Mich being the one who invented the wheel. After all, Mich had gotten the blood on his hands to prove it, heard the crack of bone. But no, Dun's family thought that it was all Mich's fault that Dun's head had violently left his body and became a wheel, so he couldn't get any credit for it. But that didn't stop them from using the idea, and the name. And soon, DunLope wheels were widespread across the country, with their black tar balls and smooth transition between pavement and gravel roads.

  But not long after that, a new sort of wheel was on the market. Mich Elin had gotten permission from the king to use prisoners as material for his products. After all, they were just going to get executed anyway. Might as well get some use out of them. And he would only use the best heads for his wheels-got to have quality control. Well, at least at first. With the abundance of murderers, rapists and thieves in the prisons, he had enough to last a good 5 years.
  The Michelin brand was found to be the best type of wheel. He got the prisoner's beheaded heads, covered their necks in tar to stop the bumps in the wheel, smoothing out the mis-alinments in the faces, then covered it all in a smooth layer of tar over the top. They were easy to sell, because everyone saw that Michelin wheels were made with better ingredients than Dunlope tires.
  After a few years, everyone wanted Michelin wheels, whether it be for their wheelbarrow, horse and cart or royal carriage. The king himself had three carriages all with Michelin wheels.

  Mich was so happy with his success, he became a little less... sane.
  As with all cases, sooner or later, you'll run out of materials, especially going at the rate Mich was. And in his thirst for more materials for more wheels, he went beyond what was considered 'morally correct'. There weren't any more prisoners, so what did Mich do?
  I think you've all heard of Jack the Ripper...